Sunday, April 23, 2006

Pardon the spelling errors. All my fault. I'm just not in the mood to even try to fix them today.

Mark is sad. It's his birthday & he's sad, and I don't know what to do. He wanted to go out today. My stomach is really upset; much moreso than it's been in a long time. I wanted to go out with him today, but I don't think that's a good idea now. He had plans with his Father for today, but he cancelled them to be with me, which sucks for him now. He tried to get his dad to take him out yesterday instead, but his dad didn't get the e-mail until yesterday, and he had to go in to work. I gave him his presents yesterday, and this morning when I got groceries, I got him extra Zebra Cakes (which he's hooked on), and a card with some multi-colored roses, and we watched some Dawson's Creek. With my limited funds, and current ailment, I've done the best that I can to give him a good birthday; the 2nd such effort in less than a year, though this one is obviously more muted than the birthday blowout of last August. I feel bad, which makes my stomach hurt worse. Ugh.

I'm getting a pimple. Probably because I've been having little bites of chocolate lately. I'm not supposed to have it because of the caffeine, but it hasn't bothered me as of yet, and I don't think my stomach probablem today has anything to do with that. The chocolate thing will pass. I'm giving it up again after my current stockpile disolves.

Mark's in the shower; he decided he's going to Pizza House by himself. He only went out to get some food yesterday, and he really wants to get out of the condo today. I didn't realize it was that important to him. My stomach is actually not hurting as badly now as it was earlier, so maybe when he gets out I'll see if we can still go to Red Robin.

I went to Aut Bar last night to see Matt, who was tending bar and looking really busy. I saw Marc again, and chatted him up for awhile. I saw this guy that looked really familiar, but I was locked in conversation mode, and the guy seemed to leave. When I decided I was going to leave and go grocery shopping...I went downstairs to say goodbye to Terry, and the guy was sitting at the bar. I joined him, and struck up a conversation, with the familiar looking (and hot looking) guy - who I later drove back to his hotel (the Bell Tower Hotel - room 304?).

Ok...Mark just got out of the shower, but he jumped right on the phone; I think he's talking to his mom. I could go tell him now that we can go, but I don't want to piss him off after saying we could go, then saying we couldn't and then changing my mind again. Ok. Mark is going to go see his mom, which I told him sounded nice. His mom has really been nice in the last few years, and the only reason I'm wary of her is because of my scary memory; I see her, and feel the bruises, and see the knife. Maybe I'll go for a walk later.

Mark just came into my room, and told me that when he & his mother went to visit Marcus's son, his mother told him a story about his father. Mark was telling me this story and he just started shaking and weeping; I haven't seen him do that in years. I'm really glad he told me, and now I'm really glad that he's going to him mom's house. I'd offer to go, because I think he would like me to go, and for us all to get along, but I'm not sure my stomach is up to a longer car ride, and I don't want to make him cut his visit short just for me, you know? So I just hugged him, and let him borrow one of my shirts. I hope they have a great evening.

The story Mark told was that when his parents divorced they sold their home, and each got half of the selling price. Mark's dad sued of custody of the kids, which in retrospect doesn't make a lot of sense, because he has never seemed to really want the kids; it sounds like he just wanted the kids so that their mother wouldn't have them. That kind of bullshit happens all the time in divorce cases...but maybe his dad did want the kids back then, and that changed - or Mark's mom said some crazy things too - I don't know. But as Mark's life has unfolded, Mark's dad has mostly been an asshole, and Mark's mom has mostly been supportive, even with her lapses now and again. It's very obvious that Mark's mother loves him very much. And I don't know how his dad feels - he just...he's very odd. Anyways - apparently Mark's dad had an affair with the babysitter. I forgot to type that first. During the divorce, Mark's dad (Roger) told Mark's mother (Maria) that he was going to make her use all her money to try to keep the kids, and then he when she was broke, he would take the kids - and that's what happened. Roger also had Maria checked into a mental hospital. We knew that she had been in a mental hospital, which doesn't shock me, or scare me, or change my opinion of her one way or another. My dad has lived in several such institutions, my step-father works at one, and I stayed on a mental ward myself once...or something similar... This news hit Mark really hard, and I can only assume that it's been horrible having that knowledge bottled up inside him. The whole moment was surreal. So now I feel really good about staying home, actually. I feel like they should have a nice time together, and maybe sometime in the future, I can tag along. Mark said that if he knew that what Roger had told Maria back when he was a kid, that he would have told her not to spend any of her money on them, and that if Roger got custody, they would just run away and live with her. That's so sweet, and even more so coming from someone who's crying their heart out... It was almost like Mark was a little boy again sitting on my bed. It was beautiful in a way, and so sad, and so intense, but the story only lasted about 3 minutes, and then the crying stopped, and he got ready. It was so strange. One of those strange moments in time. But I thanked him for telling me the story, and I meant it. Makes me wonder what other stories I've missed.

So back to the guy I met at Aut Bar. His name is Tony (I know his full name, but I'm not gonna post it here), and he's a math teacher in Chicago, where he currently lives. He teaches at the collegic level, and feels he wouldn't have the patience for high schoolers or elementary. He used to live in Ann Arbor about 5 years ago, when he lived here, also because of a teaching position; he's originally from New Jersey. He's the same age as me; only 4 months younger, his birthday is something like December 15, 1974. He was just here for the weekend, revisiting the city. He likes to visit cities and 'take them in', and he has a fondness for older rundown kind of cities, like Ypsilanti & Detroit. He once visited Grand Rapids on a 4th of July with some reluctant friends along for the ride (he talked them into it by saying they could get dinner there - but everything was closed). He has a brother & a sister. He came out when he was 19, I think. He likes both men & women, but prefers men; he thinks most women wouldn't want a bisexual man. The first guy he ever fooled around with was named Derik, and they just jacked off together, not touching each other, and that was hot. He's a versatile top, who hasn't dated in a year, but has had sex in that time, having been fucked a few months ago, and fooled around with a fuck buddy about a month ago. He has a webpage, though I don't know the address; I didn't ask for it. He went to my webpage last night, and he liked it. He had a gay.com chat room opened on his computer and so he probably has an account there. He has a scar on his abdoman from a car accident when he was 3 years old, in the car by himself, and he moved the gear shift or break or something, and they thought he was bleeding internally, and did this surgery, only to learn that he was fine. He has a scar on his chest from when he was 4 years old and poured scalding hot water onto himself; he's not a masochist, he was just really curious. He's Itallian. His back was hairless, and smooth - Obviously we talked a lot of the night. We fooled around in a completely safe way (he had 1 non-magnum condom, and no lube), and I had a really good time, while getting to know a really interesting guy. I left his hotel a little after 4am, got groceries, and returned home. It was really nice.

After the Dawson's Creek watching with Mark (we have 5 discs total left from the entire series), Mark went to bed to read some more of his V for Vendetta graphic novel, and then sleep, and I read some Star Wars before I slept. I had a dream that my co-worker Nate was gay, and that he started dating my ex-gf Jennifer because I had gone out with her. It was weird. I was pissed off at him in the dream, because I thought he was going to hurt Jennifer. I know what inspired this dream. I read this thing about suspected gay/bisexual men, and one of them was Tom Cruise, and the blurb next to his name said something about this being the cause of his failed marriages to Mimi & Nicole, and the reason why he'd never had any biological kids before...except now he has one with KH. I couldn't care less about Tom's orientation, but I'm pretty sure that's what inspired this dream, because...since I didn't care about Tom I've never given that stuff any thought, and for a split second there I thought about how if that were true, then I felt so sorry for his wives, and then I moved on. Of course I've seen tabloid headlines about him being gay, or whatever, and I've seen reports of him taking people to court for saying they slept with him or something, but I never really thought about it before. And I guess I still don't, I just had to think about it again now because of the dream. So now I'm done.

I woke up not feeling that great, which is because I ate really soon before sleeping. I stayed up for awhile. Our internet connection really sucks lately, and I guess some people are coming out to fix it on Wednesday. I went back to sleep, where I had other strange dreams, that I can't quite recall now. I do remember it had something to do with Janice & I on vaction when we were younger, and Janice playing a piano. It was weird. I woke up feeling even less rested, and my stomach even more upset. I brushed my teeth, and went to the computer where I started replying to some e-mail to distract me. And then I also started looking to see what dvd I should get this week, and that's when Mark came into my room and I told him I didn't feel like going out. He just left about 2 minutes ago, after bring my phone in from the car, where I left it last night.

So that's what's been going on.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:21 PM
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   Monday, April 24, 2006

I'm bored. I'm having trouble sleeping - probably because it's really warm in my room. I don't work today, so I feel less pressure to sleep. I might go to Necto tonight; I haven't gone to Factory Night in ages; it could be fun. I work Tuesday. I know I have Wednesday off, because I asked for it off because of my dentist appointment, which I'm kind of nervous about. And I just remembered that when I was there they gave me a form to fill out and I have no clue what I did with it; fuck! I have Saturday off too. I almost certainly work on Friday, and I have no idea if I work Thursday. I'll get my hours on Tuesday, if not sooner.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:24 AM
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   Saturday, April 29, 2006

I was just havng the most fabulous dream, about school, and my sisters, and church, and my grandparents, and death, and we were all watching the 4th Season of the L Word on DVD and the opening of the disc was this candlight intro by the cast doing this major poetry piece that was completely rocking my world! And then a knock on my door. Maybe he'll go away if I don't answer; let me listen to the poetry. A knock at my door. Again. Damn. Leave me alone PLEASE. Now it sounds like he's opening my door to double check. Maybe he isn't though, but my imagining he was pulled me the fuck out of that heaven of lesbians kicking ass with words, candles and deeds(like Buffy before me!) and now I'm here, and annoyed and pissed off.

I haven't written here since Monday because our internet connection was all kinds of sucky. Monday night I went to Aut Bar on my way to Necto - Matt Joined me, which was mostly fun, if very strange. Not sure about that one. Always the kiss, and fit, but never a complete answer. Oh well.

Nothing much happened this week, except a return to a chocolate addiction, which must now die. Jennifer is visiting from Seattle today, and will soon return to Michigan due to depression & worried loving friends. Shawn & Jonathan have been back togother for 2 months (though both apparently thought that the other had told me - only they hadn't) and are moving to Grand Rapids today. Mark & I finished 5th Season Dawson's Creek. I worked and I slept and I ate the forbidden chocolate, and I tried not to feel so damned bad. I continued to work on Shawn's cds, as I've done for years now, but the damned things refuse to finish themselves in my absence, and the terrible passages are still terrible and unexplored by a more thurough eye. Elvis returned from the dead again this week. My Elvis. With plans to visit me that were cancelled, but promises to return again, and this time with Tracy #4; Hip-Hop Tracy whom I loved so shortly & sweetly. May 18.

Mark just came back to find me writing, and when I tried to read to him what I had written but he left early on, and I continued to read aloud, delighting in the words, and the memory of the dream...until it hurt too much to continue reading aloud without an audience. And I continued to write.

We met Mollie & Kenny at Pizza Hut on Thursday night. Lots of laughter, and later a trip to Hollywood; fun was had by all. Last night I met up with my friends Mollie, Kenny, Carrie, Karen & Adam at Applebees; laughter abounded, resounded, dumbfounded us all. I'm aware that I'm spelling a lot of this wrong, but refuse to correct it; this is a free flow first draft and I can't be bothered to correct this stuff.

Dreams of the locker room return with the cute bully boy who just wanted to make out with me at my inner city high school - with college credit. The air conditioning is easing me back into dreams, and I will not resist. No bus rides for now; for now I must sleep before cleaning, before Mark & I collect our Jennifer.

Yet my brain is troubled by the chance that Mark will rebell and refuse to accompany me to the airport. It's a small worry though, and I won't let that stop the dreams from overtaking me...in this race that I've apparently already won.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:12 PM
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