Sunday, April 17, 2005

Warning: this post is long & rambly, but I really needed it, so chill, or move on. lol

So I woke up around 2:30pm, and called Shawn right off, but he didn't answer. I felt weird after Friday night's phone call; it was actualy Saturday morning; I think I called him at about 3:30am or so. Now, Shawn & I dated briefly, and I loved him a great deal, and was hung up on him in the worst way for several years, and when that threatened our friendship I took a year off, and worked on a project to pour all my feelings into, and seperate my feelings for the Shawn I first met, and the man he's become; and astonishingly, it actually worked. I'm not attracted to him anymore; I still think he's an amazing guy, and I want to know him, and revel in his wackyness, but I don't want to date him, or even fuck him. He makes me laugh, and I cherish his friendship...what there is of it. I've seen him in person twice since I realized that things were ok on my end, and while it was nice, it was also under tragic circumstances, that basically required us to be in the same place; it wasn't like we met up on purpose - but it was good, I think. I was a bit freaked out by it, but only because I wasn't freaked out more - if that makes any sense?

So I've called him several dozen times since then; he's fairly phobic of telephone conversations, so we've only spoken a few times, and I think the only time he has called me, was a drunken conversation on New Years. I think of him at least once a week, and wonder how he is. I sometimes dream about him, but even in dreams he's not a lover figure; and in fact his boyfriend is usually along for the ride, which I think is pretty healthy. I've e-mailed him now & again, and I've commented once or twice on his blog; he's very political, and I'm glad he has the blog to express some of this; it's actually pretty cool, if not exactly my shade of expression.

My point is, that when it turned out that he was up to something with Jonathan while we were on the phone, it bothered me. And at first I thought that maybe it was a sign that I still had feelings after all, but that wasn't it; not exactly. I felt...kind of...humiliated. Here I was jabbering on, proably in a fairly annoying manner, but still (lol); I was laughing, and talking to Shawn & my friends, and everything seemed good; I even told Shawn to tell Jonthan hello, which he did. But things...weren't as they seemed...exactly...and when it became clear to me how things were...it was a whole world of un-fun.

"When the world isn't the same as our minds believe, then we are in the nightmare. And nothing is worse than a nightmare, except one you can't wake up from."

- that was a wacky quote from the past. If anyone knows where it's from they get a gold star.

About Jonathan; I met him in September, and I can't tell you what a relief it was to meet this boy. I had only recently learned that Shawn even had a boyfriend, and I had no idea what to expect, and when I did finally meet him, he was adorable, and funny, and he talked to me directly, and I really wanted to get to know him. From this single encounter, I would say that he's amazing. I think I may have freaked him out a bit; I'm not sure - but Shawn said something about me freaking him out when he called me on New Years, and I've been practically aching to let him know that I...like him. I don't even know why that is; I just want him to know that I'm glad Shawn has him, and I'm not after Shawn, and Shawn & I are friends, and I would like to be friends with him too. I don't want him to feel threatened by me, and I'd like it if we could get along. I mean, Shawn likes him, so he kind of has to be cool, right? Sure, there was that Lynn Fluke, but he's over that (THANK JOSS). If Jonathan's reading this, then: "Hey, I'd love to talk with you sometime; in person, with maybe food & stuff." I want to know all about him actually. Does that sound crazy? Because Shawn & I have this wacky bond, where we are both a little over the edge? It's a nice balance I think, where one of us is suddenly stable (for the moment) and the other is allowed to topple. lol It's refreshing, actually.

Wow. I can't believe I'm typing this all out; it feels great. I'm gonna have to send Shawn here, because I obviously needed to vent this stuff, which would have been vented a long while ago, if only we'd been hanging out. hmmm. Still, things have a way of working themselves out.

So about that phone call. I'm jabbering on, and Shawn says hello to J for me, and then his voice gets all weird, and I know something is...out of sync, and he starts breathing funny, and I think - hey - I know that sound...where do I know that sound? Hmmmm. Let me think. Shawn says that I should call him back about 1:30pm on Saturday and that he'll be awake then and that will be a better time. Understand that he does not give all that info in one sentence - it's broken up with the weirdness...and it suddenly hits me when I've heard him talk like that... And I ask him if they are having sex, and he says not exactly - or something to that effect and he's still all breathy - and then I ask if J's going down on him, because the imagery is killing me. lol And my stomach is all twisted up, because I've suddenly become this prisoner...this tortured 3rd party; I've just walked in this...thing, that I never wanted to see. lol And I said goodbye, and tried to laugh with my friends, who maybe sensed that I was pretending, but they eventually did lift my spirits, and true, real laughter followed, ghosted only now & again by the freaky phone sex thing.

Now. Here's what I think. I think that I'm over Shawn. I think we are going to be friends, and that I'm very happy about that. I think Jonathan is a sweety, and I would love to be his friend as well; of course it's possible that he hates my guts; Shawn's friend Maria & I had our problems, but last time I saw her we actually got along quite well.

If Shawn called me up and said, as a friend, that he needed advice about something, sexually in his relationship, I think I could handle that sitch with flying colors; I really do - because we've been there, and we're apart now - but on equal footing or something... And if S&J were being affectionate in front of me (holding hands, kissing, hugging) that would fine; that would even make me smile. And in all honesty, I think Johnny-boy is kind of hot, though when I voiced this to Mark once, he said that I only think he's hot because he looks like Sean Mobley (another Sean I dated). Which I, for the record, don't agree with.

But I don't think I could handle hearing, or seeing Shawn with Jonathan or anybody else sexually - does that make sense? It's just...it's creepy. And I know that he didn't call me, I called him. And I know he answered the phone, because I was calling at 3:30am and he thought maybe it was an emergency, and that's fine. But I'm kind of pissed, actually, that once he knew it wasn't an emergency...he didn't just say, that now wasn't a good time, and that he had to go, and that he'd call me later. I mean - I think he was trying to do that, but NOT VERY WELL. I felt dirty. And having to find out what I did, the way that I did, seems tacky, and insensitive. Seriously. And shortly after the freaky phonecall, and the fakey laughter, I vomited, and I hadn't been drinking. I was really... It was not a pleasent sensation. lol Is that...crazy, or stupid or whatever? Am I screwed-up, or fucked up, or does this make some kind of sense?

I just think it could have been handled better. But perhaps I'm just selfish or a big loser or something, and it shouldn't have effected me at all. But it really did. So that's the whole tale, as I know it.

But I don't want that one slipup to ruin everything. I don't want them to feel weird around me; I don't want to feel weird around them. I want them to be happy, and me to be happy, and for us, to sometimes be happy together. lol And I would definitely love for Jonathan to get to know Mark & Mollie, in the way that Shawn has, because - they are so much fun! lol

I've been friends with just about everyone I've ever dated, and I've been good friends with a lot of the people that they have dated, because those people & I have something in common, and not only that, the people I cared enough to date, they like these people so I usually trust that these people are worth knowing...and that has been a cherished part of my life; this cycle of friendship and experience. And I don't want that to change - and Shawn, who had a profound effect on me - it would suck if he was the one that it didn't work with, you know? That would be tragic, to me.

So I'm laying myself bare here, as it were, to prevent that from happening, and hopefully even to encourage the friendship process...to flourish. lol. That sounds so fucking cheesy. lol

So...for future reference, I like Jonathan, and I love Shawn - in a friend way. I would very much like to get to know Jonathan, and continue to know Shawn, both apart, and as a couple. And if I call in the middle of the night, and you answer because you're worried that it's an emergency (which is really sweet by the way), and it's not an emergency, but me being really...me, & you guys are screwing or whatever, could you please just stop, for a moment, and let me know it's not a good time, that it was nice of me to call, but tomorrow, or the next day would be better, and we can talk then. And then you guys can fuck like minx (or rabbits, or whatever) AFTER you hang up. Please.

Thank You. ;-0)

So...after not getting in touch with Shawn, I noticed Mark was gone; he had kept to his word, and was at a matinee showing of Sin City. I chatted with Bob online, which was awesome. I don't know this boy, but I want to, and that's something that hasn't happened to me, in at least a year. He might be moving home to Grand Haven in 2 weeks, though... Which sucks, but maybe we'll be friends or something. Who knows? Stranger things have definitely happened. I wonder what his full name is? I'll have to ask him.

Mark & I watched Friday night's Enterprise later. "Bound" was ok. The Orion Slave Girls were back in Trekdom, and the Trip/T'Pol story, which I thankfully enjoy, was in full swing. Only 5 more episodes to go.

My AIM is finally working again. Thank you. I work at the store today, 7pm-close. I believe I work with Heidi, Scott & Ben; it should be fun. I want to find some time to spend with Bryan, Chris & Robert (perhaps Di as well) ;-0) Mollie is going to start watching the L Word with me & Mark, since she loved the first season. I'm about half way through my Star Wars book, but I didn't read much of it today, because I'm trying to make it last.

I just put my towels in the dryer. ;-0)

I work on Monday, but I'm planning on going to Necto that night; I'm really enjoying the vibe there lately; the music is good, and despite faint amounts of drama, I've been having a good time. It's a mostly cool crowd of people, and I've been enjoying the dancing more than I have in years. I think it's better than either City Club, Uptown Downtown, or Skybar right now. And it's only a few blocks from where I live.

I have Tuesday - Thursday off. I'm not sure what I'll be doing those days. And I think I've finally run out of things to say this morning. Oh - only I haven't.

So, Mark's twin brother Marcus, & Marcus's wife Julie just had a baby. They named the baby Nick after Mark's grandfather. Mark's mother called to tell the grandfather about this only to learn from her sister (who is apparently an evil bitch) that their father is in a coma, and isn't expected to wake, which means he may never learn that he has a great-grandson, named in his honor. On top of that, the bitch sister wouldn't tell Mark's mom what hospital he's staying in, and Mark had to track him down, and now Mark's mom is going to drive out there, so she can take her dog with her, despite the fact that she'll have a hard time finding a hotel that allows pets, and that her father may die in the 3 days time it takes her to drive out to find him, and also inspite of the fact that she'll have to leave her dog in the car, while she goes into the hospital to see her father, probably killing the dog in the process - I believe her destination is Arizona, but it might also be New Mexico.

Now, Mark's mother, once assaulted me, days before my high school graduation (I had bruises all over me), and that was just before she came at me with a knife. The woman is not sane. If Mark hadn't been there, either she or I would most likely be dead. And while she apologised for the incident (years later) I don't trust her, and I don't lover her per say. That said, I feel terrible that she's having to go through this, and I feel terrible for Mark, and Marcus, and Julie. The whole thing just sucks. I even wish I could see her bitch sister, so I could tell her she's a bitch, but that's just me being confrontational.

Mark & his mother were planning on visiting Marcus & Julie this coming Saturday, which is also Mark & Marcus's 34th birthday. If their Mother really does drive out to see her father (both the twins offered to fly out with her) then Mark would be going out there alone, and so I might be going as well, even though I HATE long car rides; it's 8 hours I think. I would love to see M & J though, and their new baby; I'd even like to see Hannah; their dog, as I'm slowly getting over my lack of love for pets (which sprang from my disturbing farmhouse upbringing). If I ever own a pet, I think it will be a dog. Or a raccoon. ;-0)

Ok. I need to sleep. Or something - I need to get away from the fricking computer at the very least. That's all for now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:42 AM
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   Monday, April 18, 2005

A long, mostly terrible day, and I'm getting ready to go dance myself into oblivion at Factory Night at Necto. Mark just shocked me with the news that he'd like to come with me next Monday night; he never goes anywhere like that anymore; it's actually been YEARS since he's been to Necto or City Club. I actually met him at Necto (then Nectarine) in December 1995. Wacky.

Alright, I so need to dance. And then perhaps sleep will finally catch up with me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:40 PM
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   Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Necto was fun, but not fantastic. There was a really whiny bitch outside, lamenting how goth night used to be cool back in the day - only we were the same age, and I think I remember it a lot better than she does, because Monday nights are, for the most part, outshining the "good old days". Why was she even staying if she was that unhappy? I wished her boytoy goodluck; he kept winking at me, which must have pissed her off, because she went on a tirade against gay guys. I was going to tell her off, but she was so pathetic, I just went back to the dancefloor.

Bob never arrived, which, you know, wasn't a plan or anything, so I wasn't broken by it, lol; but in the back of my head I was hoping he'd show. I danced with Vince a lot, and I talked with Scott & his boyfriend Travis. Becky gave me free drinks, and I saw Sandor, Chris, and a few other people, but for the most part I was rather subdued. I left at about a quarter to 2, and I hit the Aut Bar where I chatted with Matt, Patrick, Robert, Ryan, and Mike (whom I met on gay.com last week); he said he loved my webpage, but he was with Adam, who I think was getting jealous that I was hugging Mike, and they went outside. Matt was going to come hang out with me, so I waited for him, but he came over and said that someone had asked him over...and then left. Matt's had a rough time of it lately, but that's no reason to dump me; we've been talking about hanging out for nearly a year. Whatever.

So I came home, read my e-mail. I have a ton of eyeliner on that I need to go melt off my face...lol And maybe I can get some sleep; who knows? Oh - Mark got the new JLU for me, which won't air in the states for another month, so I'll probably watch that before I sleep. I might try to work the next few days, though Mollie & I might hang out on Thursday. I haven't heard from Shawn, so I doubt we'll be hanging out on Wednesday. blah.

And if Soloman & Janella are reading this, I hope they're enjoying Buffy/Angel, and it was great to see them on Sunday. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:41 AM
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I have a headache, and I feel kind of guilty. I spent some money today on some movies, that maybe I didn't have to spend. Well, that's not actually true; I do have the money, but I often feel guilty when I spend money; I don't know why. Sometimes, it passes very quickly, and other times, it doesn't. Anyways, it's done now. I don't think I really NEED (lol) to buy anything for awhile. The 3rd Batman Animated boxed set comes out a little over a month from now, and Enterprise, Season 1 comes out the 3rd, but I can hold off on that one. I should be getting my 1st Quarter kick back from Amazon next month; maybe that will cover those anyways.

I'm bored.

It looks like I won't be visiting Marcus & Julie this weekend after all. Mark's Grandfather is awake (yay!), and he got to talk to Mark's mom on the phone, and he now knows that he has a great-grandson named after him... which means that M's Mom will be going with him this weekend, while I will be staying home. blah. I was looking forward to going, though I won't be sorry I missed the car ride out there & back. I hate long drives.

And I haven't heard from Shawn, so I guess I probably won't be seeing him tomorrow.

I got a message from my Grandmother, letting me know that my dad is finally able to walk; he jumped off of a parking structure quite a long while ago, and has been in the hospital ever since; I guess I should wash some of his clothes, and get those out to him; maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

Well..I need pain killer.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:27 PM
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   Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Mark & I watched last week's ALIAS, which had a lot of great stuff in it, though the series continues to be plagued by twists that have revealed a terribly large plot hole, that no one but myself seems to have noticed; I thought the writers were trying to fix it this season, but if the most recent episode is to be believed, then it's all for nothing... I hate it when a show with such an intricate plot, unravels.

I watched Bad Education [La Mala educacion] less than a half hour ago, and I thought it was stunning; a masterwork; with so much more depth, and complexity than I had envisioned. I love the feeling you get after seeing a great movie; it's all too rare these days.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:52 AM
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My throat kind of hurts. I fell asleep around 8:30am & slept until 2pm; but I got back to sleep, and slept til 4pm. I had more than one dream, but I believe my older sister, Janice, was in them. I probably could have written them out, if I'd written this just after waking, but oh well.

I'm in the process of rewatching the Justice League from start to finish (not that it's finished), for my character guide; I have 6 Static Shock episodes after that and then the 3rd boxed set of Batman to work through, where the real work begins - sorting out an order & timeline for the first Batman series. It's a fun project.

I wish I had more to write. Mollie wasn't feeling so hot last night, and had doctor's appointment today; I hope she's alright. New Alias on tonight; maybe I'll actually watch it as it airs this week. Mollie & are are supposed to go on a kind of scavenger hunt on Thursday; what kind of hunt it is, I'll refrain from saying ;-0)

Mollie also wants to visit Kevin's grave; & I know that Mark does as well, so we may go next week; perhaps we'll see Jonathan & Shawn as well?

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:20 PM
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   Thursday, April 21, 2005

I'll probably go see my dad later today; he needs some of his clothes, and I've put off seeing him long enough. It's not that I really mind seeing him, it's just...I'm not used to seeing him on a regular basis, and it takes a lot of effort for me to include people into my life. And...it's not like he's my dad. I mean, officially he is my father, but when your father is crazy...well, it's like he's this wacky guy who I'm strangely connected to, and I want him to have a happy life, but... I don't know. The father/son thing is complicated by the fact that he's only half there; actually - most of the time; he's like a quarter there. And the rest of him is quoting random things, mixing it with religion and spinning it around for the world to see. I wonder, if when he jumped it was a moment of clarity? I wonder if in that moment his sanity had visited him, and he saw all the things that he had done, and exactly what his life is like? I would love to see my father sane, and clean, and happy; or not, but at least well rounded, you know? My father is crazy, and he's kind of homeless; he's like a step up from homeless, but you wouldn't know it to see him, and it's like he's the ghost of the father I knew as a child (and even then, he was teetering on the brink). I miss my dad; and this guy is just a stand in, who smiles at me, and sometimes, through all the shit, we have a moment, just a moment of connectedness, and that's why I still see him. But when those moments pass, and he's back in his little world, it's devastating.

I dreamt that Mollie was in the hospital, and I went to visit her, and Kevin Clark was in the next bed, and there was another person staying in the room with them, but it was curtained off... I was sitting in a chair at the foot of their beds, kind of centered, and they (Kevin & Mollie) looked at me sadly, and I asked why they were looking at me like that, and Mollie pointed to the curtain, and when I pulled it back, Shawn was in the third bed, and Jonathan was holding his hand and crying, and I fell backward on the floor, and woke up - sweaty & dazed.

It's really warm in my room; it's cold outside and the neighbors must have their heat on. I'll turn on the A.C. and battle it out with them. I should eat something; take some vitamins; my throat still hurts, and I don't want to get too sick, if that's what's happening. My acid reflux might be to blame though, which I find oddly preferable.

I returned Mark's rental to Hollywood Video around 11:30pm last night; Bryan & Zach were working. I wish I worked with them more often. I would really like to get to know Zach; he seems like a fun guy to know, if a bit...not nervous, but, guarded maybe; I don't think he's hiding anything; it's just his mannerisms - like if he breaks out, something might shatter. It's probably nothing, but it would be nice to hang out with him sometime; maybe with Heidi? hmmm. Oh - I met Heidi's 'D" the other night, and he is so yummy ;-0) He seems cool. I wish I was working more hours right about now, though I have been enjoying my days off.

I rented "Blade III" & "A Series of Unfortunate Events". I watched Blade III, which was...well, it mostly sucked. I thought that Ryan Reynolds was hot, and I liked when he rearranged his clothes to show his vampire glyph; that was nice. lol I'd heard that Parker Posey was horrible in it, but there were a few scenes with her that I actually liked. I thought that Jessica Biel was hotter in Texas Chainsaw Massacre (she actually gave me a woodie in that movie), but her character was fun. I thought most of the cgi stuff looked like cgi stuff, but that just means it really IS a BLADE movie. I don't know if I'll get to the other movie today; might have to re-rent it; they aren't really out yet, but since I work at Hollywood, I can rent them a night at a time.

I want to hang out with Solomon & Janella again. I like that they read my blog, and that they get excited about random stuff, that I get excited about. We're all excited about each other. lol. And we're all so damned adorable. They make me smile, which is something that I cherish; and it's a quality shared by each of my best friends, which is a very good sign. And I want to talk with them more; hanging out with them the one time, I felt like I was trying talk about everything at once, and that I didn't get to say half as much as I really wanted to. lol But it was fun.

The first time I saw Solomon, that I can remember, I thought he was hot. I mean, I still do, but, the xxx rated thoughts that I had when I first saw him, aren't present anymore, because I know him in larger context now, and those images were replaced within the context of our friendship; does that make sense? And the first time I spoke to Solomon I liked his laughter & sense of humor, and his...Leftism. lol And when I met Janella, instead of being disappointed or jealous, I was enraptured by them as a couple; these guys are so perfect for each other that my petty little momentary lust was completely transformed into friendly banter, and the rest is history. I really like them alot, and I hope we will grow to be great friends.

That was something I've wanted to type in here, for awhile, but held back on because I didn't want to offend them, or bother them, or make them feel weird, but I don't feel weird about it, so I doubt they will either; they'll probably be flattered. Even if they aren't, this is my fucking blog. lol Alright. Now that I'm a bit jazzed up, and a bit nervous about the response to this, I'm gonna get some food, pop some vitamins, and wash some more of my wacky father's clothes.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:17 AM
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So, I'm pretty sure I have a cold now; again; damn it. I'm super warm, and I coughed this morning and my throat hurt so bad I almost cried. I knew it was going around; my manager was sick on Friday (which didn't prevent him from grabbing my arm and dragging me over to the game section, to tell me a secret); I probably didn't get it from him; I don't think it would take this long to...take. But if he's ill, I'm sure there are tons of other people with it. I hope this passes quickly.

This means I have to cancel my plans with Mollie; if anyone is sick around Mollie, she usually gets sick too, and she was already not feeling the greatest the other day. This sucks. I probably wouldn't have that much fun driving us around anyways, I guess. I mean, this cough is really painful. Is it ironic that I've gotten this sick, the day before I return to work? And I called in on Monday, because my acid reflux was really bad, and I was working a really short shift, that wasn't worth all the trouble I would have to go through. Grr.

I'm way tired. I'm gonna try to get some more sleep. Maybe Mark can pick up some cough medicine on his way home from work.

I'm not happy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:47 PM
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I went to the downtown Borders last night, and picked up the latest issue of BLUE, a male erotic photography magazine, imported from Australia, that I've been collecting for several years now. When I just went to lay down, I picked it up and read an article I started reading yesterday; it was called "Delightful, De-Lovely, De-Gayed". The article was about Hollywood and how it hasn't seriously dealt with gay sexuality on screen; there are high hopes for "Brokeback Mountain" to correct this, but recent movies such as "Troy" & "A Beautiful Mind", (the former based on the very Queer, Homer's "The Iliad", and the latter based on a biogray of John Nash that made no effort to hide the subject's apparent bisexuality) were both trimmed of their gay content. I already knew about this actually, and I've boycotted both films as a result, and anytime people ask my opinion on them at Hollywood Video, I tell them that I haven't seen them, and why. These incidents, have really touched a nerve with me. It's one thing to not have gay characters in a piece; it's quite another to have them, and then completely deny their existance on the screen. Even the horrific "Alexander", didn't feature any homo-love - not really. He kissed two different boys - but the love of his life, even though it was referenced, was not...demonstrated - though he had a sex scene with a woman. It pisses me off.

Of course this type of editing isn't new. One need only view "The Celluloid Closet"; a fantastic documentary about GLBT roles in film, to know that this has been going on since the beginning of film history. I've owned a book for years, called "Images in the Dark: An Encyclopedia of Gay & Lesbian Film & Video", which was also very enlightening. One flick that I had seen, called "Midnight Express", which I had thought was such a positive movie, actually wasn't. In the film, based on a true story of a man named Billy Hayes who spent years in a Turkish prison for trying to smuggle some pot home to the States. During his incarceration he has one very good friend named Erich, who (in a very well filmed scene) makes a pass at Billy (who has a girlfriend back home). Billy allows himself to be kissed, but turns Erich down; but in such a way that it allows their friendship to continue, and does not judge Erich for his feelings. When I saw the movie, I thought it was so beautiful. But in real life the two men were lovers during their prison stay - which kind of kills the beauty of the scene, you know? The real Billy Hayes felt that it would have been better to not have the rejection of Erich in the film; just have Erich make the pass at Billy in the film, and then go to the next scene; which would allow the audience to draw its' own conclusions, but the director disagreed.

There are a million other stories like this, and they really bother me. It feels so dishonest. It feels so irresponsible. It feels so hurtful, to take a piece of life, or fiction, which features a possible gay role model, and then transform it into film; but only if all truly gay material is removed from the script. These movies aren't just denying us characters; they are rewriting the ones that already exist; a dangerous & insulting sentiment, in my opinion.

I think this is why I've been organizing (and collecting) my movies for a GLBT Inclusive shelf in my room lately. I just feel like, even with all the strides we've made in this arena (there are obviously many, many more Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, & Transgendered characters in film than in any previous time), we haven't really been accepted. I was shopping on Amazon a few weeks ago, and there was a random review from a customer, who was annoyed that the movie she bought ("Shelter Island") featured a lesbian love scene; she went on to say that she had no problem with gay people but that she didn't want to see them loving each other, and that such movies should have a seperate rating so that people would know about the gay content. And in this...Republican led era (not that all Republicans are assholes, but we are, as a country, being led by a Republican Asshole), I just feel the need for a more inclusive selection of films; if only in my own room.

It's not that I want ALL GAY, ALL THE TIME (& I've said this before), but in a time when so many people seem to want to deny my existance, and the existance of others like me, I want the movies I watch to recognize that gay people exist, even if it's not central to the plot; even if there's the smallest little reference - then it can find a home on my dvd shelf. Hundreds already have in the last year. I've been ordering movies like mad; I ordered 15 more the other day, and I bought two from Borders last night; I'm not kidding. I'm crazed. lol

And while I was writing this, Mark stopped in on his lunch; brought me a parcel from the mailbox, and "101 Reykjavik" & "After Stonewall" came to stay on my shelf. Any acknowledgment is good at this point, and that's all I have to say for the moment.

Now I'm sick, and pissed off. Great. lol

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:45 PM
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   Friday, April 22, 2005

Just got done watching "After Stonewall"; what a fantastic historical account. It was just what I needed tonight; one of those affirmations, that I feel like sharing with everyone, except that I have this horrid cold and I don't really feel like going anywhere. lol

Ironically, after watching Blade III last night, and having problems with it, I later read that Wesley Snipes had problems with it too, and is sueing; I hope he wins.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:46 AM
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I finished watching "200 American", about 2 hours ago; I've owned this gay, ultra low budget Pretty Woman story for about a month. It wasn't bad. It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad.

If you haven't noticed, I've been making a concious effort to watch more movies. It's actually like homework for my job, but it's fun. And, what with my new obsession for queer films, I actually have quite a few that I haven't gotten around to watching yet, so I'm working my way through them.

I finished the Episode III prequel book the other day, and I was kind of disappointed. The book was filled will all kinds of continuty porn through most of the book, and then the last few chapters clashed horribly with the last 4 episodes of Clone Wars - which really annoyed me, because I enjoyed Clone Wars, and much of the novel, actually referenced other episodes, and brought them into the story, so to have it all match up, and connect, and make sense, until the big finish, where I was constantly flinching, and twitching over the discongruity between the two takes on the Clone War's penultimate moments. There were similarities, but I almost wish they had been completely different, than sort of the same - ONLY NOT.

I have to work today. I hope it's fun. I hope I get enough sleep, and have a chance to eat, and take some cough medicine before I go, and that I don't have any bitchy customers...and that whomever I'm working with is in a good mood.

We'll see.

I talked to Mollie last night, and the doctor she went to see was a complete asshole. She's gonna be ok, but I wish I could have been there to bitch that guy out. grrr. No body should ever hurt Mollie. lol

Mark's birthday is tomorrow. What to do? I've asked him what he wanted; originally Mollie & I were going to shop for him yesterday, but then we were both ill. Mark gave me the most amazing surprise party last year, & it was so intricately planned - but I can't plan stuff - it always, ALWAYS falls apart... erg.

I'm going to bed.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:42 AM
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   Saturday, April 23, 2005

Yesterday, I finally fell asleep, while shaving. No lie. So not only are my sleep patterns (assuming I have any) completely screwed, but my cold is getting worse (I'm miserable). Work was actually good yesterday; I worked with Bryan, DJ, Bobby, Jeff & Dan. Bryan picked up his son Robert from school, and brought him back to the store; it was good to see him, and he insisted on a hug, even with the cold. Robert is almost 16, and I once took him to my parents' house, while dropping off my little sister after a movie or something, and my step-father thought that Robert was my boyfriend!?! lol He's straight, actually, and he's just very open minded, and he's great guy. I'm grateful to have friends like that in my life (of any age).

Watched Enterprise last night, which was great, but I didn't really enjoy because of my cold. People online are raving about it though, which doesn't make me bitter at all, except that it really does. lol

I wished Mark happy birthday today while he was showering, getting ready to leave with his Mom (who was already being a bitch; big surprise). Mark looked hot today. He should be back tonight.

I rented the 9th Season of Friends, which just came into the store on Friday (well, I rented 3 of 4 discs); and I've laughed during the episodes I've watched so far, but it hurts me. It's like masochistic entertainment. I'm trying to NOT watch anything, but I'm so bored. My stomack is all upset (like it ever isn't); my head is pounding, my body is achey, and the cough medicine will eventually help I think, but I'm so sick of taking cough medicine; it's gross, and it's...GROSS.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:44 AM
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I slept till about noon. The cold still sucks, and no matter how hard I try to get comfortable, it just isn't happening. I'm actually grateful, that I don't have to work much this week, and yet, it doesn't really matter what I'm doing; I'm going to be miserable anyways; at least this way I won't be infecting anyone. I can't taste anything, and that makes everything taste bad - if that makes any sense. The neighbors must be pumping up the heat, because it's sweltering in my room.

Some more queer themed flicks arrived today, along with my Entertainment Weekly, which has Batman on the cover, and also some stuff on Episode III; maybe I'll enjoy reading it later; I tried just now, but the pain in my neck (maybe I have a fever?) was killing it for me.

I got the new JLU, which I enjoyed quite a lot, actually. It was a Wonder Woman/Hawkgirl centric episode, and it actually featured The Flash...and he spoke! It also brought back the Annihilator suit from "Hawk & Dove" & "Task Force X"; Felix Faust & Hades from "Paradise Lost, Parts I & II", Hippolyta, Tala, multiple other Justice Leaguers (including Jason Blood, Dr. Fate, Dr. Light, Gypsy, Booster Gold, Zatanna, Martian Manhunter, blah blah blah), and it finally revealed that WW actually does know about her origins (as hinted in "Maid of Honor") - and it also revealed more about Diana's armor ;-0) Scenes from upcoming episodes that played during the closing credits revealed that The Parasite will be returning (yay!), along with Black Canary, Shazam, The Question, Huntress, Green Arrow, & Metamorpho ;-0) Nice.

Mark should be home around 10pm. I called him; and that's as much actual talking as I want to do today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:15 PM
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