Sunday, August 3, 2008
Read a lot. Played Spyro briefly (60 some % finished?). Ate. Showered. Chatted with Mollie and some guys. Spoke to Patrick on the phone for a minute. Feel kind of dazed. Trying to track down a track from a mashup.
posted by Bald Jason at 01:02 AM
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I found that track. :-0)
posted by Bald Jason at 01:12 AM
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Finished Harry & the Chamber of Secrets for the 3rd time. It was first published July 2, 1998 in the UK; June 2, 1999 in the US.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:10 AM
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Monday, August 4, 2008
Mark & I went to the mall yesterday to shop for shirts for me, only I was then reminded why I hate shopping. I can never find anything that I like, or if I do, they don't have it in my size. It's just depressing. I did however pick up a new necklace, and Mark gave me some bracelets that I didn't have yet. Accessories can jazz up old sets right? RIGHT? Well, they can help. ;-0)
I stayed up very late this morning chatting online. I tried to sleep, but couldn't. I played more Spyro. I couldn't concentrate on any of my books. I chatted some more...and finally crumbled into oblivion. Though I think Mark knocked on my door this morning...and I may have heard the doorbell ring. hmmm.
I slept as long as I could. Stumbled out of bed around 4pm. Since that time, I've done 2 loads of laundry; scrubbed the bathroom sink and toilet; done the dishes; emptied the assorted trash cans; sorted and prepared all the recyclable plastics, cans & bottles (including the vast assortment in Mark's room); and sorted a bunch of Mark's laundry, which I'll start later, but hopefully Mark will finish. He has so much going on that he forgets to do the little things and they pile up, and probably stress him out more than he knows, so I thought I'd give him a little head start. Oh! And I printed up some art that will fit perfectly in a couple spots in my room, which is no easy feat these days. ;-0)
I'm most likely going to Necto tonight.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:57 PM
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I put away some of the dishes; they weren't all dry. I watered our lawn, as the sprinklers have been down for awhile - I've been trying to keep ours somewhat green. I also vacumed my room, and made my bed. Cleaning. Cleaning. Cleaning.
posted by Bald Jason at 06:20 PM
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Tuesday, August 5, 2008
I made cinnimon(?) rolls, which I ended up burning, but Mark iced them and I ate the non-burnt scraps. I played Spyro. I went to Necto around midnight. I got to see Ruth, Brandon, Patrick, Scott... I met John & Gabe; I saw Jenny for the 2nd time; I met her first at The Bean in Plymoth Friday night. Jim, from Aut Bar was there, who is really cute, and nice, but supposedly a big ho. Preston was there, but he kept his distance. I was pretty tipsy, and had a good time. Oh; Monica was there too. Patrick seems to like me, but wants to sort things out with J & M, which is really thoughtful and sweet. In spite of all that I gave him a really great kiss on the dancefloor, for which he called me a 'a bitch and a half', while struggling to keep my hands off his hardon. :-0) It made me smile. Sadly, Brandon needed a ride home, and so they had to leave early. I left like 5 minutes after they did, as it was getting to be that time of the night when the DJ's interrupt every song to get people screaming, which is fine some nights, but just annoying most of the time.
Anyways... I'm home. Been home awhile, but I'm a bit out of it.
Patrick is sweet.
posted by Bald Jason at 03:08 AM
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Awake. Bored Now.
posted by Bald Jason at 02:59 PM
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So I've been getting these e-mails from Friendster, which I just kind of ignored because I do have an old Friendster account, and I thought that these messages were kind of spamish and would die quickly enough on their own...but they didn't. Then I noticed that the e-mail addy that they were being sent to was one that I own, but would never EVER use (don't ask why or how that is - if you know me well, then you probably understand). So...I went to Friendster, and put in the e-mail addy, and said I'd forgotten my password, so they sent me the password ("Patrick"), and I found myself in this 17 year old's account, from the Philippines who's been using this e-mail addy and getting me all this spam. I was going to contact Friendster about it, but that seemed like such a hassel, so I just changed the password and e-mail addy, then closed the account. Hopefully next time he tries his own e-mail addy, or something that I don't own. Prick.
posted by Bald Jason at 05:53 PM
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Wednesday, August 6, 2008
I ate and slept. Ate & slept. Weird dreams. Took some pictures of the new red shirt Mark got me last week.
Went to Aut Bar. Chatted with Redcloud while I was there.
Redcloud and I - May 2006.He just went through Hell, where the guy he was engaged to, ended up being a liar, who was living with this guy for 2 years, the whole time that he & Redcloud were dating! Men suck.
Came home. Uploaded some new & old pix to my website here & here.
Now I'm listening to this mashup (Tricky vs. Bjork vs. PJ Harvey vs. Rammstein vs. Portis Head vs. Kosheen) over and over, while I try to figure out what to do until sleep overtakes me.
I work today at 1, after 25 days off.
posted by Bald Jason at 04:38 AM
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Ok.
So I just had a fantastic wank. Which probably wasn't on the highly recommended list, as I was beginning to get a migrain, and these things can make them worse, or kind of pointless, but it actually turned out extremely well. Then I took my midrin, which I'm ever grateful for, and took a long hot, invigorating shower. I love to shower, but lately they've not being doing much for me. Neither has masturbation now that I think about it...And I think part of that is that I have a lot on my mind.
So why not clear the air.
I broke up with my last boyfriend, Michael, about 5 or 6 months ago. He was, and is, an amazing man, who I want to remain friends with. It just wasn't going to work out with us as a couple, which sucked, because he's way cool! And he's an amazing lover. So amazing that I've been having sex with him fairly regularly ever since we broke up, which has never been a problem for us. Except I suspect that now it might be, or is about to be, or something to that effect.
See...I've realized recently, that though we're both single, and enjoying the sex isn't a bad thing (and we both agree our sex is fantastic)... Well... If Michael were to start dating someone it would hurt me. And that's bad. That's very bad. That means I'm emotionally attached to something that should just be friendly, casual, amazingly intense sex - with someone I can trust and depend on...
But it's more complicated than that. When isn't it? So, Michael just moved in with this guy Chris, who is also super cool, but who is (to my point of view) in love with Michael. Now we all know how each of us feels, but I somehow always end up feeling guilty for hanging on to Michael, when there's this sweet guy there, who perhaps has deeper feelings for Mikey than I do (though I do love Michael; I'm just not in love with Michael) - even though Michael doesn't return this guy's feelings. It's brought up all kinds of odd feelings and questions. Because someday someone will fall for Michael, and Michael will fall back, and then what happens to me? I know we'll most likely always remain friends, but if we're still fucking like bunnies and then I'm cut off that's gonna suck. Or...if we don't stop, and it prevents Michael from falling madly in love with the guy he more than deserves, that will suck too, even if it provides us both with lots of orgasms...
And there's more...
I've been kind of seeing, this guy Jordan for several months. Kind of, because it's like once or twice a month, rather than once or twice a week. Also, when we first started hanging out, and having sex, he told me that he wasn't the boyfriend type, or something to that effect, which I came to accept, and I made my peace with that, and just enjoyed his company...figuring as long as I was open with everyone, and nobody was getting hurt, than we were all ok. But then something changed. Last time I saw Jordan, which was last week, he told me again that if I wanted to be with anyone else not to let him stop me, and he would never be jealous, accept...he admitted that it would bother him. That, to me, means that a line has been crossed, and things are beginning to change. But what does that mean exactly? I mean...I told myself that this guy wasn't really a boyfriend type guy, and I've been fine with that ever since...but what if that's not the case? Am I involved without ever having realized it. I'm not in love with the guy. I've never lied to him, and I don't intend to, but his confession has thrown me for a loop...and I'm not sure I understand where that leaves me or us.
Then there is Patrick. I met Patrick at Necto a little over a week ago. He's funny, and cute, and all kinds of things that make him the kind of boy I'd date if I were single. And until the previous week I was officially single. Only I wasn't really is my feeling now. Is that ok? Is that really where things stand? Should I change things? Should I stay where I am?
I think I should talk to Michael about how I'm feeling. Of the 3 guys, he's the one I know best, and my best friend of the bunch. I want to clear up some of the confusion that's lurking in my brain (and fear, because I am very afraid), and get his feedback. I want to tell him how much I've enjoyed our time together as lovers (and that's not bullshit, because I really, REALLY have) - and not just on a physical level; I really think it's healed a lot of wounds that I didn't even know that I had, and our evolving relationship has taken me down several paths which I'd never dared follow before, inspiring me now, and most likely for the rest of my life. I love him. Writing this out makes things in this area seem at least that simple.
The thing with Jordan...is less clear. He's always been hard for me to read. I thought he hated me at first, but I was later convinced that was wrong. lol Of course I don't see him often enough to know him as well as I should after all this time, and that's at least part of the problem - he still feels a bit random to me. But I know he's sweet, and gentle, and we have something, though I'm not sure what it is. I need to sort that out. There's nothing bad there; it's all good; but is it enough? When we were just fooling around, playing together for friendly fun, it was. But is there enough there to sustain something more? I'm not sure that there is, but I've been wrong many times before, and know that I shouldn't jump to conclusions here. This guy is really cool. He's thoughtful, and generous, and he's never done anything to hurt me...which sadly, separates him from most of the men that I've dated. I need to think about this, and talk to him, and probably think about this some more.
And Patrick...he knows I'm trying to sort all this out, because I told him so. And he's being very understanding about it, even when I'm being "a bitch and a half". And I'm grateful. I'm grateful for all of them actually. None of these men are my enemies, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Now I'm going to take my eating pill, have some cookies, and sleep. I have to work today.
I feel better now.
posted by Bald Jason at 06:00 AM
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1 other thing. I once again find myself aching to read the Dune series; and so I shall.
posted by Bald Jason at 06:35 AM
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Thursday, August 7, 2008
I had a horrible, horrible day at work yesterday. It turns out, that the reason that I've not been scheduled in 25 days, and the reason I have no money to keep the bicycle that I loved, and have no money to throw my now-annual birthday party, is because my boss didn't want to upset me, by confronting me with the news that people had complained that though they love me, they don't want to work with me, because I call off all the time!?! Now, the complaints don't bother me, because they're understandable (as were my reasons for calling in, which a whole slew of doctors can back me up on) - what bothers me, is that instead of dealing with this issue by talking to me, which would have been all it required as I've now been properly diagnosed, and have medication to deal with my issues...he chose to just let me go, for a month. And that has raised all kinds of questions, as to what people knew when they talked to me...but I've spoken to several of them by now, and it seems obvious that none of them knew why I hadn't been scheduled - they just assumed that DJ had talked to me, and that I quit, or was let go. And that raises other uncomfortable questions... Would DJ have ever scheduled me again? He didn't schedule me this week; I had to go in, and talk to someone, who then offered to give me some shifts, and this was not DJ's decision. I tried asking him this, and he avoided the question. Also, if I wasn't given my miracle drug that tires me out while keeping most of my food down, would I have been fired? I simply don't know, but the idea of being fired from a job that I've almost always loved, and then finding a cure for my ills...well, sickens me. The whole day was a headache of overwhelming what-ifs that filled my brain non-stop. I cried a lot. I wanted to quit. I felt, almost like I'd been lied to for a month. I made my peace with Bryan, who told me his side, and how he'd backed me up with DJ...but DJ always avoids confrontations, but I'm his friend, and his coworker of 6 years - if he can't talk to me about important stuff... The whole thing just boggles my mind.
So that was work, which sucked. It was nice to see people again, but then it was also terrible. I didn't quit. I told DJ how I was feeling, and why, and I cried, and he cried, and hugged me and told me he loves me, and everyone loves me, and that it wasn't personal...and most of that feeling weird is gone...I just don't understand why I was off doing nothing for a month, while the money I was counting on to supply me with a happy birthday party, and to support my decision of a bicycle went away without a 2nd thought. It pisses me off.
I haven't spoken to Michael yet. I'm actually looking forward to it. I really miss him. I feel like I haven't really spoken to him in AGES. I haven't talked to Jordan so I don't know what's going on there, though he texted me about wanting to hang out, so that's just a matter of time, but that part still confuses the hell out of me. I asked Patrick if he wanted to see "The Dark Knight" with me, but he's already seen it twice, and he told me that he talks all during movies, which annoys me. Also...he seemed slightly cold on the phone, though he did warm up a bit later. I think he's mad at me...or maybe realized that I'm not worth bothering with, which would be fine actually. Except that I think he's cute, and fun and... blah blah blah. I'm such a girl sometimes.
I'm enjoying the Dune book. And before Mollie comments about how much DUNE sucks, the book I'm reading takes place thousands of years before the original Dune, and the books are better than the movies...though the David Lynch one still has some amazingly iconic moments...that still hold me in their sway, though the film itself has seen better days - which is still better than that fracking bad school play version that Sci Fi made. I liked Children of Dune though. :-0)
posted by Bald Jason at 05:08 AM
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Friday, August 8, 2008
Thursday I slept. It was great. lol. Then...I took 30 or 40 pictures of myself. lol. Then I read more Dune, which was great. I chatted with some friends. And when Mark got home we went to the comic store where I got new issues of Buffy, Spike, New Frontier &...that's it. Buffy had a cool cliffhanger that I didn't expect - and I thought I knew what was coming, for sure. Then we went to Chris & Bryans to help them with some Computer Who. This entry is making me smile. While there...for what seemed like 10 hours (in a good way), I visited, and then talked to Michael, then Mollie on the phone. It was all good. Then I talked to Michael again; it was nice. My stomach started to not feel good as we were leaving, so we skipped the grocery store, which is all I really wanted to do...was get groceries.
I slept. I felt better. I read. I got groceries. I confirmed to Mark that I wanted to go on vacation with him, and then I ate. It was great.
I'm sorry. I just watched scenes from stupid comedy movies and they've killed most of my brain cells, so this entry is retarded.
posted by Bald Jason at 06:33 AM
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Woke up late; argued with Mark; hustled myself to work. Expected the day to suck, but it didn't turn out that bad. Great to be working with everyone again. I did pretty good in sales. Talked about Doctor Who with Mike and Pat. I worked over. Mark picked me up and we got some more groceries; mostly for Mark. Home.
Oh. I guessed my birthday present from Mark, which is a funny story that I can't tell at the moment, as I long to be away from the computer.
posted by Bald Jason at 07:51 PM
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