Sunday, May 25, 2008

I felt better on Friday, and I made it to work. I didn't take my break though, as I was worried about eating and any consequences that could have. I worked with Bryan, DJ, John, Amanda, & Pat; it was good to see everyone; Tim from the Packard Road store dropped by. I dropped off a disc of Torchwood / Who episodes for Jean, who e-mailed me on Saturday, letting me know that she got it and how grateful she was.

After work on Friday, I picked up Mark. I read in the car while I waited for him. He went to Meijer but I stayed in the car and slept. When we got home, I read some more and slept, and read some more.

Early Saturday morning I got a call from Mollie and it was so nice chatting with her about our troubles and Doctor Who, Torchwood, BSG, DS9 & everything else. I was feeling a lot better. That changed later. My stomach, even on days where I'm mostly ok with it, is not remotely normal. And I knew fairly early in the day that attending the wedding of my friends, Michael & Emily, would be a mistake. I so wanted to go though, and every few minutes I'd change my mind and decide I'd risk going, only to have my body all but confirm that that wasn't the best of ideas. It sucked so bad, because I wanted to be there for my friends, and to share in the fellowship outside of work, with my coworkers / friends; including former co-workers that I just don't seee anymore...I actually cried about it. It was just a crappy reminder how bad things are, which I'm usually capable of ignoring. Only that wasn't happening this time.

I read more. I slept. I played a video game with Mark. I ate. My stomach rebelled. And the cycle continued.

I finished the book a few minutes ago. Fantastic book! It really explains a lot of the backstory for multiple DS9 plots! It also sets up multiple episodes of DS9 & The Next Generation, which I wasn't really expecting. And most impressivly, to me, it sets up a major plot point in the 'Garak Book', A Stitch In Time, that makes me really excited to read that book again!

I'm going to start reading the next chronological book in the series, which is the Lost Era novel "The Art of the Impossible" by KRAD, which I've been meaning to read for years! It details 'The Betreka Nebula Incident', which Garak mentioned on DS9 once. It's another novel that fills in loads of history, with continuity & characters galore, such as: Kang, Curzon Dax, Lwaxana Troi, Sergey Rozhenko, Helena Rozhenko, Ian Troi, Kor, K'mpec, Enabran Tain, General Worf, Koval, Legate Kell, Vance Haden, L'Kor, Kahlest, Sarek, Uhura, Rachel Garrett, Gi'ral, Tokath, Corbin Entek & K'tal! I'll also be reading another Lost Era novel, which is set in a gap within The Art of the Impossible, which is called 'The Well of Souls'; collectivly, these titles cover 2328-2346...and I hope to have these finished this week.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:07 AM
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   Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Work Sunday night was crazy; just as I expected. I've closed the store on Sunday night of Memorial Day Weekend for 6 years in a row, and there's never any extra people scheduled, and there's always a million people there, waiting in line the whole night through. But I worked with Bryan and Kim (until 9pm at least), and it was mostly a good time. Bryan told me a bit about the wedding, and told me I was missed, and made sure I got my break, even with all the madness, and he didn't complain about anything. It was nice.

Monday I did nothing. Seriously. Nothing. I didn't eat. I didn't do anything. I don't know what was up with me, but there was just nothing. I used to eat (in my youth) once or twice a week and not notice the other days, and I can see how that happened now, because when you don't eat, you get in this weird, waking coma kind of thing... But I didn't have any food, and I didn't have any energy to go get food...until Tuesday morning, when I just felt like I had it all in order and off to the grocery store I went.

Tuesday I ate, and was sick. My stomach has not been friendly lately. It's been a really tough week...and when my stomach is upset this much, I tend to hibernate. I don't want to see people, or talk to them or do much of anything. I kind of get lost in my own head. I didn't even read my Trek books. Nothing went on this week. Except that I played Spyro the Dragon yesterday; I beat all but the last 2 levels in 2 sittings; and I beat ever level I went to without much effort - I've got that game down flat :-0) It wasn't very productive, but it did keep my mind off of my stomach and how crappy it's making my life at the moment.

Mollie's package is going out today. I've started reading 2 new books. I'll finish Spyro later. I need to eat, but not looking forward to any of the consequences of that action. Perhaps I'll get something done today? I don't know. I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:40 AM
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I finished Spyro. I started reading a book about dead porn star Joey Stefano. I sprayed down the bathroom, and started cleaning. I'd like to get some stuff done today, and I've started that. So...good for me. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:46 AM
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Been scrubbing the bathtub. Ick. My knees were hurting from the tile, and I (in one of my ever more frequent stupid moments) used one of my pillows to cushion my knees. On the bathroom floor. With chemicals flying every which way. I'm guessing that pillow will be tossed out tonight. It's 8 years old, so it's probably time anyways, but I hate to lose a pillow.

Listening to Tori's "Liquid Diamonds" on repeat. I'm not that familiar with this tune, and it's not spectacular, but it's got me hypnotized.

I ache for new Who. lol

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:54 PM
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   Thursday, May 29, 2008

I got so much done yesterday :-0) I did the dishes; scrubbed the tub; did laundry; started a new book; talked to Michael & Jordan; sorted e-mail... It was a good day. And I slept well when it was over. I've been sleeping at night since Sunday.

My doctor appointment is today, so I'll probably be driving Mark to work. He should be getting up soon; his alarm has already gone off twice.

I was expecting there to be some Doctor Who news online today, and maybe it will turn up later, but so far...there's nothing. I thought there might be some, as the new issue of Doctor Who magazine comes out in the UK today. I wish I had it now, but the issue before that one hasn't even arrived in the States yet. :-0(

The new issue of Buffy comes out on Wednesday; the final issue in a 4 issue story...which will be followed by another 4 issue story. I'm looking forward to the ending of this story, which has been filled with a lot of fun in jokes, some surprising character revelations, and apparently, one shocking character death. The Buffy comics just rock ;-0)

I need to shave today. I haven't shaved since Sunday, so I'm kind of furry. Ick. I'd also like to get some pictures up in my room today. I've been neglecting it lately.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:05 AM
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In the time it took to post the last entry, the news from the new Doctor Who Magazine was released, though it wasn't as groundbreaking as I was expecting - there was still some Billie Piper quotes on how Rose has grown since we last saw her. Squee! :-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:09 AM
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I showered & chatted with Mark, and now we're getting ready. I'll drive Mark to work. Come home. Shave. I might burn a disc for DJ. I need to finish my laundry. I need to eat. After my appointment, I need to fill some perscriptions, and go get some more water.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:05 AM
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Mark's at work. I'm getting ready to eat. Then shave and stuff. My appointment isn't til a quarter to 4. Plenty of time. I'm posting a lot today, because this glitch happened, and I got like 5 copies of the same entry, and I can't delete them, so I'm re-writing them.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:54 AM
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Ok. I have a lot to write about. Serious stuff that made me cry. But I don't feel like writing about it right now. Suffice to say that today mostly sucked...

But there's good news too. Not good news I guess. Just...I love this new song, called 'I Kissed A Girl' by Katy Perry. It's single-handedly making me smile.

It's the little things that keep me breathing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:40 PM
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   Friday, May 30, 2008

7 Years of Hell

Alright. So 7 years ago, this August I started throwing up food. Randomly. The doctor said it was severe acid reflux, which I figured was probably right. I mean, my whole family has acid reflux to some degree. I took the meds they told me too. I'd already cut the bad food stuffs out of my diet...

Only I never got better. There were times when I was ok, but it never lasted. They kept upping my dosage. I take 40MG of Prilosec a day, plus 20MG of Zantac - that's like way over the norm. And food continues to eject from my mouth at fairly regular intervals.

7 years of this. It hasn't been fun. And it's curtailed & informed a lot of my behavior. I hate to travel. I don't socialize as much as I'd like. I don't get as close to people as I'd like. I don't go to school & I hardly work. It's even hard to work out... It's also hard to not stop eating all together, which I'm surprised I've managed to do. I'm surprised that I've survived at all, actually, so I know I'm stronger than I would have thought.

Yesterday, I saw the doctors again, with high hopes that a new medication my help me out...only it didn't turn out like I hoped. I actually ended up weeping in the doctor's office, and not with joy in my heart. It turns out I probably don't have acid reflux at all, or at least not to the degree that my symptoms would seem to suggest...which makes a certain amount of sense. The meds should be helping and they're not. Some foods that shouldn't bother me, do. Others that should bother me, that I've risked eating, haven't bothered me. The down side to this, is that it's possible that my condition isn't treatable....which could possibly crush me.

I mean...7 years is enough of this shit. I can't even believe it's been that long. That my life has been on hold for that long...because that's how it feels. Like I've been waiting on the sidelines while life just rolls on by. I'm afraid I'm nearing my limit.

However, it's possible that there is a medication that can help me. I have to have some tests done, which I've scheduled for June 10 & June 12. One of them involves me eating radioactive food and then tracking where the food goes to and for how long. The other involves them sticking a PH Strip up my nose, down my throat, and into my stomach - which would stay there for 24 hours. After those tests come back, we move on from there... hopefully with new info, or at least some confirmation that we're headed in the right direction, and we can try this new medication that might help prevent me throwing up constantly. That's what I want. That's what's been holding me back in so many aspects of my life that I can't even express to you how debilitating, humiliating, or insufferable it's been.

So...I'm trying to hold on a bit longer. I'm usually ok. I mean...it sucks, but often you wouldn't know it to look at me. I look good. I look healthy. My doctors all comment on that. And I'm usually in good spirits, or as good as can be expected. But there are moments where it all seems pointless, and I just want to end it. I was supposed to work today. I really wanted to see everyone...only it wasn't possible. I missed a wedding last Saturday. I miss a lot of things...and I'm so tired of pretending I'm ok, when I'm not. My friends understand and don't hold it against me...which I'm grateful for, but that just isn't enough for me anymore. I need this to end.

Wish me luck.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:09 PM
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