Friday, September 12, 2008

I started my laundry, sorted some recyclabels, bagged up the trash, and did some spot cleaning downstairs...and something inside me just sort of snapped into place.

I've been kind of down the last few days, what with the losing my favorite job to a bunch of lying corporate asses... and on top of all that I found out I was lied to about something by Michael, my ex, and up until then, lover. Only I think I know what's bothering me so much about it, and it's probably a good thing for all involved that this all happened...

See. Michael and I started dating back in November, and that lasted until March. 4 months. He was in many ways, a fantastic boyfriend; in many of the most important ways... but something just wasn't clicking. I wasn't in love with him. I knew this because I've been in love before and while what we had was nice, and I would have continued it, I had the strong impression that he was falling in love with me, which turned out to be true; he was planning on telling me, but then I broke up with him.

But I broke up with him, not because he was mean to me, or did anything wrong - but because I thought I might end up hurting him more later on if I wasn't honest with him about my feeling in the then-here-and-now. He accepted this, though it hurt for awhile and we continued our friendship...and our sex life, feeling that as long as we were honest with how things were going, we'd be ok. Only we weren't. Honest I mean.

It went well for the next 4 or 5 months. I ended up dating (or something like dating) a boy named Jordan, who is very cool, and very sweet and all that, but his work schedule is so insane that I've only ever seen him a handful of times, which makes dating him problematic. Michael and I continued hanging out, and having sex. Michael began hanging out with this guy Christopher Reynolds, whom I met briefly at a New Year's Eve party that I attended while dating Michael. I asked Michael many times if he was attracted to Chris, as Chris seemed to be in love with him, but Michael always said he wasn't attracted to him at all. I just wanted to know because if Michael was interested in Chris I wanted to back off, so as not to feel...jilted. lol. For lack of a better word.

Things got more complicated when Chris confided in me that he was in love with Michael, and it became apparent that he didn't know that Michael and I were still sleeping together. I told Michael that if we were to continue sleeping together that he had to tell Chris the truth, because covering for Michael was (and felt) very dishonest, and was now putting me in a difficult position. Michael told Chris. Chris accepted this. He later told me that he was attracted to me too, which he assumed that Michael had told me, only he never had. Chris expressed interest in a 3some, that would have been fine with me actually, if Chris didn't seem to be in love with Michael, which just made me feel like it would have to hurt him on some level, as Michael had told me that he wasn't attracted to Chris at all and I figured that was bound to come out in a 3 way setting. It was just...uncomfortable for awhile.

Oh. About this time, it came to light that Chris, who apparently has some money, was spending a lot of cash on Michael. I knew this somewhat, but didn't really catch on to it until one of them asked me (I can't remember which one was which in this part) if I'd used an assumed screen name or e-mail address to tell (it must have been Michael that asked me) Chris that Michel was using him for his money. This struck me as rather insulting (both to me, and to them), but oddly funny, so I mostly just let it slide. I did start noticing though that Chris was spending a lot of money on Michael, which worried me, as I knew that Chris had very deep feelings for Michael, and I'd been told by Michael that Chris wasn't an option for him - in fact he often told me stories about Chris hitting on him in private and making sexual references - and shooting those options down. I think the stories were told to impress me, or to make me feel safer or something, but they always made me feel sad for Chris.

Anyways. Michael moved in with Chris; they got a place together. Chris chatted with me again, telling me that he was unpacking all of Michael's stuff, as he wasn't doing it, which struck me as odd. Then Michael told me he got a new computer, which shortly thereafter, Chris told me he bought it for Michael (that was this week actually). I told Chris that I liked him, and that it worried me that he spent so much money on Michael, when Michael had made it more than obvious to him that he wasn't interested. Chris then told me that Michael had never said any such thing, and that Michael had said that they could go on some dates!?! This was after hearing Michael deny there was anything between them; the last time he said this was after they had gone away together, to a hotel, for the weekend. lol. I mean, I should have known...but I didn't, and that hurt.

We were all supposed to hang out that night, and I cancelled the plans and had an angry conversation with Michael, in which he backpeddled and tried to make everything ok, and acted as though he were the injured party. ["I'm sorry; did my back hurt your knife?" - Friends] And it sucked even more, on a very shallow side, because Michael and I had planned to hook up that night. Physically. lol. And to lose that right before I was going to have it was very disappointing.

But there's a bright side. And a kind of synergy here that I hadn't considered. And now that I see it, it actually amuses me a great deal. I like symbolism and synergy, though I seldom if ever see that kind of thing in real life.

Ok. So in the back of my mind for the last few months I've been considering getting back together with Michael. I mean, it never really felt like we'd stopped seeing each other anyways. And he had proven that he was bigger than a lot of other guys would or could be, and I was starting to think that maybe I was insane to let him go, and the only 2 reasons I hadn't said anything, was that I wanted Chris to have some time to get over the fact that nothing was going to happen, and I wanted to be really sure, so that when I spoke to Michael again, I could tell him I love him. Because I do love Michael, and I don't see that ever changing and that's a beautiful thing. He made me feel safe and loved and he was awesome. lol

I'm laughing right now. I don't know why I'm laughing. But it all just seems so perfect.

Anyways... So either Michael was lying to me about his feelings for Chris (which would be the best thing in my opinion), or he was lying to Chris (which would suck beyond the telling of it). If he was lying to me, because he felt uncomfortable telling me these things, I can understand and forgive that, because I've had to tell these kinds of things to partners and it's never easy...and Michael is young and not as experienced as I am. If he was lying to me, then you know, part of me was lying too, because I wasn't telling him all that I was feeling, and there is a balance in that. And my ego (I do have one) kind of likes the idea of him lying to me to keep sleeping with me, because even though the lie is painful, it's also very flattering. But if he was lying to Chris this whole time, it gets a lot messier. Because why would he lie to Chris, unless he's trying to spare his feelings (which Michael doesn't usually do), or does it really have something to do with the money that Chris spends on him on a constant basis? I choose to think that if he is lying to Chris, then it's not about the money, so much as the feel of someone loving him, and caring enough to spend that kind of money on him - you know? It's not the money itself, it's the reason the money is being spent. Anything else is just too ugly to contemplate, and knowing Michael as I like to think that I do, my mind rejects such base notions.

Now...the sad beauty of this, is that this all settles something that was going on in my mind before all this erupted. Michael really isn't the boy for me. And this revelation came right before I was going to claim that he might be (just like Michael was going to tell me he loved me, and then I ruined that by breaking up with him); it's very balanced. But it's not just that. I mean, I know that I can forgive him for whatever it is that he's done, because he's demontrated more than once, that he deserves to be forgiven; nothing that he's done can outweigh all the wonderfullness he's given me. Michael is a very good friend. I have another very close friend, who lies to me every so often, and I love him more than anyone else in the world. So...why not Michael? People lie. They just do. I do.

This of course means that I need to stop sleeping with Michael, which is gonna suck, because we're very good in that capactiy. Seriously. Very good. lol.

This also means that I can start really looking for a boyfriend. Or if not look for one, that I'm ok with having one, as I was about to propose such a thing to Michael. Which also feels right (and like a weight has been lifted). Like the time has come and all that. I might not actually find anyone...but I'm ready if it happens.

And this makes the Chris/Michael thing a lot less complicated from where I'm sitting, because now if they hook up and live happily ever after, more power to them. And whatever truths or lies they spill to one another won't have me in the middle of them, which has got to be better for everyone involved. Of course, until this week I never really considered them as a couple, but now that I have all the facts, or something resembling facts, I think they'd be great together, as long as they truly dig each other.

And hopefully we'll be able to salvage a friendship out of all this. That's what I want. But that's not completely up to me, so I'll just put the word out about where I'm at, and what I'm feeling, and time will have to sort the rest out. But this feels kind of great. Sort of terrible (change always feels terrible to me), but great. Great in that it seems to flow...like it solves a lot of problems. At least that's how it feels.

"I'm sorry; was I raving?" - Exorcist III

About the job thing. I'm almost glad that it happened. Don't get me wrong. I loved working at Hollwood Video, and I worked with the best crew, and with some of the best customers... But I don't NEED a job to survive at the moment. And I kind of feel like I need time to decide where I'm going next. I mean, jobs are great, but I tend to buy into whatever job I have and forget to look at the big picture of my life, and I'm afraid of doing that. I mean, I've got the boy thing sorted (to a degree), but the rest of my life is kind of blurry. There is so much I'd like to get done - just little things like spots on my website, and my collage and things... And there's big stuff too. I've never been to college. And I want to go. I've always been afraid to go; afraid that I'd fail. And I'm very directionless; I have no idea what I want to study or why...and that's always felt kind of like a character flaw to me, but maybe it's just the way I am, and I have to dive into the school thing to find out what I want? I don't know. That's one of the big questions I need to figure out... There's so much rattling inside my head, and I need to sort some of that out, and maybe this time isn't such a bad thing after all, in the bigger picture sense. I just have to use it, instead of letting it use me.

And another thing. I've been taking my eating for granted. After 7 years of hell, I've already started taking eating for granted. And while that almost seems like a good thing, I don't want to do that. Every meal that stays inside me should be a reason to celebrate! lol. I know that there are many other people that aren't that lucky. I'm actually a very, very lucky guy. And I need to acknowledge that, and thank everyone who has stuck by me, and given me every chance to get to this place.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:44 PM
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