Friday, December 5, 2008

My monitor is working for the moment.

I want to talk about something new. I know anyone reading this is probably wondering what there is that I haven't talked about on this website, but there are a few things that I don't talk about here.

I have an eating disorder. Most of my friends and family know this, but I'm still so ashamed of it, and the humiliation it brings. My docters that I've had over the years have never known. I find it almost impossible to discuss with authority figures. And when I have struggled to eat new things, terrible things have happened. Some of this, I fear, is psychologial. I mean that my body has real problems, but it's possible they are manifestations of my fears. It's complicated, and I'm not used to trying to describe this in a forum like this. I feel very vulnerable...and I'm tired of feeling that way.

My stomach was really upset tonight.

And while I was sitting in the bathtub (because taking a hot bath seems to help me relax), I started to ponder my body. And my eating disorder and the other things that I don't talk about to my doctors, or that I've avoided in the past, and I realized that they're probably all connected. And I got angry. And I realized something that I think a lot of people understand that I'm just now grasping. Peoples' bodies are wonderful. Every part. My body is wonderful. Every part. Inside and out. It's not something that needs to be hidden, or kept secret. And if something or someone has done damage to my body, then it's not my job to perpetuate that secrecy. I know this must sound so basic...and silly. But it feels like a revelation. I actually called Mark in to talk to him about it.

There's this other part of me, that I've mentioned here before. I feel...like I'm a little crazy. Not enough to be called crazy, but enough to be troublesome. I change. Things that are incredibly clear one day are out of focus the next, and I'm scared that I might lose this insight. I want to hold on to this. Please help me remember this.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:15 AM
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