Monday, December 26, 2005

Saturday was mostly horrible. I don't know if it was holiday blues, or what, but I was just freaked out all day. When I did finally make it out to my Grandmother's I was disturbed by a lot of what I saw, and realized that I don't really like a good assortment of my relatives, which I've never really given a lot of thought to. I did however get to see my nephews, and my niece, and Grandma & Grandpa, and Janice, and Aunt Marge's whole family. Jamie didn't even say hello to me; I said hello to Heather and she was clearly disgusted, as was her preacher husband. I only get a few presents a year, because I have a bad track record with Christmas, and I just sort of dropped out of the entire holiday, but my Mother has found that I enjoy cups with Elephants on them, because of a childhood cup that I had. This year she gave me an Elephant with a Jason cup - which made me smile ;-0) I got money from my grandma, per usual, which I've already spent on other people. And the wife of a cousin that I had a long lasting sexual relationship with, gave me a pillow she made that said "God Bless America - Support Our Troops!" - and instead of handing it back to her, and saying something about how I don't believe in god, and I don't support the current war, though I'm not upset with the troops themselves - AND I wouldn't be caught dead with such a pillow in my home - I just took it and smiled, and then left it under my grandmother's bed - which was childish, and I just...I was so not myself. I had a fun conversation with Chris White, Janice, Mark, Katie & Jonathan. ;-0) There were moments I enjoyed, but mostly I just wanted to leave, which hasn't happened since I lived there about a decade ago. When we left, I went over to say hello to my mother's dog, and she tried to bite me. The dog is mean; it's kept outside on a chain - which is really horrible. My family doesn't take care of pets - and yet they have a ton of them - it has really turned me off to pets, and my family at the same time.

But, my Mother makes beautiful beadwork; just really creative stuff!!! And I remember being so close with my cousins when we were little; Heather & I used to ride rides together at the fair, and at amusement parks, and now she doesn't talk to me at all. It's just...sad...and yet we're so different now that we probably wouldn't like each other very much if we did talk. Ugh.

When Mark & I got home we watched Dawson's Creek, and it felt so good to be at home with him, in our little haven. I told him how much I loved him, and thanked him for getting me out there when I was a kid. It was nice.

Sunday I knew I worked at 7pm, and that I could probably dress casual to work because it was a holiday - and yet I still wasn't feeling up to snuff. I was still feeling the negative effects of Christmas Eve. I knew it would be fine, because DJ had told me that we closed early, at 10pm, so my shift was only like 3 hours long, and then we'd close the store and put out the new movies, because they're coming out on Monday this week, which I don't quite understand. I made plans with Mark to watch more Dawson's Creek when I got home around 11pm. But when I got to work, they said we closed at midnight, which pissed me off to no end. Nate called DJ to confirm this, and Nate said that DJ said that he didn't remember telling us we would close at 10pm, but I know he told me & Bryan, and when Heidi came in to close the store, she said that DJ had also told her that we were closing at 10pm. I was so pissed off. It wasn't like 2 more hours were going to kill me, but I was in such a foul mood, and I had been telling myself that it would only be 3 hours and then I could be with Mark, watching Dawson's Creek. I must have looked like I was going to kill. Nate said he'd close for me, and that he could use the money, and so I left a little after 10pm.

There was a message on my phone from Jonathan Lanius; I called him back when I got home, but he was driving, and he asked me to call him back in a few minutes, which I did. I was feeling a bit spacy because I'd taken a few Midrin at work, but it was nice to hear from him, only my overly negative weekend wasn't over. Jonathan was calling to wish me happy christmas, but he also told me his Grandfather died on Thursday, and that he & Shawn broke up just before that. It was all very depressing, though I assured him that I do want to keep in touch with him, and that Mark, Mollie & I all would like to be his friends - and that we would all, of course, remain friends with Shawn too. It was a nice conversation, but it left me feeling sad for both of them.

I told Mark the news, and he agreed that Jonathan was cool and that we'd remain friends with him. We continued with Dawson's Creek. I had some food to help with my drug induced haze, but it sort of made it worse. The show made me cry, but I felt like I was crying for everything that had happened this weekend. Before Mark went to bed he said some odd things about how a relationship like ours, is something that he would never wish on anyone - which struk me as offensive, considering that he tells me he loves me all the time, and I do the same to him; we're there for each other, and we support each other - and I even attempted to get back together with him, which he didn't accept - so I'm not sure what he means... It's kind of bothering me. erg. And people talk about how our relationship is so unique, and so cool...what did Mark mean? He didn't explain.

I watched "Spin The Bottle"; I only meant to watch one scene, but then I watched it all, and Mark is going to watch it tomorrow so we can finally talk about it. I hope Shawn is ok. I hope Jonathan is ok. I hope I'm ok. Oh. Mark & I are going to see Janice and her family on New Year's Eve - that's when I was going to give them their gifts - but I'm not sure they'll even be here before Saturday. Also, Jonathan & Shawn are having a final party together that night, before they go their seperate ways, and J really wants us to be there. I'll have to figure out how this is going to work.

I'm tired. Maybe I'll get some sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:02 AM
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   Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I didn't get any sleep before work on Monday, and my horrible weekend continued; I felt a little better by the time I left work, but not quite good. I went to bed as soon as I got home, and it felt good to get some sleep. I caught up on ALIAS on Tuesday, and something I heard about the show, turned out to be false, but it has improved since the start of the season, and ended with a cliffhanger, which sucks because the show doesn't come back until March. Hopefully the show will end well.

Mark had a bad day. I was going to take Mollie her Rent cds, but she has a cold and was going to bed. She has the weekend off, and possibly Monday too; I have no idea what days off I have next week, but I always have Tuesdays off, and I'm hanging out with Janice/Dad/Justin/Jordan/Jillian & Jonathan here at the condo. I'm looking forward to that. I might go see Brokeback Mountain tonight, or possibly Thursday night, which would be nice. Mark & I are planning on going to the Shawn/Jonathan New Year's Eve party, which will hopefully be fun...and I most likely close the store Sunday night. I work until Saturday this week. If Mollie & I both have Monday off, which isn't really that likely, we'd like to have a Nip/Tuck Marathon; she's behind by 9 episodes, and I really want to not ruin the ending for her.

I need to go to the grocery store, and get things ready for when I go to work later today. I don't want to be in a crabby mood at work today; I want to have fun. And it's easier for me to do that when I don't have to run around looking for stuff, and getting ready super fast just before work. I like taking my time getting ready, and for me, that requires a little forethought. So...I guess I should get that done now.

I miss Jennifer. I really do. And I'm bummed about the Shawn/Jonathan breakup. A lot. erg. Maybe I'll call Jennifer before I go to the grocery store. I don't think she'll answer, but I could leave her a message at least. And I should call Jonathan tomorrow to let him know we plan on going to the party.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:50 AM
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   Friday, December 30, 2005

I didn't go to the grocery store Wednesday morning. I realized I was more tired than I had first suspected, and decided I'd get a few hours sleep, drive Mark to work and get groceries on the way home, before getting a bit more sleep before work. But it didn't work out the way I planned; nothing ever does, which is why I try not to plan things ahead of time; fate always seems to shit on me when I do.

I hit the snooze button too many times, and when I did finally stumble out of bed, and wake Mark up for work, it was almost time for him to be there. I told him I was driving him to work, and that I'd get groceries on the way home. Mark has been having some physical problems, and he decided that he was going to call the doctor and make an appointment; he got one at 10am; it was already after 9am, and I couldn't drive him, wait at the doctor's, drop him off, and still have time for sleep, so I went back to bed and tried to sleep. I was telling fate to kiss my ass, but I was glad that Mark was going to the appointment; I worry about him.

Mark left in a hurry, after a shower that seemed too loud; the water was probably louder in my room than it was in the tiled shower space. I couldn't sleep, and stopped trying. I worked on a cd. Been so long since I finished a project, and I thought it might help me clear my head. I've been fuzzy ever since Christmas Eve; ever since I realized that the great divide that once, so obviously seperated Gay Jason from his straight ignorant relatives hadn't ceased to exist; it had only been ignored. That was something that I could never have done while living among them, but it was also something easier to ignore when Mark & I escaped. The few relatives that I came to respect in my youth were still amazing people, while ones that I had loved with no thought of who they were... they betrayed me without a second glance, just as I once knew that they would.

The project helped, and I did finish it. I started getting ready for work, and Mark called me to let me know that his appointment had been kept, and that he had lost all faith in modern medicine. I gave Mark some idea of what I wanted from the store... which wasn't much. I had planned on wandering the aisles, just grabbing what looked best. Food & I have never mixed well, even before it hurt me the way it does now. It was sweet of him to go though, and it made me smile a little brighter.

Work was long, and busy, and I was tired. I called a woman by her name, as most cashiers in retail are taught to do, after seeing someone's I.D.; it's to help confirm that the person is who they say they are, and it's just 2nd nature to me after all these years. If the person doesn't anwer to the name on the I.D., then that's a pretty good sign that trouble's brewing. But this woman glared at me, and said: "Don't you be calling me by my name, likes you know me."!?! Sometimes when I'm tired, I don't think; I just speak, and this time I was so tired, that I didn't even have the energy to act offended, or to raise my voice; I simply said: "From your demeanor, I'd have to say that the people that know you must call you something other than your name.", which should have led to something other than what it did. I think the people in line who were obviously put off by her harsh tone with me, and were subsequently amused by my retort, shamed her into not making anymore of a scene. I've had a knack for sarcasm my entire life; maybe because the world I was raised in terrifed me. There have been many times, when this cowardly humor has been a kind of curse that I wanted no part of... but there are other moments, when its strengths justify the horrible need for it's existence.

DJ later told me that I was funny; not because of what I'd said to the woman, but because when it came time to take my break, and Jeff had his stuff all over the break room (though he was now off the clock), and he wouldn't stop talking to me (though it was obvious to almost everyone who saw me that I needed this break more than usual), I looked him square in the eye and said that I was on my break, and that if he could just stop talking, then I would appreciate it. I wasn't trying to be rude, and I didn't intend the remark to be funny; I just really longed for silence. I had to wait for Mark to pick me up after my shift; I usually work the extra time it takes him to arrive, but this time I punched out, made some calls to Mollie, Jonathan, Shawn, & Janice, and then put my head down. Bryan saw me, and turned off the cd player in the office, and shut off the lights for me; it was a small act of kindness from a friend, that I really appreciated, and made me think of a dream once confessed to me, and a previous conversation which only hinted at the dream's profound effect.

I wanted to sleep when I got home, but I also wanted to stay awake for a few hours so that Thursday night I'd be more likely to be awake and willing to see "Brokeback Mountain", which Mark obviously wanted to see this week, but which I was slightly afraid would make this last weekends realizations more painful. Mollie & I had spoken at work, and her cold has gotten worse, and yet she couldn't get Monday off; I still have no schedule for next week; DJ always does it late in the week, and I sometimes don't see it until the new week has started. I'm thinking I'll rent Dark Shadows for Mollie, and drop off her cds with the dvds Friday Night or Saturday so that she has something to distract her from her illness over her weekend off.

My older sister, Janice... We used to enjoy the same books and movies, and that was something that really glued us together. She gave me a book to read, which I've had for nearly a year now, and I finally got around to reading it through; it wasn't horrible, and I probably would have enjoyed it a lot more when I was younger, but as it is, it just made me sad. Sad for the characters, which is cool, but also a bit sad that the Jason & Janice who shared the same opinions on stuff like that don't exist anymore, or if they do, they are buried under so much reality that we barely see them anymore. I'm really excited about giving her & the kids their New Year's presents, which I think will be fun, and I think Janice will really like her gifts. I got her a newer edition of the book she let me borrow, which features a real house on the cover, which is the place where much of the action of the book is centered; I think she'll really like that.

I managed to get a lot more sleep, and was well prepared for work to be busy, except that it was mostly not. I worked with the other 2 Jeffs, Josh, and Scott most of the day. Scott will be starting a new job and won't be with us anymore, which is too bad; he fit in rather well after awhile, though I guess my interactions with him are too random to really say that. But his friendly nature was appreciated by me. Jeff R. was in a good mood, and things have generally been good between us the last month or so. He told me that after his girlfriend got to spend more time with me at the Necto/Hollywood party last week, she decided she wanted to know more about me, and Jeff sent her to my webpage; she later told him that she learned a lot about me. lol He said the tone of her voice made him laugh. Hopefully she wasn't frightened away; she's sweet.

I bought still more presents for Janice & family - and now that's all set. I just need to wrap everything, and get cards, and boxes - plus I need to get something for Dad. I've never gotten anything for my dad. Nothing that I can remember. What do you get for a man who so traumatized you in youth, but is so broken now, as to inspire pity? I sometimes wish that I had more money & that I could afford to take care of him; perhaps repairing some of what has been damaged between us. I'd like to get his teeth fixed, and get him medicated, and repaired, and just... as comfortable as he can be... And yet I don't often think of him. It's scary how much influence parents can have on the life their children will lead, even their children leave them behind; our childhooods ghost us long after we forget they exist.

After work, I set up all the gifts. I took a shower. I had taken one before sleeping, and still felt really clean before work, and (in a rare moment) decided to skip my pre-work shower. The hot water felt good on my scalp. I'd had a terrible headache at work, but had my pills with me. My jaw is so fucked up now, that any day that I smile a lot, or talk or whatever, I get a headache; not all of which require a controlled substance, thankfully, but this one really did. It was gone, but it haunted me. I smiled, and felt good about my energy... dressed, and left with Mark for Brokeback.

The movie was quiet, and slowly moving. The audience was mostly well behaved, though a few annoying people to our left, and just behind us were sometimes loud with conversation, and their was laughter in places that were tragic. Surprisingly, astonishingly, none of the many straight people made noises of disgust during the male/male affection scenes; and the ill timed laughter seemed to be aimed at the other characters, who were no less deserving of silence. I didn't think the movie affected me; it didn't seem to get inside me, until it was over, and then it was still with me. It was so subtle as to be utterly shocking to find it there with me, in the hall, in the car... I cried. When I got home, my headache had returned, and so had the pills. I put the Brokeback soundtrack on, and went to talk to Mark who showed me his blog, which I haven't read since he began writing in it. I used to check his blog all the time, even after he'd done something and no one could read it. I'd even told him a few times, but he didn't feel like writing, I suppose. His words made me smile; grateful that we've shared each others' company for as long as we have. He held me in his bed, while I tried to will away the pain in my head, and our snuggles (so rare these days) made the images of the film resurface, and enrage me, even as I drifted into a short nap.

When I woke, I told Mark that I was going to take another hot shower to help with the pain, and that maybe we could wrap gifts after I got out. He said he might not be awake by then, and I told him I'd wake him. The shower was nice. I got the prsents ready for wrapping, but decided to let Mark sleep; we can wrap them after work tomorrow. Maybe go to the card shop on Saturday, before I go to Mollie's? I cleared the gifts from my bed, and I slept. I dreamed about the movie.

When I woke at around 5am, I picked up the Brokeback book I bought a month or two ago, and I read it straight through. It's only 55 pages long, and the story is powerful. The film adaptation is amazing, and brilliant. This may seem like an odd comparison, but years ago, while staying the night at a friend's home for the night in Royal Oak; I couldn't sleep, and I picked a Clive Barker book off of her shelf, and I read the short story that was the basis for the Candyman movie; a film I really enjoyed. The short story that inspired it was also very good, and it was breathtaking to see this bare bones version; the skeleton of the film. It was like that again with Brokeback, though I fear I'll be haunted by this story for the rest of my life; in a way, I already have been.

I had a snack after the reading, which was nice. The cold BOOST felt rich & powerful sliding down my throat. I felt like writing in my blog, and here is the result. A post longer than I expected, but hopefully enlightening.

A note about Mark's webpage. The music that plays over it, is a wordless version of "Trust" by The Cure. I first heard this song, on 89X around 1991. The song has been a favorite of mine for years, for obvious reasons to those that know me...the words could easily pertain to many people, I'm sure, which is what gives them their power. But hearing it play on Mark's site, I can't help but link it to Mark & myself, and the result is rather staggering.

I work 1pm-5:30pm today; I might get some more sleep. I might read Brokeback again. My headache is back; not sure why, but this one is kicking my ass. I'm not gonna take any pain pills for it though. There's no point at the moment.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:37 AM
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