Monday, September 12, 2005

I worked last night, which was mostly good. I rented Apartment Zero, Cleopatra's 2nd Husband, and Breathless. Breathless left me limp and afraid, as it featured full frontal Richard Gere. I shut it off as quickly as I could, but I'm afraid that the vision will be stuck in my brain until I'm cold in the ground. I'm not a big animal lover, but...those poor gerbils.

Is cutting on yourself like, insanely popular? I'm just wondering, because just about everyone I've ever known has done it at one point or another. I can usually tell if they are; I don't know what it is exactly, except that maybe...oh, I don't want to talk about that shit. Suffice it to say that I generally see these things coming, but it never stops the helpless feeling when faced with the reality. The last time this happened before last night, was with Shawn. I guess I should be grateful that it hasn't happened since then, or if it has, then I've been blissfully unaware. It must, at least sometimes, be really great to not notice when people are suffering.

I have this friend, who's like a sister to me, only she's better than a sister because my sisters (despite their love for me) view me through their Christian eyes, and while they tolerate me, I don't think they'll ever quite love me the way that I love them. My friends aren't like that, which is why they are my friends. This friend (it's Mollie - she posted it in her blog so I don't know why I'm playing this "friend" game) has brought joy to my life, since the day that I met her. She's had a very hard life; too hard. It never really seems to let up on her, which I don't understand. Frankly, I think it's a wonder that this hasn't happened before, or if it has, that it hasn't been 'worse'. She's amazing. Her working environment is atrocious. Her options are limited. Her mother is dying. Her apartment is a huge improvment over her previous living arrangments, but she can hardly pay her bills. She's had serious medical problems of seemingly random & cruel severity. She's got the most beautiful smile, and laughter, and humor and...she's just the best person that I know, and yet she's single which I just don't understand - so that, while she's not alone, I think she might be lonely.

But she goes to work, and she kicks ass, and she hangs out with friends whenever she can, and she makes us laugh when we want to cry... And she holds us when the laughter doesn't last. And she's not a god; she's very human. She's not perfect. But nobody is, and she knows that. She doesn't judge people. When I meet someone new, be it a friend, boyfriend or lover - and they want to know me better - I introduce them to Mollie. Having Mollie as my friend reflects well on me. lol People love her, and those that dislike her tend to not be big on laughter (or in some extremely annoying cases - bathing). Mollie has a wicked tongue for comebacks, but she seldom if ever resorts to using it against those who truly deserve it - she'll just tell me about it after that fact and make me laugh for days. She's a good person. She doesn't deserve to be unhappy. She doesn't deserve a razor or a bottle of pills as a little pick me up. She deserves to be loved and cared for and she is. By me. By Mark. By just about everyone I've ever talked to about her (because I talk about her all the time).

When Mark and & were talking about moving to San Francisco (which may yet happen in the not too distant future) the one thing I couldn't leave behind was Mollie. Darla, Kellie, Carrie, & Shawn are all still alive, but the people I first knew & loved and trusted who cut themselves are not. I know I shouldn't react so emotionally when my suspicions are confirmed, but I always do, and the helplessness is there in spades. Funerals are planned & attended behind my eyes every time this comes to light. I cried last night for a good hour before falling asleep.

When I woke up, it was still dark outside, and I ate, and watched Apartment Zero which was really good. My first thought was that Mollie might like it. And then I felt...a lot, all mixed up. I showered with Mark and talked with him about the movie. I'll have to get it; probably next week.

But now I'm going to finish drinking my Sierra Mist; maybe watch another movie. I think movies are going to be big for me this week.

Mollie: I'm glad that you're finally talking about stuff, it was just a little shocking to be right again, when I wanted so badly to be wrong.

I love you.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:00 AM
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