Sunday, April 17, 2005

Warning: this post is long & rambly, but I really needed it, so chill, or move on. lol

So I woke up around 2:30pm, and called Shawn right off, but he didn't answer. I felt weird after Friday night's phone call; it was actualy Saturday morning; I think I called him at about 3:30am or so. Now, Shawn & I dated briefly, and I loved him a great deal, and was hung up on him in the worst way for several years, and when that threatened our friendship I took a year off, and worked on a project to pour all my feelings into, and seperate my feelings for the Shawn I first met, and the man he's become; and astonishingly, it actually worked. I'm not attracted to him anymore; I still think he's an amazing guy, and I want to know him, and revel in his wackyness, but I don't want to date him, or even fuck him. He makes me laugh, and I cherish his friendship...what there is of it. I've seen him in person twice since I realized that things were ok on my end, and while it was nice, it was also under tragic circumstances, that basically required us to be in the same place; it wasn't like we met up on purpose - but it was good, I think. I was a bit freaked out by it, but only because I wasn't freaked out more - if that makes any sense?

So I've called him several dozen times since then; he's fairly phobic of telephone conversations, so we've only spoken a few times, and I think the only time he has called me, was a drunken conversation on New Years. I think of him at least once a week, and wonder how he is. I sometimes dream about him, but even in dreams he's not a lover figure; and in fact his boyfriend is usually along for the ride, which I think is pretty healthy. I've e-mailed him now & again, and I've commented once or twice on his blog; he's very political, and I'm glad he has the blog to express some of this; it's actually pretty cool, if not exactly my shade of expression.

My point is, that when it turned out that he was up to something with Jonathan while we were on the phone, it bothered me. And at first I thought that maybe it was a sign that I still had feelings after all, but that wasn't it; not exactly. I felt...kind of...humiliated. Here I was jabbering on, proably in a fairly annoying manner, but still (lol); I was laughing, and talking to Shawn & my friends, and everything seemed good; I even told Shawn to tell Jonthan hello, which he did. But things...weren't as they seemed...exactly...and when it became clear to me how things were...it was a whole world of un-fun.

"When the world isn't the same as our minds believe, then we are in the nightmare. And nothing is worse than a nightmare, except one you can't wake up from."

- that was a wacky quote from the past. If anyone knows where it's from they get a gold star.

About Jonathan; I met him in September, and I can't tell you what a relief it was to meet this boy. I had only recently learned that Shawn even had a boyfriend, and I had no idea what to expect, and when I did finally meet him, he was adorable, and funny, and he talked to me directly, and I really wanted to get to know him. From this single encounter, I would say that he's amazing. I think I may have freaked him out a bit; I'm not sure - but Shawn said something about me freaking him out when he called me on New Years, and I've been practically aching to let him know that I...like him. I don't even know why that is; I just want him to know that I'm glad Shawn has him, and I'm not after Shawn, and Shawn & I are friends, and I would like to be friends with him too. I don't want him to feel threatened by me, and I'd like it if we could get along. I mean, Shawn likes him, so he kind of has to be cool, right? Sure, there was that Lynn Fluke, but he's over that (THANK JOSS). If Jonathan's reading this, then: "Hey, I'd love to talk with you sometime; in person, with maybe food & stuff." I want to know all about him actually. Does that sound crazy? Because Shawn & I have this wacky bond, where we are both a little over the edge? It's a nice balance I think, where one of us is suddenly stable (for the moment) and the other is allowed to topple. lol It's refreshing, actually.

Wow. I can't believe I'm typing this all out; it feels great. I'm gonna have to send Shawn here, because I obviously needed to vent this stuff, which would have been vented a long while ago, if only we'd been hanging out. hmmm. Still, things have a way of working themselves out.

So about that phone call. I'm jabbering on, and Shawn says hello to J for me, and then his voice gets all weird, and I know something is...out of sync, and he starts breathing funny, and I think - hey - I know that sound...where do I know that sound? Hmmmm. Let me think. Shawn says that I should call him back about 1:30pm on Saturday and that he'll be awake then and that will be a better time. Understand that he does not give all that info in one sentence - it's broken up with the weirdness...and it suddenly hits me when I've heard him talk like that... And I ask him if they are having sex, and he says not exactly - or something to that effect and he's still all breathy - and then I ask if J's going down on him, because the imagery is killing me. lol And my stomach is all twisted up, because I've suddenly become this prisoner...this tortured 3rd party; I've just walked in this...thing, that I never wanted to see. lol And I said goodbye, and tried to laugh with my friends, who maybe sensed that I was pretending, but they eventually did lift my spirits, and true, real laughter followed, ghosted only now & again by the freaky phone sex thing.

Now. Here's what I think. I think that I'm over Shawn. I think we are going to be friends, and that I'm very happy about that. I think Jonathan is a sweety, and I would love to be his friend as well; of course it's possible that he hates my guts; Shawn's friend Maria & I had our problems, but last time I saw her we actually got along quite well.

If Shawn called me up and said, as a friend, that he needed advice about something, sexually in his relationship, I think I could handle that sitch with flying colors; I really do - because we've been there, and we're apart now - but on equal footing or something... And if S&J were being affectionate in front of me (holding hands, kissing, hugging) that would fine; that would even make me smile. And in all honesty, I think Johnny-boy is kind of hot, though when I voiced this to Mark once, he said that I only think he's hot because he looks like Sean Mobley (another Sean I dated). Which I, for the record, don't agree with.

But I don't think I could handle hearing, or seeing Shawn with Jonathan or anybody else sexually - does that make sense? It's just...it's creepy. And I know that he didn't call me, I called him. And I know he answered the phone, because I was calling at 3:30am and he thought maybe it was an emergency, and that's fine. But I'm kind of pissed, actually, that once he knew it wasn't an emergency...he didn't just say, that now wasn't a good time, and that he had to go, and that he'd call me later. I mean - I think he was trying to do that, but NOT VERY WELL. I felt dirty. And having to find out what I did, the way that I did, seems tacky, and insensitive. Seriously. And shortly after the freaky phonecall, and the fakey laughter, I vomited, and I hadn't been drinking. I was really... It was not a pleasent sensation. lol Is that...crazy, or stupid or whatever? Am I screwed-up, or fucked up, or does this make some kind of sense?

I just think it could have been handled better. But perhaps I'm just selfish or a big loser or something, and it shouldn't have effected me at all. But it really did. So that's the whole tale, as I know it.

But I don't want that one slipup to ruin everything. I don't want them to feel weird around me; I don't want to feel weird around them. I want them to be happy, and me to be happy, and for us, to sometimes be happy together. lol And I would definitely love for Jonathan to get to know Mark & Mollie, in the way that Shawn has, because - they are so much fun! lol

I've been friends with just about everyone I've ever dated, and I've been good friends with a lot of the people that they have dated, because those people & I have something in common, and not only that, the people I cared enough to date, they like these people so I usually trust that these people are worth knowing...and that has been a cherished part of my life; this cycle of friendship and experience. And I don't want that to change - and Shawn, who had a profound effect on me - it would suck if he was the one that it didn't work with, you know? That would be tragic, to me.

So I'm laying myself bare here, as it were, to prevent that from happening, and hopefully even to encourage the friendship process...to flourish. lol. That sounds so fucking cheesy. lol

So...for future reference, I like Jonathan, and I love Shawn - in a friend way. I would very much like to get to know Jonathan, and continue to know Shawn, both apart, and as a couple. And if I call in the middle of the night, and you answer because you're worried that it's an emergency (which is really sweet by the way), and it's not an emergency, but me being really...me, & you guys are screwing or whatever, could you please just stop, for a moment, and let me know it's not a good time, that it was nice of me to call, but tomorrow, or the next day would be better, and we can talk then. And then you guys can fuck like minx (or rabbits, or whatever) AFTER you hang up. Please.

Thank You. ;-0)

So...after not getting in touch with Shawn, I noticed Mark was gone; he had kept to his word, and was at a matinee showing of Sin City. I chatted with Bob online, which was awesome. I don't know this boy, but I want to, and that's something that hasn't happened to me, in at least a year. He might be moving home to Grand Haven in 2 weeks, though... Which sucks, but maybe we'll be friends or something. Who knows? Stranger things have definitely happened. I wonder what his full name is? I'll have to ask him.

Mark & I watched Friday night's Enterprise later. "Bound" was ok. The Orion Slave Girls were back in Trekdom, and the Trip/T'Pol story, which I thankfully enjoy, was in full swing. Only 5 more episodes to go.

My AIM is finally working again. Thank you. I work at the store today, 7pm-close. I believe I work with Heidi, Scott & Ben; it should be fun. I want to find some time to spend with Bryan, Chris & Robert (perhaps Di as well) ;-0) Mollie is going to start watching the L Word with me & Mark, since she loved the first season. I'm about half way through my Star Wars book, but I didn't read much of it today, because I'm trying to make it last.

I just put my towels in the dryer. ;-0)

I work on Monday, but I'm planning on going to Necto that night; I'm really enjoying the vibe there lately; the music is good, and despite faint amounts of drama, I've been having a good time. It's a mostly cool crowd of people, and I've been enjoying the dancing more than I have in years. I think it's better than either City Club, Uptown Downtown, or Skybar right now. And it's only a few blocks from where I live.

I have Tuesday - Thursday off. I'm not sure what I'll be doing those days. And I think I've finally run out of things to say this morning. Oh - only I haven't.

So, Mark's twin brother Marcus, & Marcus's wife Julie just had a baby. They named the baby Nick after Mark's grandfather. Mark's mother called to tell the grandfather about this only to learn from her sister (who is apparently an evil bitch) that their father is in a coma, and isn't expected to wake, which means he may never learn that he has a great-grandson, named in his honor. On top of that, the bitch sister wouldn't tell Mark's mom what hospital he's staying in, and Mark had to track him down, and now Mark's mom is going to drive out there, so she can take her dog with her, despite the fact that she'll have a hard time finding a hotel that allows pets, and that her father may die in the 3 days time it takes her to drive out to find him, and also inspite of the fact that she'll have to leave her dog in the car, while she goes into the hospital to see her father, probably killing the dog in the process - I believe her destination is Arizona, but it might also be New Mexico.

Now, Mark's mother, once assaulted me, days before my high school graduation (I had bruises all over me), and that was just before she came at me with a knife. The woman is not sane. If Mark hadn't been there, either she or I would most likely be dead. And while she apologised for the incident (years later) I don't trust her, and I don't lover her per say. That said, I feel terrible that she's having to go through this, and I feel terrible for Mark, and Marcus, and Julie. The whole thing just sucks. I even wish I could see her bitch sister, so I could tell her she's a bitch, but that's just me being confrontational.

Mark & his mother were planning on visiting Marcus & Julie this coming Saturday, which is also Mark & Marcus's 34th birthday. If their Mother really does drive out to see her father (both the twins offered to fly out with her) then Mark would be going out there alone, and so I might be going as well, even though I HATE long car rides; it's 8 hours I think. I would love to see M & J though, and their new baby; I'd even like to see Hannah; their dog, as I'm slowly getting over my lack of love for pets (which sprang from my disturbing farmhouse upbringing). If I ever own a pet, I think it will be a dog. Or a raccoon. ;-0)

Ok. I need to sleep. Or something - I need to get away from the fricking computer at the very least. That's all for now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:42 AM
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