Sunday, April 27, 2008

I was tired and ready for bed at 10pm. But I couldn't sleep. I ended up surfing the web, and collecting Doctor Who extras. Later I watched old videos of my family, and then some from my 32nd birthday party, with clips of so many of my friends. There was a clip of Jeremy & I kissing; Bryan displaying his cute ass; all my friends having a good time, and just chatting...Jennifer & I feeding each other birthday cake... It all made me smile.

I took another of my stomach pills last night. 2 nights in a row; watch me go. Some of the side effects seem muted this go round; others that I haven't experienced in awhile, like sleeplessness have returned with a vengence.

I so need to try to sleep though.

And so I shall.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:08 AM
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So I did sleep for a few hours.

But then something odd happened...

When people leave comments on my blog, the message is texted to my phone. I don't shut that tone on my phone off because it never wakes me; it's extremely quiet and uneventful. Only the last person to leave a message woke me up. In my dream, the noise was extremely loud...and when I woke up it took me a minute, but as I was going back to sleep, I remembered what woke me, and saw my phone was blinking...and there were new comments from Mollie (who didn't wake me up, so don't feel bad) and and an old friend of mine who I haven't heard from in over 3 years.

Her name is Darla. We met at a showing of the Rocky Horror Picture Show in October of 1994 in Ann Arbor, Michigan. We didn't hang out after the movie or anything; it was just a random meeting. At least until we randomly met again a few months later at City Club in Detroit. That's when the fun really began.

Darla was gorgeous. Darla was fierce and cruel and funny and witty. We traded barbs for a few minutes and knew we were going to be friends. And we were great friends for nearly a decade, but then we had a falling out. I didn't visit her in the hospital, and then I missed a birthday party. She lashed out at me. I lashed out at her. And we stopped speaking. And just like that it was over.

There have been many times when I've missed Darla. And there have been many times that I've been grateful that our friendship ended. One of the things that always convinced me that we were really good friends, was that our friendship was never easy. It always took an effort to maintain. We were such frail (if beautiful *WINK*) creatures... And sometimes it was painful.

I don't know what our new messages will mean. I don't know that they mean anything at all...but I think they must. I just don't know what. I've always been grateful for having known her. She was a very important part of my life for nearly 10 years and that's not something that can be pushed under a rug, no mattter how it all came crashing down...

And I am very grateful that I got to know her, and experience her. I have many fantastic memories that only she could have provided. I'm glad she's still out there, living her life. I hope that she's healthy and happy and that she's grown and changed. And I was happy to hear from her.

But she scares me a little bit too. Someone who could mean so much to you one day and then renounce your friendship the next over anything less than violent crime...that could just toss it all away...is someone to be feared, or maybe pitied...most likely both.

I've made a concious effort to become friends with people who are hopefully not as Darla used to be, and perhaps still is. I like knowing that I don't have to tense up every time I stick my foot in my mouth, as I'm rather clumsy and tension is not a friend...tension and stress can kill you far more painfully and slowly than a razor blade.

When our friendship was declared dead, I tried sending her a toy of a Tim Burton character named Voodoo Girl. I'd given her a poetry book featuring that character years before, as the words all applied to her so lyrically. I didn't know if she ever got it or not. I still don't. I wasn't sure I had her new address; I'd never been there. And I sent it anonomously; afraid of being rejected outright, I suppose. And then when I didn't hear from her...I was sad because I didn't expect things to end that way...but I was relieved too. And that's not something I expected...or wanted to feel, I just did.

My friendship with Darla was never easy. And some of that was very rewarding. For a long time, I was the one that Darla would let in, when she pushed everyone else away, and it felt good to be that person. But it also meant that I kept part of myself locked away for fear of pissing her off to any degree that would damage our cherished tenuous link. And when that happened regardless of how I'd struggled, I was set free. And part of me was pissed off that I'd held back at all, while part of me was proud that I had. Another part of me was disgusted that I'd invested so much time into someone who could then say I wasn't her friend. And still another part of me was saddened that everything we'd built was coming to an end. But then it was really over and I found that most of me was joyous...because she wasn't my responsability any more. I truly cared for her...I did, but trying to take care of Darla seemed to cost so much more than any other friend even dared to ask or require. It was often wondrous, but so taxing that after the fact, it amazed me that I'd held on so long. I've known others and met still more that have experienced the same thing.

But I never stopped caring about her. It just took on a new, less risky form. I'd think about her. A kind of prayer I guess, though I don't believe in such things. I'd worry about her... Wonder about her... Dream about her. Not knowing what was happening to her kind of sucked, but it was safe.

I found her on myspace a while back, and considered friending her, but when I read her latest blog entry, and it was about how so and so wasn't her friend anymore. Maybe the guy did something really horrible. I don't think I read any further. It brought up too much...stuff.

I'm writing all this out, because I haven't thought about it so clearly before. Her message meant a lot to me. I think about her. I talk to new and old friends about her. I like to think that she's happy and taking care of herself and the ones that she loves. I wonder how she's changed... I wonder how it would be if we randomly crossed paths. I wonder if insults would be traded...or if we'd just say hello and then move on, with those around us wondering what all the fuss was about. I imagine us hugging. And being a little sad. And continuing on our separate ways. But maybe I'm wrong. It wouldn't be the first time.

More sleep is required.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:11 AM
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I just woke up again. I feel more rested now than I did the last time, though I know I didn't really sleep much more than before. I dreamt that I drove Jennifer & Tracey somewhere, and that I had to go pick up Darla. I used to have this dream a lot. Darla lives (in my dreams) in this rickety old apartment building, which would be right at home in The Lorax, if it was infested with criminals & pirate treasure. I know it's weird, but my brain is strange. Later I ended up in the past, at a Star Trek convention with my friend Carrie, and we were retracing the steps of our friend Mollie after her death...with a time machine of some kind...it was so weird. We found that Mollie secretly loved Star Trek, and were sad that she didn't tell us. Carrie confessed her love of Buffy and we cried. lol

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:43 PM
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I have 101 pages left in my book. I'd like to be reading at least 1 book a week, which I don't think is too much to ask of myself. I have about 80 Star Trek books I'd like to read in next 12 months, though I might skip the ones I've read in the past, until after I've read all the new ones. 80 books sounds like a lot, and it is, but compared to what I started with a year and a half ago it's not that daunting. And it's not like reading the books is a chore; just the opposite. I'd just like to read some of the newer titles as they come out, but I don't want to skip the ones they're grounded on, you know? So...that's why I'm trying to read all these books now - so that I can enjoy the new ones as they're released later on. It also feels good reading so many books that I bought so long ago; it feels like I'm justifying the money I put into them.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:38 PM
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Ok. Now that I've taken a few doses I'm officially in zombie mode. It's not as all consuming as it is when I'm suffering withdrawls, but it's there. It's not unpleasant...it's just makes everything seem slightly less real, which is actually kind of the point. The stomach part of me doesn't feel real, so it doesn't hurt. But the rest of me doesn't feel real either, which might take some getting used to. This doesn't help with the food coming back up though, which is why I'm hoping for some help from my appointment on the 29th of May. It just makes me not care as much about that, and makes the other parts less painful.

Mark visited me in my room a bit ago, and we talked about a lot of stuff. Dreams. Hellraiser movies. Horror movies in general, and my love of them when I was a child. My old shrink. Darla's message, and my response.

About Darla, Mark said he liked what I wrote and hoped that it would provide us both with more closure than we had... That if we never spoke again, that at least we had this. I'm not sure how I feel about that...but I felt good about everything I said. And I felt my messages while being truthful were also rather restrained, and I'm good with that. I don't want to rip everything open and watch it bleed to death...I just want to move on.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:22 PM
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   Monday, April 28, 2008

Just woke up a little while ago. I forgot to take my stomach meds before I fell asleep, so I'm wondering if I should take one now, though it isn't time for bed? I need to take my prilosec first anyway. We'll see. Maybe I'll take a nap later with the meds and see how that goes?

I just found this amazing interview with Guillermo del Toro in which he explains some things that have confirmed for me that he'll most likely be an amazing director on this project - or if not - that he will do his best, and that no one could have done a better job. The things he says about continuity with the previous films is very important to me, and he mentiones the incluse of Sir Ian as Gandalf and Andy Serkis as Gollum, which seem like essential ingrediants to me! Plus, won't it be a special treat to spend time with Gandalf the Grey again!?! :-0)

I'll most likely finish my book today. I have a pretty good idea of what I'm reading next, but I never actually know until I start reading it...

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:05 PM
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Time is flying by today. I can't believe it. It's like...I blinked and now it's 6 hours later.

I watched the new Desperate Housewives, and the new Brothers and Sisters. I finished my book. I had a snack, which didn't go very well. I so need that other perscription. I'm so sick of this crap. It's not painful. But it kind of makes me want to hide away. I mean...it's gross and who wants people to see that?

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:17 PM
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   Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Just woke from dreams in which my little sister wasn't a bitch. My grandmother watched Jamie and I play under this willow tree in the backyard; and I threw things at the birds living in the upper limbs as I found it disturbing that the tree was holding up so many different birds; they were monstrous. There was something about invasion...or was it about robots? Later, Jamie surprised me by reading one of my books, and I lived with her in my parents' home. My step-father also read one of my books. My mother was trying to ignore me, which my grandmother wordlessly acknowledged. There was an oddly constructed fridge with oddly flavored sodas. There was also a Trek movie involving Q seducing Kira and Jadzia Dax in a very large bathtub with all the trimmings...with Kira drinking dish soap and getting extremely drunk, and Jadzie blowing bubble bath bubbles out her ass.

This is what happens when I don't take my stomach meds and I begin to come away from them. lol And somehow...waking up with "One Night in Bangkok" stuck in my head, and stumbling over the lyrics "gonna be the witness to the ultimate test of cerebral fitness" just isn't very reassuring.

My dad got me that song on tape when it was popular in the mid-eighties. The wikipedia page says there was a new version in 2005, but I never heard it.

I should take that stuff right now.

"I'd let you watch,
I would invite you
But the queens we use
would not excit you...
So you better go back to your bars,
your temples,
your massage parlours..."

Maybe I should watch "Steam: The Turnkish Bath".

Oh. I started reading another Trek book before I fell asleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:44 AM
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I took my meds. Feeling slightly more sane and hydrated now. I got a new gift certificate from Amazon so I ordered a 50 pack of D9's. Also downloaded my pre-ordered special edition of Madonna's Hard Candy, which I'm listening to right now. Supposedly she changes her sound pretty constantly by it sounds to me like she's been playing the exact same thing since 'Music', which is ok, as she's good at it...though I sometimes wish for something a bit more revelatory as 'Ray of Light', but maybe that's asking too much of any one artist.

Upcoming Movies I Want To See:

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
The Dark Knight
Harry Potter VI
Hellboy II
Iron Man
The Mummy 3
The Other Boleyn Girl
Sex and the City
Speed Racer
Star Trek
The X-Files 2
X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Not thrilled about any of these really; not yet. But I want to see them all. Probably none of them in the theater.

This new Madonna's pretty good. Nothing spectacular, but it's not bad.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:19 AM
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I feel odd. Horny. Creative.

I rewatched "Boys Briefs 2"; a collection of 6 short gay themed films. I always remember this collection for a haunting piece about abuse and love called "Touch"; it's both disturbing and beautiful. The other films are rather varied. "Doors Cut Down" is fun. "Chicken" seems like the edge of a thought of an idea. "Backroom" grossed me out. "Breakfast?" was cute. "Take-Out" was oddly emotional. A nice collection of shorts really. Sometimes they all suck. If I watch this collection again...or I should say when I watch it again, I'll most likely skip "Chicken" & "Backroom". But the others are worth my time.

There's one song on Madonna's new cd which I like better than the rest, called "Devil Wouldn't Recognize You". I started from there and listened to other music, ending up with the score to "Brokeback Mountain". I get lost in music sometimes. For hours and hours I go from one thing to the next to the next...like I'm on this musical journey...all on my own. I run myself ragged.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:51 AM
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I had an interesting texting session with Jordan this morning. The rest of the morning went as planned. And later I got some sleep. I've been awake for several hours; they run together in my head. I don't feel like reading.

Something's going on...

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:29 PM
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   Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Jordan let me know that he was going to be at Aut Bar last night and asked if I'd meet him there, and I agreed. We had fun. Trent was there again, which was oddly charming. Jordan came home with me, and we spent the night together. We watched "Velvet Goldmine", and talked and stuff. We slept. We drove Mark to work in the morning and then I drove him to the Clarion hotel, where he's staying with Trent, as they're leaving for Florida in the morning. He'll be back sometime around the 7th, I think.

I went to Whole Foods on the way home. That's where I get my bottled water now. I went to the book store but there was no new Doctor Who magazine. When I got home, I checked my e-mail, and read some news online. It looks like this currently airing Doctor Who 2 parter, might in fact be a 3 parter, which I'd suspected before, but wasn't sure of. I'm still not sure, but I'm hearing rumblings, just as I did before "Utopia" aired. It would be nice if it was; it would break the pattern they've fallen into with the series. I do know for certain that Martha Jones is in all 3 episodes.

I just took my phone out, and there's a message from Jordan. I guess he left his phone charger here. I'll have to see how that's going to be solved; hopefully something painless, as I so need to sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:42 AM
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I took a nap. I have to pick up Mark at 6pm. Jordan's stopping by here around 7pm to get his phone charger.

Shawn Foreman posted a new blog today saying that "we" are going to give Grand Rapids another shot. I guess this means that he and Jonathan are back together. That's great news! But it would have been nice to have been kept in the loop. Last I heard Shawn had cut himself off from everybody...and Jonathan had sort of disappeared from my radar altogether. I'd left messages for both of them, but never got anything back...which sucked. But at least I know they're doing well now.

So, back to Doctor Who. If "The Doctor's Daughter" is the third segment of a 3 parter... And if "Midnight" is the beginning of the end of the season, that throws my whole idea for how the season plays out into some interesting directions. Thankfully, I think I've finally solved the season. It either plays out the way I'm listing it here, or a few minor corrections from this. But this has got to be pretty damned close (at least to my way of thinking):

01 Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang [Part VIII]
02 Invasion of the Bane
03 Sleeper
04 To the Last Man
05 Meat
06 Revenge of the Slitheen, Part I
07 Revenge of the Slitheen, Part II
08 Adam
09 Partners in Crime
10 Reset
11 The Fires of Pompeii
12 Dead Man Walking
13 Planet of the Ood
14 A Day in the Death
15 Eye of the Gorgon, Part I
16 Eye of the Gorgon, Part II
17 The Sontaran Stratagem [Part I]
18 The Poison Sky [Part II]
19 The Doctor's Daughter [Part III]
20 Something Borrowed
21 Warriors of Kudlak, Part I
22 Warriors of Kudlak, Part II
23 From Out of the Rain
24 The Unicorn and the Wasp
25 Adrift
26 Whatever Happened To Sarah Jane? Part I
27 Whatever Happened To Sarah Jane? Part II
28 Silence in the Library [Part I]
29 Forest of the Dead [Part II]
30 The Lost Boy, Part I
31 The Lost Boy, Part II
32 Fragments [Part I]
33 Exit Wounds [Part II]
34 Midnight [Part I]
35 Turn Left [Part II]
36 ??? [Part III]
37 Journey's End [Part IV]

If "Midnight" proves to not be Part I of a larger story, then it can be moved between "The Lost Boy, Part II" & "Fragments [Part I]". I'll know for sure in about 5 & 1/2 weeks.

+ there's the Christmas Special,
and a possible mini-episode.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:04 PM
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