Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I just woke up from hours of dreaming the most amazing, silly, fun dreams...so pardon if there a tons of errors in this post. lol There were so many different stories told in those wondrous dreams. I remember buying my father a new suit, and hanging out with Janice and the kids. Taking pictures with my camera phone at a supermarket on this endless road down which dragons were traveling. Kara Thrace's untold history of capturing Robot Kong in a Destroy All Monsters type deal; she was a amazing - and then her and some other in a coed bath - which was graphic but not sexual at all. The murder of a child (we found the foot) then went back in time to see what happened. A journey through fields in Milan that I've longed to explore, and a magical adventure in the backyard of what was once my Great-Grandfather's house. I think I slept for about 10 hours or...actually more. I think I went to bed around 3 or 4, and I woke up around 2am - that's amazing to me - I feel so rested though. I find myself longing to see 'Princess Mononoke' & 'Spirited Away'- both of which I don't own. I do have that one with the voice of Christian Bale, who's name escapes me at the moment - oh, "Howl's Castle".

There was however a time when I woke up, with the worst stomach cramps, which I've not had in at least a few weeks. The pain was so horrible... I worked it all out though - and that was a 45 minute ordeal. Earlier, before sleeping my stomach was also not doing well. I waw throwing up again, which hasn't been happening much at all anymore. There have been maybe 3 times in the last 2 months I'd wager. So while things have improved a great deal, the last 24 hours have felt like the old days when I was sick all the time. It was not a fun walk down memory lane.

Ok. Now let's fill in the blanks of what's happened since my last entry, which was written in the early morning hours of Sunday, April 5. I can't really remember much about Sunday. There were texts with Michael, and he told me he'd call me after he got out of work around 1am on Monday morning. I slept.

Mark started working third shift that night, and I told him I'd drive him so I could go to Little Caesars on my way home (he needed to be at work at 10pm, LC closes at 11pm on Sunday) - but Mark suggested we stop on the way there so he could get some too. It was raining and the news on all fronts was that it would turn into snow. When we stopped at LC there was no fresh bread so while we waited, we talked and chilled - it was nice. And we watched as the rain became sleet, which became snow. I couldn't eat the bread in the car as it was so hot. We went to Mark's work and ate the bread there. I met some of Mark's coworkers, and then left durring a blizzard.

I had originally planned to stop at Meijer / Kroger for groceries, but the weather was so bad that I put that off, figuring I cold go in the morning with Mark. Instead I drove through the falling snow listening to a recently mixed cd, thinking about Michael and all that's been going on with us. I got through 5 songs on my way home:

01 The Blower's Daughter
- Damien Rice

"I can't take my mind off of you..."

02 There. There. (The Boney King of Nowhere)
- Radiohead

"Just because you feel it, doesn't mean it's there."

03 This Twilight Garden
- The Cure

04 The Rake's Song
- The Decemberists

&

05 Don't Take Your Love For Me
- VAST

That last song I've loved since it was first released but now is tied into imagery from Smallville, as it was used in the 8th Season episode "Bride" to remarkable effect.

I quickly realized on my trek home that the snow didn't bother me. I'd heard people bitching about this coming storm for days and I expected to be bothered by it too, but instead I found it quite beautiful. Perhaps since I've stayed so isolated and avoided the weather on purpose, this storm felt new. A lovely side effect.

More texts with Michael. Another conversation with him, while he closed down his store, which is in Allen Park. His coworker and friend (Patches - who's daughter made Michael a friendship bracelet that hangs from his rearview mirror) said hello, and later locked her keys in her car. Michael and I talked for hours, with him eventually making it home to a drunk Melissa...and his comfy bed. We talked about how sad it was that he wouldn't be able to make it to my AVP LAN party, which was set to begin between 7 & 8. The plan for Michael was to come over after work at around 2 or 3 am. Michael told me again that he loves me. I told him that I believe he cares for me, and that he's had a lot of terrible partners and I just seem really cool by comparison...and that I have some intense feelings for him too, but it's way too early to know if they're love. I've been infatuated; I've had very intense crushes which were gone within a month or two - and they felt just like this, so having had those experiences I understand why it's best to take your time in these matters. Michael eventually had to go to sleep and I let him go.

I found it very difficult to sleep. I stayed up not doing much of anything. I slept for about 20 minutes. I picked Mark up in the morning. It had stopped snowing but there were massive amounts of the stuff. Again, I thought it was pretty, rather than annoying. We brought home a monitor for the AVP party, and we stopped at Kroger where I got some groceries. Mark went to sleep almost as soon as we got home, and again I found it impossible to sleep. I tried. I lay down in the dark, but I just couldn't quite get to sleep. This can often be the symptom of a larger problem...meaning that things are going to get worse for me soon, as I get very cranky when I don't sleep, and this causes more troubles which can then multiply. I figured this wasn't that big of a deal though, as I could party with my friends later and sleep between them leaving and Michael's arrival; I thought I might even leave the front door unlocked for him and he could just come upstairs and join me. When I was in bed trying to sleep, I noticed I had a text from Michael saying something about a surprise and that I should call him; I didn't want to call him right then as I was afraid that would wake me up even more and I'd never get to sleep - I decided I'd call him during the game, or possibly before my guests arrived if I had the time.

I did get to sleep around 4pm. I set my phone alarm for 6pm. I woke up at 7pm to the sound of the vacume cleaner. I felt recharged, if confused. I checked my phone and it said I'd missed my alarm. Apparently it doesn't play if you have the volume turned down which I think is a stupid feature, as I need it turned down so that texts and phone calls won't wake me up! I jumped in the shower. I got out, quickly cleaned my room up. Mark had cleaned the livingroom, which I was planning to do had the alarm thing not fucked up; it made me smile that he was doing this, when he didn't have to. Mark came upstairs just as I was finishing with my room and was just about to get dressed - then Bryan arrived. I peeked around the door, told him I was naked then bounded up the stairs to put on a shirt and some underwear.

I came back downstairs and got a big hug from Bryan. He returned BSG 4.0 + he gave me a book about LGBT history he'd found, and also let me borrow his copy of Repo. Nice. Then DJ & Jamie arrived with food and we all chatted about stuff. Then, just as we were setting up the game there was another knock on the door. It was Michael. This was unexpected, and kind of threw all my plans into disarray, as Michael couldn't actually join the game (Mark's room was unprepared for a 5th player, as we didn't know we were going to have one), and even though I was feeling recharged, I was definitely looking forward to going back to bed as soon as my friends were gone. It was an extremely awkward moment, that continued to be awkward for at least 20 minutes after his arrival, and actually colored the events of the entire night. His unannounced arrival felt wrong, and no matter how much I was looking forward to seeing him later, his sudden arrival stressed me out more than I would have expected - possibly because of my sleep deprived state. I was also extremely hungry, and I find it hard to eat at home in front of many people, even close friends, let alone people I've known less than a week - which meant that not only was I about to not spend the time with my other friends the way I had planned; I was also not going to get to sleep or eat the way I had planned either. I tried to express this to Michael, but he (unsurprisingly) didn't get it. I'm odd. And that anyone understands me at all is amazing to me. I did know, as soon as he'd arrived that this was the surprise that he'd texted about, but the idea that he would follow through on this surprise without actually getting in touch with me, when we hardly know each other, seemed like a gross oversight. When I was able to express this to him later, he told me that I could have just sent him home, which I wouldn't have felt comfortable doing to anyone who'd just driven through the wintery storms to join me - no matter how inconveniant it was for me - I just would hate myself for such an action. Anyways...the damage was done.

Mark left for work during our game time. Michael played AVP a bit in my room, and I played too. I think everyone had fun. I was snacking nervously, and I felt like I couldn't really enjoy anything that was happening around me. Like my senses were completely overwhelmed. I felt like I was have an odd sort of dream, where everyone else was normal, but I felt there was something terribly wrong. It was fun at some moments and disturbing at others. It was like a bad drug trip, I suppose. I guess the important thing is that it seemed that everyone else was having fun. Michael was bothered by his error in judgment and my reaction, which I felt bad about, but I think I managed to get him to have some fun with the game and stuff...but I found the entire ordeal exhausting rather than the party experience that I usually have. It all felt spoiled. It was just...terrible. I know Michael will probably read this and feel bad, but this is the first I've been able to express the sensations I was feeling. And after waking a few hours ago from my 10 hours of sleep feeling completely rested, my first thought was how happy I was that all that madness was behind me.

Michael and I talked. We chilled. Things started feeling better. It wasn't as nightmarish now. We had some really great sex. I think sexually we fit together very well, and we like each other, which is good. It's all good, actually, except it feels like we've skipped massive steps...or like Michael has, and I just haven't been able to keep up. Take for instance him spending the night. The first night it happened I knew I was going to be awake and wouldn't have to try to sleep with him there - something I have a hard time doing with strangers - and that worked out really well. But on this night, I was exhausted and wanting to sleep (hopefully before he arrived), and feeling uncomfortable trying to sleep with him there, and not understanding why - because my mind was so confused. Here I was with this great guy, who's super hot and sexy and funny and all these other great things, and he tells me he loves me and is sending out all these kinds of signals that in my experience don't happen until certain bridges have been crossed - and so in my mind I feel almost like we have crossed those bridges, but the rest of me still felt I was caught in some kind of odd dream - where nothing felt exactly right. It wasn't horrible, but there was this sinister quality of something being wrong just below the surface that I couldn't quite pin down. There were moments that I loved. There were intervals of surprising normalcy, tenderness, and humor. But the sum total didn't add up. I'm not sure I've ever felt anything like it before. And then my stomach exploded.

My stomach, especially when things were really bad, was very sensitive to upsetting stimuli. This was another sign for me that something was wrong. Because here I was smiling in my scary dream of a waking life, and having fun, even though something felt wrong...and my body started screaming at me to see that something wasn't right. It's possible my body was just fucking with me, but that's not how it feels to me now. It feels like my body was reacting to something I wasn't facing - and my later stomach cramps felt like an extension of that.

What I'm thinking is that Michael is really cool. But that if we're going to coninue seeing each other, that he needs to dial it back. Or we both do, to be more precise. We need to cut back on the time we're spending together, and let things go at a normal pace...or I won't be able to have a truly happy ending with him. Fools rush in, and while much of what we've experienced in our first week was fun, I can't help be feel that it was foolish - not stupid and not insane; just not the best way to go. I think both of our reactions have been completely understandable...but completely unfeasible as well. We can't just skip to the end, no matter how badly we want that happy ending.

I feel good about these conclusions. I feel like the experiences I've had in my life, terrible as some of them have been, are paying off a bit here. I feel I'm looking at this situation with the seasoned eyes of a person who would never have had this kind of insight when he was 20. When I was 20 I went along with another man who wanted to jump to the end (Gene Warrick) and it too was a kind of nightmare. I wouldn't change that, as I learned a lot about myself in those days. But this situation is different, because (and this is key) Michael is sane. lol. He's not crazy. I think he's a remarkable fellow who's had some very difficult times and has come through them better than other people would have. Plus...I'm not the same man I was when I was 20. I know you can't jump to the end. And who would want to? It never works when you try, so why bother?

Michael apparently texted and called while I was asleep. As I was writing this he sent a text saying that he was scared and worried about me and if I wanted to end things with him to just let him know (apparently thinking that I hadn't responded because I didn't want to speak to him) - this, less than 24 hours after I've last seen him. That's the kind of thing that's worrying to me. For one thing, I'm not the kind of guy who ends things with a guy by not calling him. And beyond that, less than 24 hours without a call (after knowing each other for 1 week) should not a crisis make. I have to call him and talk to him about this. I hope it goes well. If we can land on the same page than things can progress...and if for some reason they can't, I'll be grateful for the fun times he gave me - even though we've only known each other a week (we chatted online before that, but only like 3 times) - it was intense and memorable.

Wish me luck.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:04 AM
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