Sunday, November 9, 2008

Ok. Something unfortunate just happened. Back at the very start of November I searched for my ex-bf Michael's myspace page to find out when his birthday was. I'd looked for it the week before but couldn't find it, but I was in a hurry that day. I was pretty sure his birthday was either the 7th or the 9th, but I couldn't remember which one. I knew that it was shortly before we had met last year. I have a terrible time remembering peoples' birthdays, which is one of the things that I love about myspace - it reminds me of the birthdays of my friends. Only thing was, Michael's profile was nowhere to be found in my friends list. I knew now that I hadn't just randomly missed it; it was gone. I thought maybe he had deleted his account, only I did a search for it, and found it, only it was now set on private and I wasn't allowed in. Great. That hurt. Then I tried his Facebook page; same result. I was no longer a friend. And this realization came just after we had exchanged a friendly 'Happy Halloween' text. It just seemed extreme, as I didn't even know we weren't friends anymore.

I'm shaking.

Anyways, I'd seen in his other online journal something about a Halloween Party, which I wasn't invited too, but I decided to not knock him for it. I mean, I had a great Halloween on my own, and I most likely wouldn't have gone to his party anyways. I sent him this message on November first:

Nov 1, 2008 8:22 PM
Subject: Are We Not Friends Anymore?

I had looked for you on myspace last week and didn't find you, but I just assumed I had overlooked you somehow. But it says here we're not friends. And facebooks says the same thing. I know I didn't delete you. I know I said I needed a break, but I didn't expect to be excommunicated. lol

I hope your Halloween party was a hit! I had a surprisingly good time myself. Thanks again for the civil Halloween Message Exchange. It made me smile. I wasn't sure you'd respond.

jason

I was really proud of myself for not making a big deal about the Halloween party. I didn't mention that I hadn't been invited. I didn't berate him, or attack him. I thought I had handled this all with a good amount of class. And I thought that maybe taking the high road would get me through this unexpected drama with Michael before it got out of hand. I was trying so hard to remain positive.

Now, on myspace, when you send a message you can see if the person that you sent it to read the message or not. Later I checked and Michael had read the message, but had chosen not to respond. Again, I thought this was rude and this hurt my feelings, but I chose not to bitch about it. I mentioned it in my blog, but didn't go on about it. And that was that.

On Tuesday Michael was on yahoo messenger, which was odd in and of itself. I used to see him on yahoo and AIM all the time, but I hadn't seen him on either in months, and I started thinking that maybe he had silently changed his screen names when he'd dropped me as a friend. This made me smile, to see him on. We talked about the election as we watched highlights on tv and CNN. It was nice.

This morning, still not having a reply to my myspace message, and still feeling confused about where we stood, I sent him another message. I was excited to show him a project that he had a hand in inspiring; I thought he'd be amused. But I didn't want to pretend that the other message hadn't been sent (and read). This is the message that I sent this morning:

Nov 9, 2008 5:52 AM

So you never responded to my message, though you read it, so I'm assuming you don't want to be friends with me anymore; at least on myspace and facebook, as you did talk to me about the election on Tuesday - which would imply that you don't hate me or anything. That's completely your choice and that's fine I guess. It would have been nice for a heads-up though.

So far so good right? I mean I wasn't bitching, or cruel. The last sentence is a bit edgy, but there were circumstances. I mean the guy dropped me from his friend lists with no warning, and then didn't respond when I asked what was going on. So I thought I was still taking the high road.

In the next section of the myspace message, I told him about the project he'd helped create and the rave reviews the project has gotten. There is absolutly nothing negative in this section, but I can't include it as to do so would break a confidence with a friend, which I won't do. But it was all polite and cheerful.

I closed the message with:

I hope you are well.

None of this strikes me as a problem. I didn't really expect a reply after the last message, but I sort of wished I'd get one. I guess I should have been more careful about that wish. A few hours later I got this response:

Nov 9, 2008 11:35 AM

nice of you to send me this negative message on my birthday... thanks.

-mike-

Ok. Now, first of all, I didn't think the message was negative at all; in fact I hoped it would be seen as a positive message. I've been trying to keep this situation, hurtful as it's been, as drama free as possible. 2ndly, I didn't know it was his birthday, because he dropped me from his friends list! And when I broached him about the subject, hoping that it was a mistake that would be corrected I was ignored.

I responded thusly:

Nov 9, 2008 11:52 AM

I didn't realize that any of this was negative. It was your decision to not be friends on here and I haven't badgered you about it. And I did know your birthday was in early November, but one of the reasons I had looked for your myspace page was so it would remind me of your birthday, only to find (frustratingly) that I was no longer listed as a friend.

Happy Birthday. Seriously.

I didn't mean to upset you.

Bald Jason

Hopefully this will clear up the problem. I had not intended for there to be any trouble between us, and I've gone out of my way to show that I still want to be friends without confessing how much his behavior has hurt me. I really did want everything to be ok. I really thought I was doing good here.

I'm so exhausted. And my head just keeps throbbing. I just hope he knows how much I still care about him, and that I didn't intend to upset him. According to myspace he has read this final message, though he hasn't responded. Hopefully he will accept the message in the spirit it was given. And I honestly hope he has a fantastic birthday!

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:32 PM
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