Friday, November 11, 2005

So, I was reading my friends' blogs on livejournal.com, and I got updates on Mollie and Carrie, who are some of my oldest friends. There are also people, whom I've met that I'm not really friends with exactly, who've allowed me to read their blogs over the years, but because I'm not close with these people per say, I feel kind of like a Peeping Tom, sorting through their daily lives; like I'm a stalker or something. It's weird. A lot of the time, it's a complete surprise, and I get all these feelings I didn't expect... which can be good or bad, and sometimes both. When I'm reading the stuff posted by friends, it doesn't feel that way because I know them so well, so I'm not really shocked or surprised; I "get" them, you know? Anyway...

I met this really cute boy at Industrial Night at Necto back in April. I had mistaken him for someone else, and then realized that he was not who I thought he was, because he was in fact, way cuter. It was a fun moment, and a good night of dancing & laughter was had. Understand, I only talked to him for like a second, until we were leaving the bar & I spoke to him and his friends again briefly. Even then I felt like I was kind of intruding - but he was so cute that I was just...compelled. lol. I said goodnight, and was walking to my car, when I saw him watching me leave, and it was, again - adorable. There was the wonderful little crash into a sign post, and the cuteness of the whole thing snapped into place, and I knew I was going to write about him.

I've not been writing about much in the last 2 years. I'm just not inspired by much lately I guess. But on my way home I realized I didn't even know his full name, or how I'd get the poem to him, (which I hate) so I showered and went back out to find him and his friends at the Fleetwood. I talked to him again briefly and I was all kinds of nervous, which rarely happens to me, and that was fun too. I've never actually seen him again in person. I've talked with him online a few times, and that's been nice. We've talked about our attraction, and lust and blah blah blah... But between the time he went home for his school break, and the time that he got back much had changed for him; he came out to his family and he had a boyfriend. I was a bit disappointed; well - a lot disappointed, but I was happy for him too, and I figured that if we were just friends that would be fine.

He & the boy broke up, and we had plans to hang out, but he cancelled, and that was fine too. And he let me read his blog, which he posts in very sporadically - so I'm alwasy surprised when I see something new from him, and I find it odd because I've only seen him the one time. But what's coming through loud and clear is that he still has feelings for the ex-boyfriend - he's clearly in love him still - which is just so sweet, and so...achingly familiar that I find myself wanting to reach out to him and support him, and be some kind of friend, but I don't really know him - so I don't. I just read his life as it flashes across my screen, and I feel for him, which is something I guess. It's really strange. But I end up feeling like a creepy voyeur, because I don't even know if I'm welcome, you know?

Now. I haven't been in love with anyone in years. When I was very, very young I had really big crushes on a series of men, and I know that there were at least two that I loved deeply. Later in life I fell in love with even more. Even when I wasn't falling in love, I was activly lusting after numerous men, and none of that is really happening now. Part of that was by choice - I realized that I had never really been single, and I thought it might be interesting. But part of it is just chance or fate or whatever; I just haven't met anyone that I really like all that much. There were a few boys that I'd carried torches for...for years, and that was kind of comforting, only all of those lights have been put out by cold hard facts.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I envy this guy; his name is Bob. He's really cute, and he's young and going to school and all of that - and these are not things that I envy in people; I just don't, because they don't really matter to me the way that they seem to matter to others. But he's in love, or seems to be - he longs, and he desires, and that's something that I've lost somehow. I don't know if this would comfort him at all, but the lack of those feelings (though they can seem overwhelming, and painful, and sad), is in some ways worse than the consequences of having the feelings themselves.

I don't wish for love, and that's another thing that I'm starting to understand about myself - this little experiment of mine, though at times frightening, as been enlightening. But I Want the Wanting back.

And I want Bob to know that I feel for him; not as a prospective lover or whatever - but as a person. He's hot & everything, and my dick does notice him, but I wouldn't want to fuck up anything for him; I wouldn't even want to try, or whatever. And if we ever did hang out sometime, which I don't assume to be a given, I'll be looking at him a bit differently now. He's cute, but his wanting inspires me. It thrills me to see it alive and well in the world. And I want him to know that I want him to be ok, and happy, and I would really like to be his friend.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:39 AM
   [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [Comments Welcome Here]