Sunday, May 21, 2006

So, not having heard from Elvis & Tracy yesterday, Mark & I made some plans to get groceries (which was very important! lol), and he was gonna go run some errands while I got ready. We were then going to go to Kroger and stop at Hollywood so Mark could rent movies, and we were going to take some pictures. I found a message on my voicemail from an hour previous, from Elvis asking me to call her back. My phone didn't ring because it was recharging, while I watched "Star Trek: Insurrection"; a movie I hated in theaters, but has since grown on me. I was watching that because the new Trek book I'm reading references it over & over. Anyways, I called Elvis back and left her a message (less than an hour after she left her message on my phone), and then after we didn't hear back from her, Mark left to run his errands.

Now, just after Mark left with the car, and I started preparing to shave, Elvis called me back, and she was with Tracy, in Ann Arbor, at Ashley's and they wanted me to join them. I told her that Mark had the car, and they said they could come here, so I told them to let me shave & shower and then I'd call them back. I did. I cleaned up the condo a bit too, which didn't take much effort. When they arrived it was so AMAZING. Tracy #4, as we called her, or Hip Hop Tracy, is actually a beautiful woman who's name is Tracy Elzy; she was one of the nicest people I knew, but I haven't seen her in a little over 10 years!!!! And she's still just so amazing, and bright, and she's even hotter now! People say she looks like Halle Berry, but I'd say she looks like Halle Berry, only Tracy has a personality - which Tracy appreciated when I told her that. lol Seeing Elvis again was fabulous! I saw her about 3 or 4 years ago, for a show on my birthday at the Elbow Room, but it was kind of strained. This wasn't. This was like, the old days, only with less drama. We're all a decade older, and everything just so much fun to talk about and enjoy; even the bad stuff was fun now.

Mark returned and I had my picture taken with my women. We went to Borders to see if Kelli Parker was working (another old member of our crew), and she was, but she looked like she was going to have a heart attack, seeing us all together again. She said she was getting off work at 11pm, and if we could all hang out that would be cool.

Tracy said she could, and we were all in, but Tracy had an incident with her phone and needed to go get a new one, before meeting her birth mother and uncle. She's been in Michigan for a few days I guess; her father just got some huge lifetime achievement award in music in Detroit, where he worked at a radio station. And Tracy mentioned her Nieces, so she must have at least one sibling. I always liked Tracy, and she was always friendly with me, and looking out for me, but we really didn't know each other that well (but many of us didn't back then because it was DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA all the time, both with each other and with ourselves). I always thought she went to UofM but she went to Eastern, which makes sense. I also thought she was younger than me, but she's only a month younger; and only a few days younger than Paul. Elvis shares that birthday month as well, though she's a year younger than us. I also learned the origin of the Tracy#4 name, as there were no Tracys#1-3. There was some confusion over which Tracy people were talking about (there were 2 of them), and Paul started referring to the other Tracy as Tracy #1, and this Tracy as Tracy#2 - Tracy Elzy eventually said something like "I was here first, why aren't I tracy#1?" and then Paul said that she could be Tracy#4, and the other Tracy would be Tracy#5. And all these years I've wondered who the other 3 Tracy's were, only there weren't any!!!!

So while they were phone shopping, and visiting with family, Mark & I went grocery shopping. I talked to Paul on the phone and told him I'd call him later so he could talk to everyone and he asked me to use his housephone instead of his cell, but when I did it wasn't their current number, so I tried his cell, and he never returned my call. Shopping went by painlessly, and I was all glowing from seeing my friends. I had to take some midrin though because all the smiling and laughing was giving me a headache, which is just so fucked up in so many ways!!! Laughing and smiling should NOT make you suffer!!! Am I right? That's just wrong! And while it scares me that it's getting worse, it's also making me really angry, which feels good.

We went to Hollywood video after shopping so Mark could rent some movies, and DJ, Heidi, Andrea & Bill were all working. I gave DJ a big hug & a wet kiss on the cheek, because Mollie had asked me too on Friday but I had forgotten; he thought that was really funny. I was still glowing from the reunion experience, and I had my picture taken with Heidi. DJ & I talked about seeing X3 & playing Buffy. DJ also told me that I got a 20 cent raise, which was the maximum available because our store didn't do as good as last year. I got a big hug from Andrea, and Mark picked up the new Final Fantasy movie, and Aeon Flux. That whole visit was fantastic also, except that I referenced Heidi's leaving to her before we left, which really didn't have anything to do with what was going on, and it was just me being selfish, and wanting her to stay, when she doesn't want to leave the good Hollywood stuff, she wants to leave the bitchy customers, because they really get to her and make her life harder than it needs to be. This little reference I made, it wasn't discussed like this, but I think I'll e-mail her about it or something, because I realzied the selfishness of it after we left, and it was my one big blunder of the day!

When we got home I thought I might try to sleep. It was around 7pm, and that's when I've been going to bed. But the phone rang around 8pm; Tracy & Elvis were now at the Aut Bar, and were inviting Mark & I to join them, which we did. Except after I had a drink I went home and changed because we were sitting in the shade, and the day was cooling down, and it was just a bit too chilly. I brought some photo albums with me to share. And it was fun to see their reactions to my beat up binders and pictures; Tracy even thanked me for taking all those pictures back then because she doesn't have any from back then. She later realized that she couldn't stay later, and had to leave. There were more pictures taken, and hugs exchanged, and I could tell Elvis was getting emotional (they used to date, but Elvis fucked it up - we were all so young back then)... I got her address and phone#. I told her I'd send her one of my spoken word cds, and I think I'll send her copies of some relevant pictures. I think she'd like that. She lives in Columbus, Ohio, which she says is really super GAY, and she lives with her girlfriend Jen, who sounds amazing, but couldn't make it out here with her because she got this job where she made a disturbing amount of money in just a few days. We're supposed to hang out again sometime, this summer hopefully. And she extended an invitation to visit her in Columbus, so hopefully we will see each other again.

Elvis was crying after Tracy left, saying she still loved Tracy, and that she never should have fucked things up the way she did back in the day, but we were all so very young then, and none of us even knew ourselves very well, that it's very unlikely that it would have lasted, which Elvis knows. We were all very tired, because Mark goes to bed around 10 or 11, and I usually go to bed around 7pm, and Elvis had a very long day, and long drive back to Brooklyn (Michigan), but we all kind of stuck with it because we didn't want to disappoint Kelli, who is going through some mental shit (some things never change), and she & her longtime girlfriend Polly are going through a rough patch. Elvis & Mark picked up Kelli, while I fell asleep in my room (I was kind of fuzzy because of the Midrin), and when they got back we visited for about an hour (with another picture taken of us) and then Elvis drove Kelli home. We're all hoping to hang out within the next couple of weeks.

It took me about 40 minutes to get to sleep. I was just so buzzed from seeing so many people I loved in one day; it was like concentrated bliss. And we talked about so many people that I haven't seen in ages, and others that I see all the time, but love just the same, and it was all so GOOD. The phone rang about a quarter after 2am, but I ignored it and tried to get back to sleep, but it rang again. I picked up my phone, wondering who would be trying to wake me up instead of just leaving a message, and it was Mollie. I answered right away, knowing that something horrible must be happening or she wouldn't call this way...half getting out of bed because I expected to hear she needed my help, or something, and she told me that our friend Karen's mother had just died, and that Karen was with her brother right now, but that we should try to visit her within the next few days. We all knew Karen's mom. She was friendly but could get under your skin, like any mother I suppose. She loved Buffy & Angel, so she was cool. She had a "mild stroke" and then a "mild heart attack" not long ago, but I think Mollie said it was her heart again...and now she's gone. She lived with Karen & her brother, so that must be even worse for Karen because all her mom's stuff is there, and she's used to having her mom around all the time, and now she's not. I used to think it was horrible that her mom moved in with her, but maybe it was good, because they got to spend so much time together in the last few years... I went back to sleep. But it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up. Karen's mom is dead. How can I help? I'm not certain, but I think just being there for her will help...but I'm not sure when I should call. I don't want to disturb them if they're resting. I'll call Mollie later and see what's going on.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:55 AM
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   Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Work Sunday night was mostly fine, but I was really tired, and went to bed soon after getting home. Monday, I baked some cookies, ate (not the cookies. lol), and all the other stuff people do every day. I called Karen, and left her a message, letting her know I was here for her; she called me back later, and I got her to laugh. The funeral is on Thursday, the showing is on Wednesday, and today DJ wants me to work, so I'm good. I watched the finale of Desperate Housewives, which was mostly a setup for next season, and "Sexual Intligence", which was kind of fun, and more inclusive than I expected. I know I did other stuff yesterday, but I'm pressed for time at the moment, as I have to be at work soon. I might right more later.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:27 PM
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   Wednesday, May 24, 2006

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:26 PM
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Work was mostly fun. I worked with DJ, Jeef (who will soon be leaving us), Bryan, Bobby & Nate. DJ & I had several fun exchanges; it's a lot of fun working with him. It made me feel good to work on a day I wasn't scheduled as a favor to him; arriving early, getting my bundle goal, and doing all that stuff that's expected of me. It was nice. I was really tired around the time I had to leave.

I talked to Mollie & Janice on the phone, while waiting for Mark to get off work. And Karen too. When we got home, I was so tired, but I watched the Series Finale of ALIAS before sleeping. I have mixed emotions about the finale. SPOILERS AHEAD, SO THOSE NOT WANTING TO HAVE THE FINALE RUINED SHOULD STOP READING THIS ENTRY NOW!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

SPOILERS!

SPOILERS!

SPOILERS!

SPOILERS!

So...the flashbacks in the final hour - some of these were wonderful. Others were annoying. The flashback of Sydney putting together the Project Christmas puzzle seem to jibe with the flashbacks from Season 2 where the putting together of the puzzle was part of a training scenario - it was part of a sleeper cell program, which is why Sydney couldn't remember it until she was hynotized in season 2 - but here she does it on her own, which means she should remember the puzzle in Season 2. The scene with Francie. I can see why they wanted to do that scene and bring her back, BUT - the scene was reenactment of a scene seen in the pilot episode - and Syd looks completely different here - which is annoying for all kinds of reasons - 1 of which, is that the original version made more sense because Syd actually looked younger, because the pilot was filmed a while before the actual series. In the new version, it just doesn't feel real. Also, why bring back Francie, if we're not going to see Evil Francie (Alison) who has been alive and kicking but never seen again since Season 3? I would have preferred that they brought her back, and also used her in a completely different flashback as our beloved Francie. I didn't like that we didn't see the start of the Irina/Sydney fight. I did like that the prophecy finally made some kind of sense - though I'm still not clear on the part about the symbol of Rambaldi, The Passenger & the Chosen One. Plus we never got an answer about how Vaughn's dad could have saved Nadia if he had already been killed by Irina. And did we even find out what the deal was with those chips that were inside Vaughn/Rene? The only 2 scenes that I felt really worked for me, were the end of the Tom/Rachel thing (which was fantastic), and the scene where Syd says goodbye to her father. The rest felt rushed. I hated the scene where Irina died reaching for The Horizon - that seemed lame. But I loved Irina right up until the end; I believe her love for Sydney was real, but she was a character devoted to something more. Sloan's ending was fine...I guess. But it means that Sydney didn't really get to stop Sloan or Irina. She didn't really get to do anything, but save Marshall & Rachel. There was a lot that I would have changed. And I didn't like the end with Syd's daughter & stuff - I would have preferred to see the Vaugh/Syd wedding on the beach. In the end, I think ALIAS began as something spectacular; the first 2 seasons are incredible. The 3rd-5th seasons fuck that up, but with enough great moments along the way to allow them to be watchable, and at times recreate the magic of the first 2 seasons...but never for long. I'm glad the show ended. And I enjoyed watching it, but I don't think I'll really miss it. Buffy was similar in that the first 5 seasons were amazing, and I think that while season 6 & 7 were good, they weren't up to par with the rest of the show, and I was glad that they ended, as well, though they held it together so much better than ALIAS. Angel & Firefly didn't have a chance to reach their full potential. JLU ended with a lot of life left in it. Enough. I'm hungry.

A friend of mine, who will remain nameless at their request, tried to kill themselves last week. Thankfully they failed. Years ago I would have freaked out about this, but it just seems like old hat now. I don't mean that it doesn't bother me, but I would have been...I don't know...but it seems less dramatic now, even though it isn't...if that makes any sense?

I'm picking up Mollie around 3pm to go to the viewing (Karen's mom). At 4pm that ends, and we're going to see how Karen feels about getting some food. Then at 6pm I'm picking up Mark and taking him to the other viewing. Tomorrow morning I go to the funeral alone. I work on Friday. Saturday I'm hopefully visiting with Linda, and Marcus might be visiting this weekend. Sunday I close the store. Monday I'll probably work, and Tuesday I'm seeing X3 with Karen, Mollie, & DJ - before Buffy Board Gaming it with them, and Mark. We'll see how all this goes.

And pictures, pictures, pictures!!!

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:26 PM
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   Thursday, May 25, 2006

I woke up late, but with enough time to eat, shave & shower before picking up Mollie for the funeral. Only thing was that Karen called asking me to pick up Adam Gram, because there was a special showing for the family, and Adam wasn't ready to go. I said sure, and skipped my shower so I could get Adam & Mollie to the funeral parlor on time. After the service at the funeral home, I drove Adam Gram, Adam Hess and Mollie to the cemetary in the funeral procession. The services at the home & the cemetary were very short, and nice. I gave Rocky a hug at the home, and she said she liked the way I smelled. lol

After the cemetery we went to the Best Western for food. I drove Adam Gram & Karen back to her apartment, and dropped Adam & Mollie off at his car at Red Lobster, before heading home, laying down for a half hour; showering, and cleaning my room. Then I had to pick Mark up. He called and asked if I could bring him a gatorade and I said sure. He said we had to stop at the storage unit (which I hate) and I said that was fine. My room was mostly clean, and all I wanted to do was lay down and read - and maybe sleep.

A storm was coming in as I drove to pick up Mark. On the way home from the storage unit (which Mark didn't even notice that I didn't complain about visiting), Mark asked if I could help him with the order he got, and box up some bracelets, which I started to do, but then thought I might mess up, so I stopped. I should have explained this to him, and it probably would have been super easy, but I was so very tired, and I didn't want to be in the car, and as far as I knew there was no hurry to box them up, so I said no. He boxed them up himself as he drove (which was pretty dangerous, actually), and then told me: "Thanks for the help.". I wanted to say: "Thanks for the sarcasm.", but I didn't. I asked him why we couldn't have done it when we got home, but he said it didn't matter. So when he asked me why I couldn't do it, I said that it didn't matter. We got home just before it started to rain.

I was eating in my room, while reading. I've been trying to find time all week to just relax and read, and this was it. Mark opened my door and asked me what was on the floor by the trashcan, and I told him I didn't know. He asked me if I could come and look at it, and I told him I was eating, and he said "so!", and I said, so I'll look at it when I'm done, which seemed to piss him off even more. I was trying to not get upset because when I get upset then I can't eat - and if I have just eaten, it throwup. I managed to finish eating and finish a chapter while I did it. I went downstairs, and though Mark had the tv on, he was sitting on our home gym just staring at this stuff in front of the trash can. I looked at it, and touched it but had no idea what it was. I told him so, and I headed back to my room. He asked me if I was going to clean it up. I asked why I should be the one to clean it up, and he said because I was the one who did this.

Ok...so I have no memory of this happening, and my memory is pretty good. Mark doesn't have any memory of this happening and his memory is horrible. But I didn't tell him that he had to clean it up, because he had done it. And I didn't even say that I wouldn't do it; I only asked why he seemed to think that I had to. Now, after I got to my room, I remembered that earlier when I had taken the trash out (another thing he didn't even thank me for), that the bag that he had removed from the can had a tear in it, which is why I bagged that one in the trash bag from my room. I'm guessing that the stuff on the floor (which Mark says is probably cookie dough) was accidentally spilled by Mark when he removed the bag from the can and it tore. I'm sure he didn't do it on purpose, and I'm not jumping on him asking him when he's gonna clean up his mess. I was in fact planning on cleaning this up when Mark left the livingroom. I know it's weird, but I don't like to clean when other people are around (which he knows, or he used to know - who knows what things he remembers day to day?) - but he hasn't left the livingroom. In fact, as I lay down to read, he was watching lost, with the tv blaring so loud that I could hear every word that was spoken by the characters upstairs, with my door closed. When I asked him if he could please turn it down, he refused, saying that if I could clean up the mess when I was ready, that he could turn down the tv when he was ready. I yelled then, something brief, about making some noise, but I didn't actually do it. That's stupid, and pointless, and would just escalate the whole thing, when all I want to do is read. That's all I wanted. And I can't with all that noise.

Let's say, for a moment, that I did somehow create this mess on the floor. Why couldn't he clean it up? I took out the trash. Even the bathroom trash, which is usually filled with snot rags. He has this sinus condition or something and he's constantly blowing his nose on toilet tissue and throwing it in the trash. And when he misses, which he often does, I pick up these tissues and throw them away. I've never called him on it, or tried to humiliate him into taking care of it, because it's not that big of a deal, and after everything we've been through it just seems petty, and stupid. I guess he doesn't feel that way.

I'm going out. Maybe when I get home he'll be asleep, or in a better mood, or something. I just don't want to argue with him, or listen to him whine, or bitch, or whatever. And I don't want to listen to the tv, reminding me that I cleaned my room so I could relax and read, but now can't because Mark feels like being bitchy. I just want some quiet. I wish I was a student so I could go to the library and read. Maybe I could read in the car? But I could stop by Aut Bar first to see if Robert or anyone is there. I'm really tired though. erg. This sucks.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:13 PM
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   Friday, May 26, 2006

So I went to the Aut Bar last night. I hadn't planned on going. All I wanted to do last night was read my geeky Star Trek book, and enjoy my newly cleaned room, but Mark wouldn't turn down the tv, and I refused to just lay there to be reminded constantly of what I wanted but couldn't have. I went to Aut Bar. I talked with Matt; he amused me, when I probably would've bolted out the door if he hadn't been there. I had worn my hat, leather jacket, and glasses inside, and it was really warm so I put them in the car. On the way out to the car, I noticed a boy I knew named Jeremy sitting at the end of the bar. I told him I'd be right back...and then I was.

Jeremy & I met years ago at an Out Fest, and there was this amazing attraction between us that we both acknowledged... We also both acknowledged his boyfriend who was glaring at me. It was almost painful, this known attraction that couldn't be acted upon. I talked to him and Matt for most of the night, and I started to really have fun, and I was almost grateful that Mark had all but forced me out of the condo; Jeremy & I have seen each other a few times over the years, but I hadn't seen him in forever, and I was glad that I got to see him now.

Jeremy & his boyfriend now have an open relationship (the boyfriend is all asexual now, while Jeremy is not - something I can relate to); it's only been opened for a matter of weeks. I don't get turned on by open relationships because I like to date the boys I like, but I didn't want to stop talking to him, despite the fact that I was super tired. I had him over.

He was really impressed with my GLBT movie collection. He liked my mashups, my fan art collection, and my webpage. He called his boyfriend to let him know he was staying at my place. We talked and talked and talked some more; learning we had far more in common than we expected too. Things were getting very intimate, and eventually the attraction stirred, and I allowed it to happen. I just...I've wanted him for so long, and there he was, and I was really comfortable with him, just cuddling. Everything about it was perfect, and I just allowed myself that pleasure. It was really special for me, and for him too. Without going into detail, the whole night was us giving each other things we both needed, and wanted. I'm very grateful for the entire experience. Afterwards we showered, and cuddled and slept. I dreamt we lived in London. His alarm woke us up, and we said goodbye shortly thereafter...

My stomach was a little upset, and I didn't hear Mark get up for work, so I figured I'd be driving him. Mark got up on his own, but my stomach was really upset now, and I didn't feel like driving him; he said he'd see me at lunch time. My stomach cramps passed. I asked Mark if I'd kept him up at all last night, and he said no, and asked me what I'd been doing, and I told him about Jeremy. Mark asked me later if I slept with Jeremy just to lash out at him, which I thought was weird. How would me sleeping with Jeremy, or any guy hurt Mark? It doesn't make any sense. We've been seperated for 6 years, and in that time I've slept with several men, and it was never about wanting to make Mark mad or jealous or whatever; I don't think I could sleep with anyone soley based on that kind of shit. And while my going out was directly related to Mark's drama, it had nothing to do with what I did once I was out & about; I didn't even think about it after awhile, and well before I noticed Jeremy. I hope Mark isn't too upset, but if he is, I'm still not sure what it's about.

I work today. I have tomorrow off, which I was hoping to share with my friend Linda who suggested we might hang out, but she hasn't e-mailed me back, and Mark needs the car to visit his mother & brother, and nephew. I don't want to deprive him of that visit. I think I'm just gonna tell him to go. If Linda wants to visit at the last minute she can come here. It's just not cool to make Mark wait around for an answer despite the supposed importance of this visit. It is important...but so is Mark.

I'm going to get some more sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:14 AM
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