Sunday, November 6, 2005

Mollie, Adam, & Carrie just left. Mollie came over around 5:30 or 6pm. We watched an episode of Nip/Tuck, then an episode of Drawn Together, then another Nip/Tuck. Then we invited Carrie & Adam over to play the Desperate Housewives game (Carrie & I tied) and then the LOTR Movie Trivia game, which Mollie won. That last game just went on & on - and Mollie was in some pain; I gave her 2 midrin, but she said they didn't help. I don't usually give those out to people because I have to go to the doc to get them and I'm broke - but Mollie would have done the same for me.

I'm tired, but wired, and I don't know what I'm going to do now. Maybe I'll read. I should have showed Carrie those Trek books. Matt from Bowling Green called while we were playing, so maybe I should call him back.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:32 AM
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   Tuesday, November 8, 2005

I don't think I mentioned before that when Mollie left on Saturday she borrowed the first 2 season of Enterprise, which she was willing to watch because she's got a huge thing for Scott Bakula. Anways, on Sunday I finally got some down time, and really got to relax before work. I started watching the 3rd Season of Enterprise. I have only seen it once before & I remembered liking it, but it's even better this time, as it's serialized storytelling is even better when viewed over a shorter period of time ;-0) Work was pretty slow, and non-eventful, except that I sliced my left hand open on a candy rack, while stocking the soda cooler. It was also the last night that I will be closing with Ben as his last day is tomorrow. He will be helping out around Thanksgiving and Christmas I guess, but his days at Hollywood are numbered.

I was at work again on Monday, with very little rest between the shifts, but even though I felt like I'd been there for years, the shift actually went by fairly quickly, excpet - and this is where it gets kind of darkly comical - I cut my left thumb open with a razor blade (there was a lot of blood) and then I later scraped my right arm open on the sale through rack! I was just not having a good time. lol But I was laughing about it and so were my coworkers so it wasn't horrible exactly. My left hand (given the combined injuries) hurt like hell though.

Bryan's having a birthday party on Saturday; Mark, Mollie, Adam, Carrie & I are all invited. I've already expressed my frustration to Mollie & Bryan for not being able to get them gifts (Mollie's birthday is Sunday); but they know me and they understand that I'm broke. It still sucks for me though. ;-0( I would love to get them both the dvd sets of "Drawn Together" or "Dark Shadows" for Mollie.

After work on Monday I slept for several hours, and a while after I woke up, around 3am, Mark came into my room, still awake, and wanting to buy a $1600 tv. It's a really kick ass price; there's no denying that; we simply don't have the money to spend right now. I hope he saves his card for the tv set later, rather than buying a camera with it as he suggested, because that's what the card was for, and I think in the long run it would make him happier. We also talked about money stuff; doctors dentists, and gothzone - which looks like it will probably be shut down. It's too bad really, because not only did we get wholesale stuff through that place - I also believe he would eventually get it going to a profitable conclusion. But we don't have the money or the energy right now - and a store just wouldn't be a wise choice right now either. I think the closing of gothzone is a wise choice, and a somewhat noble one. I respect Mark more than he can know for his business savy, and in this decision even more so than in his other ones.

I slept for a glorious amount of time today. I woke up around 2:30pm, and I felt really good. I noticed Mollie called so I called her back, and she had tried to make an appointment to get rid of her current kidney stone and they told her the earliest she can get in is in early December!?! And she's either out or very low on pain pills, which she apparently would have to go back to the emergency room to get a refill for!?! What the fuck!?! I'm so angry about this, though I tried to stay calm with Mollie on the phone, because my yelling isn't going to help her...unless I yell at the right people. lol

Mollie & I talked about Enterprise, and it was great to talk Trek with her again. Mollie doesn't like Star Trek, but she loves Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. If that sounds weird, than you probably don't know Trek very well, because Deep Space Nine, even while being very entrenched in Star Trek lore (indeed it is in many ways, the best of all the Treks), it is atypical in that the characters are more developed, and the continuity is so rich, and it's mostly staitionary as opposed to all the other ship based series. Anyways, the first 2 seasons of Enterprise are a mixed bag, which I feel are MOSTLY crap. If you combined all the good & great episodes from the 2 seasons, you might have a good season, but that's all you'd have. The show improves exponentially beginning with the final few episodes of the 2nd season. From that point on, it's mostly one giant story, instead of a bunch of crappy random ones. The characters really grow, and the continuity kicks in like mad, and suddenly the show is a lot more like DS9 than Next Generation. I think she will really enjoy the final 2 seasons, and I'm going to enjoy this while it lasts.

After talking with Mollie, I answered e-mail, and there was a TON of it today. I've been having a lot of discussions in a lot of yahoo groups lately on topics about Slash Art, Dick Size Humiliation - and a great deal more subjects just as diverse. lol And then I decided that I better update my blog. I have tomorrow off as well, and I can't tell you how relaxing that is for me. It's really great.

Ooh - last night I also worked on my webpage a bit, which I don't do nearly as often as I would like. I added a page for my fairly new friend Jonathan (my ex-boyfriend's boyfriend!), and while I don't have any pictures posted yet, I did set up a surprise for him, which will hopefully help him out. Last time I saw him he told me that he had never seen a gay themed movie in which one of the gay characters didn't die of AIDS during the film - thereby destroying the gay love story. I put up some links to random gay movies that I thought he might enjoy. That way he can try renting them, possibly buy them, or just watch them with me & Shawn sometime. ;-0) I also started a page for Solomon & Janella, though I don't have any info on it yet.

So things are good today. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:13 PM
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   Thursday, November 10, 2005

I've watched a lot of Enterprise in the last 24 hours. I've finished the 3rd Season, which actually made me cry several times. The show is so good at this point that I'm getting angry again, realizing that it's been less than a year since the series was cancelled. It pisses me off. I'm starting the 4th Season, which I should hopefully finish before Mollie needs it; she is most likely already several episodes into the 2nd season. If I'm not done before she needs more, at least I'll have the 3rd season to offer; and I hope that grows to enjoy the show as much as Adam, Carrie, Mark & did during it's final 2 seasons.

I (again) noticed a flaw in the final 3rd Season episode (and I don't mean the retarded ending, which is less annoying now than it was the first time); T'Pol reports in her log that it's 2152. The year in question is 2154 - I know it was probably just a screw up after a year filled with continuity (DS9 had a mix-up with dates once that was very similar) - but it could be explained away by T'Pol's recent traumatics, or even as a headsup to eagle-eyed viewers that something just isn't right. I don't remember enough of the next 2 episodes to really say for sure; what I remember is that after the 2 episodes were over - so was the Temporal Cold War storyline, and the show's new head writer (Manny Coto) was free to move on in a series of great Trek episodes. ;-0)

I would like to get some writing done in the near future. I need to go grocery shopping sometime soon; maybe after work? I work 1pm-5:30pm and then I have Friday & Saturday off. The final season of Friends should be arriving at the store tomorrow, if it hasn't already - I want to watch it, but I want to watch Enterprise more. We'll so how that plays out. I want to find time to work out this week. I want to get more done on my webpage, and I want to spend time with my friends. I guess that I want a lot.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:15 AM
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   Friday, November 11, 2005

So, I was reading my friends' blogs on livejournal.com, and I got updates on Mollie and Carrie, who are some of my oldest friends. There are also people, whom I've met that I'm not really friends with exactly, who've allowed me to read their blogs over the years, but because I'm not close with these people per say, I feel kind of like a Peeping Tom, sorting through their daily lives; like I'm a stalker or something. It's weird. A lot of the time, it's a complete surprise, and I get all these feelings I didn't expect... which can be good or bad, and sometimes both. When I'm reading the stuff posted by friends, it doesn't feel that way because I know them so well, so I'm not really shocked or surprised; I "get" them, you know? Anyway...

I met this really cute boy at Industrial Night at Necto back in April. I had mistaken him for someone else, and then realized that he was not who I thought he was, because he was in fact, way cuter. It was a fun moment, and a good night of dancing & laughter was had. Understand, I only talked to him for like a second, until we were leaving the bar & I spoke to him and his friends again briefly. Even then I felt like I was kind of intruding - but he was so cute that I was just...compelled. lol. I said goodnight, and was walking to my car, when I saw him watching me leave, and it was, again - adorable. There was the wonderful little crash into a sign post, and the cuteness of the whole thing snapped into place, and I knew I was going to write about him.

I've not been writing about much in the last 2 years. I'm just not inspired by much lately I guess. But on my way home I realized I didn't even know his full name, or how I'd get the poem to him, (which I hate) so I showered and went back out to find him and his friends at the Fleetwood. I talked to him again briefly and I was all kinds of nervous, which rarely happens to me, and that was fun too. I've never actually seen him again in person. I've talked with him online a few times, and that's been nice. We've talked about our attraction, and lust and blah blah blah... But between the time he went home for his school break, and the time that he got back much had changed for him; he came out to his family and he had a boyfriend. I was a bit disappointed; well - a lot disappointed, but I was happy for him too, and I figured that if we were just friends that would be fine.

He & the boy broke up, and we had plans to hang out, but he cancelled, and that was fine too. And he let me read his blog, which he posts in very sporadically - so I'm alwasy surprised when I see something new from him, and I find it odd because I've only seen him the one time. But what's coming through loud and clear is that he still has feelings for the ex-boyfriend - he's clearly in love him still - which is just so sweet, and so...achingly familiar that I find myself wanting to reach out to him and support him, and be some kind of friend, but I don't really know him - so I don't. I just read his life as it flashes across my screen, and I feel for him, which is something I guess. It's really strange. But I end up feeling like a creepy voyeur, because I don't even know if I'm welcome, you know?

Now. I haven't been in love with anyone in years. When I was very, very young I had really big crushes on a series of men, and I know that there were at least two that I loved deeply. Later in life I fell in love with even more. Even when I wasn't falling in love, I was activly lusting after numerous men, and none of that is really happening now. Part of that was by choice - I realized that I had never really been single, and I thought it might be interesting. But part of it is just chance or fate or whatever; I just haven't met anyone that I really like all that much. There were a few boys that I'd carried torches for...for years, and that was kind of comforting, only all of those lights have been put out by cold hard facts.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I envy this guy; his name is Bob. He's really cute, and he's young and going to school and all of that - and these are not things that I envy in people; I just don't, because they don't really matter to me the way that they seem to matter to others. But he's in love, or seems to be - he longs, and he desires, and that's something that I've lost somehow. I don't know if this would comfort him at all, but the lack of those feelings (though they can seem overwhelming, and painful, and sad), is in some ways worse than the consequences of having the feelings themselves.

I don't wish for love, and that's another thing that I'm starting to understand about myself - this little experiment of mine, though at times frightening, as been enlightening. But I Want the Wanting back.

And I want Bob to know that I feel for him; not as a prospective lover or whatever - but as a person. He's hot & everything, and my dick does notice him, but I wouldn't want to fuck up anything for him; I wouldn't even want to try, or whatever. And if we ever did hang out sometime, which I don't assume to be a given, I'll be looking at him a bit differently now. He's cute, but his wanting inspires me. It thrills me to see it alive and well in the world. And I want him to know that I want him to be ok, and happy, and I would really like to be his friend.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:39 AM
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