Friday, December 19, 2008

I'm listening to a mahshup and the songs that make it up on repeat; drinking wine; I'm on my 4th glass. The songs are "Enjoy the Ride" by Morcheeba, and "Maybe Tomorrow" by Stereophonics. I'm still chatting with Trevor and online-Mark.

Ok. Here's another one of my warnings. This entry is going to be sexually grapic and pretty serious. So people put off by such things should run away now. Ok?

Those of you still sticking around, might understand why I'm now drinking the wine. I sort of need it. Self medicating and all that shit.

I was chatting with Trevor about a friend of his...about how he pulls away when he's going to cum; how he almost always has to finish himself off; and he likes to be choked during sex. This struck a nerve with me, because I find it hard to cum with my partners; I usually finish myself off, and while I don't like being choked...I like to be humiliated. I like being called names and treated a certain way, and if my partners aren't doing those things then I pretend that they are. I asked if this friend of his had been abused and he confirmed that he had. And then everything made sense for me too. I was abused by my father. And I enjoyed it. And I felt guilty about this. And this made me shut off my pleasure centers. Like if someone is close to making me cum, I will physically stop them. I always have. There have been maybe 5 out of the 70 some people I've been with who have made me cum, and there were certain circumstances each time. The thing is now that I know this, I still don't think I can change this stuff. I mean...I really get off on this stuff, and if I gave that stuff up I'm not sure what I would do. But still...It seem so obvious, but it was quite a revelation to me. And now I'm drinking...because that's a lot take in.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:52 PM
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