Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Grumble. I can't update my webpage, or work on my artwork, or scan any pictures, or do anything online in a timely fashion. I'm really not happy about that. It's fricking hot outside, and I don't really have anyplace to go. Most of my friends are at work, and I don't want to bother them. This sucks.

I watched the director's cut of "Donnie Darko" last night. I'd never seen that version, and while it was basically the same movie, and the little additions were kind of cool, I think I prefer the original release. That's the one I fell in love with anyways. It's weird because I really did like a lot of the stuff put back into the film, but the way they switched the music around really bothered me. I'm big on movie scores and soundtracks, and when there are alterations it bugs me. While I prefer the Extended Cuts of the Lord of the Rings films (indeed I don't intend to ever see the theatrical version again if I can help it), there's a scene in "Fellowship of the Ring", in which the score was altered that really bothers me everytime I see it, because I'd seen that film multiple times before the extended cut was even announced - and I had an emotional attachment to the scene in question. I'm wacky, and I know this.

I slept some last night, and I woke up around the same time as Mark this morning, and we had a really good morning, even though it was just us chatting and then driving him to work. I'm gonna try to get some of that back. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:09 PM
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I finished reading "Magic's Promise", which was better than I remembered it being. It was always my least favorite part of that trilogy when I was younger. I don't think I've read them since I read the other Valdemar/Velgarth books and I'm surprised to see just how well they fit in with the others in the series. I may continue rereading them after I finish the final Heral-Mage volume, "Magic's Price, if only because I want to see how they fit together now that I'm more aware of them.

I had some fennel tea, some bacon, and later some soup, while I read. I got a message that someone named Jeremy wanted to friend me on myspace, and figured that it must be my Jeremy, only it wasn't; it was this Jeremy. I also got new comments from Michelle Tower and Jason Brooks. Myspace is fun.

I slept for awhile. I've been sleeping around 3:30pm, and I think it's going to suck trying to work around that time tomorrow. I was terribly late picking up Mark from work, and we went to Best Buy to get blank DVDS and things, but I cut that short, as my stomach was getting really upset; mostly I think, do to lack of sleep, and some small amount of stress. But I'm not complaining, as my stomch has been on very good behavior the last few days; even weeks, considering how it was before then. And even the cramping I had today, passed fairly quickly.

A side not on Mark. Mark either forgets what I've just said, or doesn't listen, or something. It's continuous, and it's beyond annoying; it hurts. It's like I'm alone, even when I'm not. We have good moments, and he's very dear to me, and is in many ways, my best friend...but I'll tell him something important, and then 5 minutes later he'll either tell me I never told him that or tell me the thing I told him like it's news! It's just a little disconcerting is all. And I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does.

I'm home now, obviously. I got my quarterly kickback from Amazon ($29.00) and used it to preorder "Noah's Arc". I also ordered a used copy of "Eighteen", and preordered "Dante's Cove" & "Adam & Steve". I ended up spending about $50.00. More than I've spent on movies in months. That will bring me to 589 GLBT inclusive titles, and gives me some peace of mind.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:31 PM
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   Wednesday, August 2, 2006

I slept for a few hours, and when I woke up Mark installed adobie photo shop on my computer. It's a newer version than I'm used to, and it annoys me. I'm sure it's better in many ways, but it sucks to have to learn all this new shit, when really, I just want to get the thoughts & feelings in my head out out to my webpage where they can't hurt me, and won't be forgotten.

Mark went to bed, and I stroked off; apparently missing an IM from Bryan on myspace. But I really needed that. There are things going on with me right now, that I haven't posted here, and this was so beyond needed. lol ;-0)

Something I didn't mention in my last post was that I called Jeremy from Best Buy, only Kim answered the phone, and we had a short happy conversation. I talked to them both for a little bit; they were eating at the Aut Bar. It was nothing important, I guess, but I just noticed that I forgot to mention it before.

I had a snack, and read my e-mail and myspace stuff. I tried out some new computer stuff. The amount of data you can fit on a dvd is AMAZING!!! ;-0) Now if only I had a scanner & 800 hours of free time I might be able to fill one of these discs.

I started reading "Magic's Price", which is just as I remembered it. I was thinking that the next books would be the Tarma & Kethry series, but I had forgotten about "Brightly Burning", which I've only read once before, and didn't like very much. I think I might like it more reading it a second time, as my expectations will be very different. We'll see. I'm not sure I'll even read that right away; I might read something else before I jump into that. I'm not sure.

I should take my meds, eat, and read. And make sure stuff is ready for work. I work 1-5:30. I have to drive Mark to work around 9am, and pick him up around 6pm.

Ugh. I wish my monsters would just go away.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:20 AM
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It's been over a month since Jeremy spent the night. Why do these kinds of things get stuck in my head? Anyways, and I know this is stupid, but I just realized that I'm single. Not just a little single, but completely single, if that makes any sense. I guess I hoped that I'd still spend as much time with him as I did before. That we'd still go out, and he show me where he grew up, and I'd take him to Benny's for the best doughnuts in the world, and then walk him up the street to the old boarded up Clark Station where I met Jeff. And we'd watch all the movies he's never seen. But that's all just stupid I guess. I'm not depressed about this, is the thing; it's just a realization that anyone else probably would have understood right away...only I didn't. I was in shock, I guess. And even now I hope I'm wrong.

I don't know what I'm feeling.

Tomorrow, Jennifer, my ex-gf, and longtime friend (10 years & running), will be 32. I want to see her, and wish her a Happy Birthday, but I have no way of getting in touch with her or even knowing where to find her. That sucks. That really sucks...

I've been having interesting dreams lately. I know this when I wake up, but then I soon forget what they're about.

I keep thinking I should organize something for my birthday, but I don't know if I'm up to the task. It was easy to plan something for Mark (though the SURPRISE part was HELL), just like it was easy for me to get Jeremy his gifts...I've only thrown one part though, and it rocked. I've never planned a party for myself, and I'm running out of time. I doubt that many of my friends could make it anyways.

BLAH!

I feel like certain parts of my life, which felt wonderful, are quickly becoming nightmarish. Even when the sun shines and the people smile, and I smile back...there's something dying beneath the surface...something that may never be resurrected. And it scares me.

Yeah. I'm not depressed at all. lol.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:28 AM
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   Thursday, August 3, 2006

Happy Birthday Jennifer!!!!

Mark & I went to Meijer yesterday morning, before I took him to work. I got new batteries & film for my camera. I got a photobox to store more of my pictures in, until I can scan the damned things. I got dryer sheets. What else? I have no clue.

After dropping Mark off at work, I went home and did more laundry. It's still really hot outside, so I made sure I was extra hydrated before work. I watched an episode of Smallville (I'm slowly working through Season 5; I don't feel as rushed now that I'm not renting the dvds). And I got ready fairly quickly. I didn't shave. I haven't shaved since Sunday, I think.

Work was mostly dead, again. There wasn't a whole lot to do. There were some annoying people there, but there was also at least 2 fabulous people as well. I ate a great lunch, and watched "Metrosexuality" on my break as I didn't want to think about anything, and it always amuses me. But now I have that "In Your Eyes There Is God" song stuck in my head. Actually, I think I'll listen to that now. ;-0)

After work, I picked up Mark from work, talked to my sister Janice on the phone, and then got us home so I could go to bed. I woke up around 1:20am. I started working on my DCAU Chronology Project again, (so that I can one day burn them in the proper order) then took another nap. I answered some e-mail, and myspace messages.

Mark had our friend Chris order a copy of Microsoft Frontpage, which is what I edit my webpage with. That's nice, but I have no clue how long that takes and I need it now. I would describe my inability to work on my webpage as painful. And more good news: we won't have DSL for 6 to 11 days!?! What the fuck!?! I just want to scream. I'm spoiled. I know this. But these are things that I rely on for my peace of mind.

I have to get Mark to work in about an hour. Then I have no plans. There's this shirt I saw at Meijer yesterday morning that I want. It's green, or many shades of green. I told Mark that I wanted it, and he asked if I wanted it so I could look like Jeremy, which seemed odd. I just...I want some more color in my wardrobe. It's not like I want to throw out all my old clothes, but it's so rare for me to see a piece of clothing that I want that isn't black, or shiny vinyl! And I want blue jeans. I've wanted blue jeans for years, and I never buy them. And I need new tennis shoes; I haven't gotten a new pair in 8 years, and it shows. So, I think I'm going to use my next few infusions of cash on clothing, if I can.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:48 AM
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I got Mark up earlier than he's been getting up, and we showered together. As we got dressed, I realized that I didn't have my wallet, and that I probably left it at his office yesterday, so Mark drove us to his work. He said it was uncomfortable, but there was no sharp pain to distract him from driving. So this is great, as I don't have to drive Mark around anymore ;-0) I got my wallet, and left him at work.

I went to Meijer to see about that shirt. It was $36.00. I don't have cash to spend right now; not really. I'm afraid I'll have to do without it... :-0(

When I got home, I ate, and watched an episode of Batman. Then I read my mail; updated some yahoo group settings and wrote this. I should clean my room a bit.

I was thinking earlier, that even though I love my new computer; maybe Mark could hook up my old one until I have th webpage stuff I need (assuming he hasn't dumped everything from that one) - that way I could get some work done on my webpage. I'll run that by him later.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:32 AM
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   Friday, August 4, 2006

I cleaned my room yesterday. I'm not sure what else I did? lol I'm a bit spacey right now. I saw that my sister Janice, had called me Wednesday night, and not left a message so I tried calling her in the morning, but her phone was busy. I tried calling her around 6pm, but her phone was busy. I called more than twice; probably around 6 times, but it was always busy.

I started getting another migrain. Migrains are often caused by changes in the weather, so from really hot, to cool, like yesterday. I took 3 midrin over the course of 2 hours, and I was thinking that Mark worked until 5:30, so I tried to get there at that time, but got stuck in some horrible traffic and didn't get there until 5:45. Then Mark didn't get off at 5:30, but at 6pm, which is when he gets off every work day, but I was thrown. lol

We went to CompUSA, and Best Buy. We bought some CDs (with a gift certificate) at Best Buy, plus I got "Clue" & "Wet Hot American Summer" for super cheap. We went to the Saline/Ann Arbor Meijer to get buns, soup, & Mark got some chips and stuff. I had someone call Karen on her work phone but she was on her break, and she didn't respond when paged. I was also hoping that Yvette Tower would be there as it was after 7pm when we were leaving, but she didn't appear to be.

When we got home, I finally got through to Janice and she told me that Grandma Wright had called her and she now had Dad's address. I wrote that down, got driving directions and went to find him, with 3 bags of clothes that he left in my care, while he was in the hospital. He apparently got out of the hospital in April or May. I found his place without any trouble, but never got into his apartment as dad wandted to go to Abe's for some coffee (my treat). He was happy to see me, but he was so thin that his clothes were just hanging from him, and he looked really bad. It kind of freaked me out. I was really tired, as I've been going to bed around 7pm, and it was already around 9pm. I told him I needed to go as I had to go to sleep, and he walked me to my car, as he told me that he wanted to stay at Abe's for awhile (he's famous there; he's been hanging there for years, and everybody who works there or is there on a regular basis knows him by name!).

After he left, I called Janice and told her about the visit and that I'd set up a meeting for us all on August 18. We usually get together sometime around that time, as my birthday is August 12, and Janice & our father's birthday is August 23.

I was shaking after the phonecall with Janice, and crying a little bit, when the phone rang again. It was Jeremy. I had called him earlier to let him know I'd be in Ypsi, meeting my dad, and I had asked him to call. I called him later from Abe's, when I couldn't think of anything to say to my dad. After the call with Janice, I had called Mollie, because I was going to go right passed her apartment, and I thought I might be able to get "Breakfast on Pluto" back from her, and get a hug, as I really needed one, but she didn't answer, and was most likely at work, or asleep.

So when Jeremy called, he asked me if I had gone to see my dad, and my voice was kind of shakey. I told him I wasn't ok, and how my father looked, and I asked him where he was, as I was going to see if he could give me a hug, but he was on his way to Brighton to meet some friends from cosmetology school. He asked me where I was though, and asked if I could maybe meet him at Geddes and 23, and I said sure. We agreed to meet at Concordia University, right off of the express way. I got there about 10 minutes before him.

When he arrived, he parked a space away from me and gave me a big hug. I wasn't crying anymore but I was shaking. He smelled really good, and I told him so. He looked really good too. We talked about my dad, and he told me that when he heard my message on his voicemail that I sounded so sad that he said he had to call me back right away. That's what friends are for. I told him that I missed him, and that I was really very selfish because I want to see him all the time, and he said he's the same way. But he's really busy with WRAP; lots of political bullshit going on there. Plus he's really broke, so he's been working at the salon a lot! I told him that I miss him, and that the other day I really felt single for the first time, and that I also realized it had been over a month since he'd spent the night. He told me we'd have to correct that. We kissed. And then the cops showed up. For those who don't know, Concordia is a Christian campus.

We got in our cars, and went our separate ways, while we talked on the phone. I asked him about something he said while we were dating - that we didn't have to rush getting to know each other and sharing things because we'd have many, many days like that to come, and I asked hims if he still meant that, even now, and he said that he did. He asked me what my schedule was like next week, and I headed to work to see what it was like, as it wasn't posted when I was there last. He said that he felt like we were still going through the process of figuring out our relationship; and I said that's how I felt too, but that not talking to each other wouldn't help that process. Communication is key. I asked him where he thought we stood, and he said that we were both trying to be very respectful of each others feelings, and going trying to be friends directly after dating, and we were mostly getting that right, except that we both still really cared about each other, the way we did when we were together. I told him, I agreed with all of that, and we started talking about our friendship/relationship, and I meant what I was saying, but I was still spacey from lack of sleep, the midrin, and the surreal experience with my father. I had made it to Hollywood, but the schedule still wasn't posted, which isn't unusual. About that time, Jeremy missed his exit, and told me that he needed to go get directions before he got even more lost, but that he'd call me right back.

Nate & Kyle were working, and it was nearly 11pm. Pat was working earlier but had to leave. He's very, very sick, and he understandably, usually can't finish his shifts. There were like a million returns on the counter, so I started putting them in order, and then started putting them away. On my 5th stack, Nate had me punch in. Mark called me, when I was nearly finished with the returns, and I told him what had gone on. When I finished the returns (which Kyle & Nate had a chance to help me with every once in a while), I headed out, with much gratitude from Nate & Kyle; the latter thanking me like a dozen times.

When I got home and still hadn't heard back from Jeremy, I got ready for bed, and called him to make sure he was ok. He had apparently found the bar he was meeting his friends at just after he'd hung up on me, and with that shock, followed by the joyous reunion with his friends, he had forgotten to call me back. I told him that was fine, but he insisted that I was "unforgettable" and that he wanted to do something with me next week. And when I told him I was just calling to make sure he was ok, and I wasn't mad that he hadn't called me back - just worried about him, he said that I was the sweetest thing ever. He sounded like he'd already had a couple of drinks, and I told him goodbye.

It felt really warm in my room. I know I slept some, but I tossed and turned. I got up around 1:30am, and checked my e-mail, and wrote this. I'll probably take a shower, to helpe me cool down, and hopefully get back to sleep soon after. I work today, 1-5:30pm. I have Saturday off and I close the store on Sunday. That's all I know for now. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:22 AM
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I couldn't get back to sleep; I had restless legs. Apparently, many people in my family have them as well. I did get to sleep around 7:30am, but was woken by the phone (I forgot to shut the ringer off); it was Mollie calling me back, and I didn't mind waking up at all, as the very brief nap made me feel a lot better, and I knew that Mark would be driving himself to work today, so I could get back to sleep soon. Only Mark is running horribly late now, and I have to drive him - meaning I won't be getting any sleep. This sucks. I hate that my days are so easily ruined. I'm gonna rebel. That is, I'm going to try to not let it ruin my day. Perhaps it won't make my acid reflux keep me from enjoying food, or any other activity. Erg.

Who am I kidding?

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:13 AM
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   Saturday, August 5, 2006

A few revelations:

Pet Shop Boys released a new studio cd this year, and another cd of remixes; fabulous. Now I've got their new song "The Sodom & Gomorrah Show" stuck in my head, which is actually fun.

School. I'm not going to school this Summer/Fall. It just seems like every other week there's some new physical problem going on with me. My acid reflux has been pretty calm lately, but even calm it's still disruptive. My migrains, which had setteled down to 1 or 2 a year for about a decade or so, have been getting much worse over the last 2 years, and have been hitting me really hard lately. I have this surgical thing at the end of the month. I just think that if I was in school right now, that I'd be missing so much of it that it would be pointless. So that's on the back burner again, which doesn't bother me as much as it would if I'd already started it.

My Birthday Party. I don't think it's going to happen on my birthday. I want more time to plan the thing, like I planned last year's party for Mark. And it would help if I had some cash.

Apparently, my account is overdrawn. And because 4 payments were honored by my bank, they're charging me $33.00 per payment; that's $132.00. Why didn't they just NOT pay for the things I couldn't afford? That about kills the check I was going to use for the party, and leaves me mostly broke.

I had to cancel the Amazon orders I placed last week :-(

The non-birthday party, PARTY. I don't think it will take that much cash to throw the kind of party I'm thinking of. I might even push it back to September. I'm thinking of having a party to celebrate the summer. I'd just have to get snacks and drinks. I would like to buy 3 disposable flash cameras, and have everyone take lots of pictures, that I could develope later ;-0)

But there might be a much smaller gathering on my birthday. Amber Hatt will be back in Michigan on Friday, and she said she'd love to come see me on Saturday. I'll probably be seeing Jeremy that day (though that's not a sure thing), and Carrie said she'd be up for anything I had planned. And Mark will be here of course. Mark said he'd pay for the snacks & booze for the actual party. I've got tons to think about and plan and decide.

But mostly I just want to clean my room, jack off, and shave my head. Then groove to the new PSB music, and dance naked in my room. Is that asking too much? ;-0)

I'm all smiley now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:27 PM
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