Sunday, March 8, 2009

I went to bed around 6pm. It was nice, drifting off to sleep with the sound of the rain, and a distant train. Woke up around 12:30am. Went back to sleep. Woke up around 3am. I read a bit. I'm trying to find a book to read, but nothing seems to interest me lately. I had good dreams. I feel like I'm drifting.

I had a hot dream about Michael. But it was very strange. Lots of bondage and latex. I'm sure he would have loved it.

I tried chatting on gay.com, but found the conversation about the deeper meanings of "The Sweetest Thing" too brain numbing and disappointing to continue.

Apparently we lost an hour tonight. I thought it felt weird, but then I looked at my phone and the time had shifted yet. I asked Mark about this, and then left a message for Mollie, but when I hung up my phone had righted itself. I used to notice these things more when I was working.

Speaking of work, I was thinking about Hollywood Video tonight. I was remembering all kinds of random work details that I've not thought about in months. I was missing it, but there was also I finality to it... The way I remember other jobs that I've had. It was an interesting moment for me.

A week from Friday and BSG will be over. I hear a lot of fans complaining about this, but at this point, I'm ready for it to end. As long as it ends well, I'll be happy. And I'm looking forward to 'The Plan' and the vastly different 'Caprica'. I'm just tired of waiting for the end.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:31 AM
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I ate. I watched 2 more episodes of LOST. I killed a spider. none of it in that order.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:44 AM
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I've sorted a bunch of pix from my e-mail and got rid of TONS more. I've moved on from King Kong. Now I'm listening to the scores of Hellraiser I & II. I can't think of the composer at the moment, but I love his work. He also did the score to Flowers in the Attic, which was the best part of the movie. I'm chatting with Chris on Yahoo, and other peeps on gay.com.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:47 PM
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I was making a list of things from the entertainment industry that I'm looking forward to this year, and several of the items were Star Trek novels. I was taking a break from Star Trek novels, but several of the books coming out this year require me to read volumes that I own and have either read once years ago, or never read at all. And it's not like I'm reading anything right now anyways.

The first new post-series Star Trek: Voyager book in 4 years comes out next month. It's the 5th in a series of books that take place after the series. I read the first 2 when they were new, and I enjoyed them. I started reading the 3rd one but couldn't get into it. I figured I'd just rush through them when a new volume came out, not realizing that it would be several years before that would happen. I'm thinking of rewatching the finale to Voyager and then reading the 4 volumes that I have so I'll be ready for the new one when it arrives. This 5th volume is written by an author that I've enjoyed in the past, and has to deal with many plots that I'm interested in. The author will release a 6th volume late in the year.

I want fritos. lol. I might go to the grocery store later.

In my reading about the things I'm looking forward to this year I discovered an article that I'd missed in which it was revealed that the 2nd Doctor Who special this year will actually be the Christmas Special. This confuses me as they're producing 4 2009 specials (the first airs on Easter), or at least they were. I'd heard rumblings that the final 2 specials were linked, and that they might be held back until late in December, but now it seems they might not air in 2009 at all. If they don't air this year that's 2 less Doctor Who installments in an already nearly Doctorless year. It doesn't help that Torchwood's been trunicated by 8 episodes. It sucks. But if this proves true then this means we'll have 2 extra Who installments next year, with the 10th Doctor no less.

Here's the list I made:

March 13:
Battlestar Galactica: Daybreak, Part 1

March 20:
Battlestar Galactica: Daybreak, Part 2
(2 hour Series Finale)

Spring / Summer:
Torchwood: Children of Earth
(5 part miniseries)

April:
Voyager: Full Circle
(Star Trek novel)

New Frontier: Treason
(Star Trek novel)

April 12:
Doctor Who: Planet of the Dead

April 21:
Battlestar Galcatica: Season 4.5
(dvd set with extended cuts)

Caprica
(unrated extended cut pilot)

May:
Vanguard: Open Secrets
(Star Trek novel)

May 1:
X-Men Origins: Wolverine

May 8:
Star Trek

May 21:
Terminator Salvation

May 26:
Were the World Mine (DVD)

June:
Battlestar Galactica: The Plan

July:
Watchmen:
Tales of the Black Freighter Edition
(3.5 hours)

The Next Generation: Losing the Peace
(Star Trek Novel)

July 17:
Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince

August:
The Soul Key
(DS9 Relaunch Novel)

Fall:
The Sarah Jane Adventures: Season 3

September:
The Never Ending Sacrifice
(DS9 Relaunch Novel)

October:
Enterprise: The Romulan War
(Star Trek Novel)

Voyager: Unworthy
(Star Trek Novel)

November:
Titan: Synthesis
(Star Trek Novel)

December:
Vanguard: Precipice
(Star Trek Novel)

December 18:
Avatar
(James Cameron Film)

December 25:
Doctor Who Christmas Special 2009

Other 2009:
Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (DVD)

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:43 PM
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   Monday, March 9, 2009

I was getting ready to go to the grocery store when I was overcome by the most wretched headache that I've had in at least a year. I started getting migrains when I was in the 4th grade. I remember the first one very clearly; where I was; what I was doing. It wasn't long before I started getting scary symptoms that proved to be common migrain signs: tunnel vision; numb limbs. I used to suffer those symptoms on a regular basis... But for the last 12 years or so, those symptoms have rarely appeared. Well they kicked in yesterday.

It's hard to explain tunnel vision to those who've never experienced it. But it's a kind of blindness. You can see, but you can't. It's very annoying, and very confusing when you don't know what's happening. And even when you do know what's happening, it's hard not to panic as a result. The whole thing is kind of creepy.

Add to that, one of your arms going completely numb. The two symptoms have always arrived in tandom. Though there have been times when I've seen spots just before my vision is compromised...and other times where I see these little silvery lights; like fireworks. The latter has sometimes come and gone without the numbness or even a severe headache, but when I see spots it's time to take my meds and hide in a dark room.

But yesterday I got the headache before my vision went out; before the numb effect. Which...I'm not sure has ever happened before. If it has, it was so many years ago that I've forgotten it.

Having experienced this so vividly yesterday I'm amazed that I dealt with it as well as I did in my youth. This is probably because of my mother. She suffered similar symptoms, and we were perscribed similar drugs to deal with them, so she understood what was going on; I didn't need to convince anyone. Which was probably very helpful.

Anyways - I took my drugs. I hid in the dark. And eventually I slept. Mark woke me up once to check on me, which I understand, but it angered me. I was still suffering and the only way to get rid of that kind of pain is to stay quiet, in the dark, preferably asleep, until it goes away. It's not his fault. I mean, he's only seen me have 1 other migrain like this one before, and that time it freaked him out that I could hardly walk and that I couldn't feel anything in my right arm. He's used to me having severe pain, but these other symptoms take things to a whole new level, for which I've not given him instructions. I'll have to be sure to explain it to him later.

I was thankfully able to get Mark out of the room with a minium of discussion, and no bruised feelings. I slept until around 2am. My head still hurt but nowhere near as bad. I called Mollie, who has left me a message several hours before. We talked briefly about problems that her mother is having and updates in our lives. I told her about my horrible headache experience and she'd recently experienced the tunnel vision herself so she knew exactly what I was talking about. Mollie and I often connect on subjects and levels that I don't get to as easily with other people. She's such a comfort.

I watched the finale of Voyager to prepare for the post-series books. I've watched the finale several times of the years, and I've enjoyed parts of it far more than when it first aired. It's very much a Voyager episode, and so it's a very appropriate ending to that series...but just like the show that it's celebrating...it mostly feels like a wasted opportunity.

I read the first 40 pages of the 1st post series book, "Homecoming". I read it years ago when it was new, and I remember enjoying it. But this time I'm finding it rather trite. It's a fairly good continuation of that final episode, but I don't like the writing style...it's not horrible, but every once in awhile I just don't believe these are the actual characters talking. It's a flaw that has thankfully been mostly absent in the post DS9 books. There has been only 1 post DS9 book that I've felt this way about, but I seem to be the only fan that I know who felt that way, so perhaps it was a fluke? I hope so.

Anyways. I wanted to go to the bank and the grocery store this morning. But my stomach is upset again! My IBS, which has been held at bay (thankfully) for months seems to be giving me troubles again. I suspect many reasons. One cause might be that the pills for my eating helped the process along, and now that I've reduced the number that I take, things are going back to how they were. They seems likely. Also, I've had several horrible headaches this last week, with yesterday's being the worse, so I've taken quite a bit of Midrin this week, only it's not Midrin, it's a generic called Migrazone, which is basically the same thing (I looked it up online), but one I've never taken before. Perhaps there's something in the mix that's upsetting my stomach? I had also been drinking quite a bit of soda this last week, but I stopped that several days ago... Anyways...I'm not happy about this. I might have to take one of my cymbalta pills. Really not looking forward to Zombie Jason

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:08 AM
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   Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Monday morning I watched some more LOST. Then around 10am I decided I'd get up, get out, and get some groceries. I went to Meijer, but as I was getting off the expressway, the ramp was littered with potholes. It was like a war zone. I managed to dodge most of them...and hit one in what I thought was the lesser of two evils. But it turned out to be bad enough. I made it to Meijer and the tire wasn't completely flat yet, so I was hoping it was ok. I got what I needed from Meijer in about 10 minutes, came back and the tire was definitely flat. I called Mark. I called Suburu Roadside... I talked to this woman, Amy, told her where I was, what section of the parking lot, what end of the store. They said that help would arrive in 40 minutes. I talked to Mark & my Grandmother in that time. 40 minutes later the tow truck driver called to ask if I was in the parking lot or across the road. I told him I was in the parking lot, near the pharmacy. This seemed to confuse him. It turned out they'd sent him to my home instead of where I actually was. He was local and knew where I was and said he'd be there in 30 minutes. Sometimes...when things are bad I get stressed. Then things get worse and I get angry...or start to laugh at the comical badness of it all. Well, first I was angry...and then I was in a good mood. And the sun came out. And the guy arrived just as he said he would and got everything fixed in about 5 minutes. And I was on my way.

I went to Kroger for more groceries, though I felt rushed now that I'd been so put off for time. Also, I was extremely hungry. I kind of rushed through the store. I was worried that I'd make Mark late for work. I went to Little Caesars thinking of pizza, but then decided I didn't want to wait for anything else that day, got crazy bread, and went next door and got some wine. I ate the crazy bread as I drove home.

I got home, got the groceries in, and gave the rest of the crazy bread to Mark. I ate and chilled. Happy to be home. I wandered through wikipedia. Then watched some stuff on youtube. Mark wanted me to go with him to work so I could take the car in to be fixed. But I'd not taken my eating pills, as I knew I was going to be home and so I wasn't prepared to go anywhere without it going badly. Also, I was very tired.

Mark went on his way, and I ended up watching about 7 episodes of The Facts of Life on YouTube. It's amazing how many of those I remembered from when I was little - and I could remember just how I reacted at the time. It was amusing.

I finally fell asleep around 6pm. I figured I'd wake up around 10 or 11 as I've been sleeping 4 or 5 hours at a time lately. I thought I might go to Necto. Only when I woke up it was nearly 3:30am. I couldn't believe it! At first I was disappointed that I didn't get to go to the club, but realized that I was so well rested that I didn't care.

I got up, and found some mail Mark had left at my door. Mark said hello to me, as he was getting ready for bed. I ate and read the mail. Then I wrote this, as I listend to more soundtrack music.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:54 AM
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I feel like rambling. This could go on awhile. I never know where to place commas or where to end paragraphs. Sometimes I think I know, but I'm probably wrong. And other times I know exactly what I'm doing, but I don't give myself enough credit.

A person who I chat with online just told me I give new meaning to multitasking. But really it's just the same old tired meaning. I feel like I'm not getting enough done, even with all that I'm doing here. Because really, it isn't very much at all. The online chat person is a Star Trek fan, who lives in a room across the hall from where I almost lived happily ever after with Mark Daniel Adams. This man said he just wanted to be friends with me in the beginning. He's since confessed that he wants far more than that. In my silence he has apologised. With every word he says to me now, he apologises for his desire.

Another man argues about intent, malice, and how his misspelling of words makes everything ok. I burn with unexpressed rage as I type my responses. Stupidity and the reinforcments of stereotypes. How do I fall into these conversations? "You're never too old to change your thinking", he says. He doesn't see the irony. A double-edged sword that is slamming into my skull. The dull conversation refuses to end. I've got to get out of this space.

I'm listening to Sade and Daft Punk combined in ways not intended by the artists. I'd never heard the Daft song before this Frankenstein musical pastiche. The first time I heard the Sade song, I was 26, sitting on the floor in a gay bar while a drag queen performed. I knew the queen in passing. The song was dedicated to a dead friend of hers, who will forever be remembered as Jezebel. I was rapt. Many friends were in attendance and I was happily coupled. Travis wore his light blue, too tight Strawberry Shortcake shirt. Laurie and the Hillsdale crowd were charmingly impressed. Anytime I hear the Sade song I see this memory and I re-dedicate the song to a queen's dead friend I never knew.

It's raining again. I love the sound of the rain in my room. I'm tempted to go for a walk, but the imagined chill is far more satisfying than reality. Still...temptation waits.

I used to play with broken toys when I was a child. The faded paint and sharp edges appealed to me far more than the shiny new shit, which always seemed to disappoint. The missing fragments were mysteries that kept my attention far longer than storied pieces of plastic that gave away their answers far too easily. It's how I prefer my men. Pitted. Scarred. Damaged. Does this mean that men are only toys?

I was a broken amusement myself once. Broken boys playing games. Action figures trying to piece together the perfect solution. Men struggling to fit together, when the pieces left to them don't amount to much. Perhaps I am still a broken toy. People play with me for awhile and then they grow up.

Have you ever been haunted by a story that someone told you? A real memory of theirs that stays with you long after they told you, and even longer after they actually experienced it? Some piece of their life that somehow exists parallel to your own... just out of reach, but always there.

My sister used to tell me her dreams, and I remember them like they're my own. We always had odd things in common anyway. Her dreams haunt me.

And there were these kids I met in a hospital... They haunted me for years after. I forget them most of the time now, but sometimes the memories of them come flooding back.

And then there's this boy I dated about seven years ago, and everything about him haunts me like that. It's far more intense than the others though. It's not like anything else really. All his stories and adventures...they criss cross across my life, but are achingly separate from my own experiences. Everytime I've touched him I've cherished it. Every time I've seen his world I've been transported beyond my life. And this wave of feeling is so overwhelming that I invariably come crashing down in a heap on the floor of my odd little existance.

Now I read his myspace blog. His stories are poetry. His words inspire and sadden me. His every little gesture is maddening. And did I mention he's beautiful? He's wicked handsome. He's not one of those perfect fags that hurt my eyes just to look at them. He's perfectly imperfect.

I took a break from this entry to write a poem about him. Then I took another break to send it in an e-mail. I'll close this off with what I wrote:

Hey Sean,

Long time no chat. I almost called you today. I still might. I'm odd like that. Though it occurs to me, that I don't know where my fucking phone is. Oh well.

I was reading your blog today. I like it. A lot. I wish you'd written more.

I was trying to write about you today. You have this effect on me that nobody else does, and I'm not sure how to express it without sounding lame. I'm not sure that I understand it myself. But all the things you've told me about; stories and dreams and reviews of songs you like and books that you've read - they stay with me. It's almost overwhelming. Like every little boring bit of your life is some amazing dream I'm having and never want to wake from. I was at EMU the other day and I couldn't help remembering the stories you spoke about living around there.... I found myself looking around and wondering. It's this ache. I get it everytime something like that happens. I get it when I see anything assoiciated with you. And I don't get that with any other ex of mine, or friend of mine. And I don't know why that is, or what it is, but it's a powerful sensation. It's this huge wave of emotion that I can't identify. I don't know what it means. But I'm grateful for it. There's an intense sadness mixed up in it all. I'm not sure why. But I'm grateful that I'm feeling it. It's wondrous.

You are wondrous.

And I'm jealous of anyone that gets to see you all the time. And I'm grateful that I've gotten to know you. And I'm happy that I got to see you back in October. It doesn't seem that long ago really, unless I really think about it, and then it seems like too long indeed.

Bald Jason

Anyways - I wrote this for you:

SEAN

You're not like any other man I've ever tasted.

When we come together it's like my heart skips
and my stomach explodes
and the world stops just to tell us that it wasn't meant to happen.

Only it did.
And the world can suck it.

"Fuck you motherfucker."

Having you was a small victory
but the world won the war.

And now I catch memories of you between my sheets;
between leaves in the trees;
between teardrops and rain.

Everything about you is a foreign country
filled with simple splendor and aching surrender.

Please keep breathing.
Please keep writing.
Please keep sharing.

I might not be there to see your everything...
But I fucking love your ghost.

Written By Jason Wright
March 10, 2009

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:02 PM
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   Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I went to bed around 9pm. I woke up briefly at 1:30am. I actually woke up several brief times during the night, but the 1:30 time was the only one where I got out of bed. I went right back to sleep and woke up at 5:30am. I feel rested. I don't know why I'm back to sleeping around 8 hours, but I'm happy with it. I just have to change the pattern slightly so I can be awake for BSG on Friday.

I had a whole host of interresting dreams. The first one I had, which I remembered each time I woke, and tried to remember each time, involved me befriending the nosferatu like vampire from the first adaptation of Salem's Lot, Mr. Barlow. He arrived in my bedroom one night and while he was frightening we slowly became friends. lol. Mark didn't trust him, and put my handcuffs on him, but he snapped them apart without even trying. He was actually a sad creature. And when he left I found he had never really been here, but that I'd been reading his tale in a book of short stories, which I then went to look for at the early 90's version of the Ann Arbor Borders...with my gramdmother. A later dream involved me defending my family from giant animals at our family home.

I had this wordpad document, unsaved, on my desktop. I'd been working on a long winded response on a Trek forum for the last few days that I wanted to be perfect. I should have saved it. I also made a note of my friends upcoming birthdays from online on the same wordpad. But when I woke up my computer had restarted. And so the entire thing is gone now. I've got this security thing that sends updates and if I'm not awake to stop it, it restarts my computer. I should know by now that I should save stuff, but I'm still angry at the system. I'm going to see if I can have it removed. It used to appear on my screen as an icon when there was an update and I could do whatever I needed to do before clicking on it...I'll see if I can get it back to that setting.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:43 AM
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New movies on DVD I want to see include "Milk", "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas", "Let the Right One In". The thing is, I don't want to rush out and get them per say. If I had the money I'd buy them, so they were just waiting for me to pick them up...but I don't. Oh well.

I had my soundtrack music on random play, and as I wrote "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas" the theme from Schindler's List came on. Perfect.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:05 AM
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Having heard the theme to Schindler's List earlier, I decided to read up on the Holocaust. Something I've never done before. I've never even seen Schindler's List before. I've seen parts of it. I found it so disturbing (and so powerful) that I couldn't watch, even though I know how it ends. I've seen several other Holocaust themed movies, such as "Aimee & Jaguar", "Bent", "The Einstein of Sex", "Facing Windows", "Paragraph 175" & "Walk on Water". I even own all but 1 of those titles, and I recommended 2 of them many times to customers at Hollywood Video. And I have other movies that deal with other aspects of World War II such a "For a Lost Soldier", "Head in the Clouds", & "Mrs. Henderson Presents". But I've never really studied the Holocaust. This morning I did. And I wept. For a good hour. And now my eyes are sore.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:37 PM
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I helped Mark carry a computer out to the car. I'd seen how sunny it was outside, and thought I might go for a walk. That's so not happening now. The wind chill is terrible, and it's very windy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:38 PM
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For mildly amusing time do a google search for Dr. Manhattan Penis. Just listen to all the whining "straight" men who are uncomfortable seeing a penis in a movie theater. It's not even realistic. It's blue. It glows. And even if it were the real deal, what kind of guy freaks out over seeing a dick? I don't get it.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:11 PM
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I dislike my baggy eyes. I've always got these bags under my eyes. Or...I've often had them, throughout my life. I dislike them. And I wanted to express that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:20 PM
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   Thursday, March 12, 2009

I went to bed around 7pm again last night. I woke up around 1am, and went right back to bed. I woke up around 5:30am, but stayed in bed for another hour, thinking about the dreams I'd had.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:40 AM
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I lay in my room with memories flickering like candle flames. Moments I've not thought of in years are clear...precise. People I no longer understand who used to matter. The flames hurt my eyes.

Kellie plays "Some Kind of Stranger" while she laces up her boots. Her father stops in to say hello, wishing us well, a decade before I find him giving head to some tired old cowboy outside the gay bookstore. Kellie shows me her photography and drinks cheap red wine. I never could stomach the red, but the white has grown on me.

Back in 2000, a week after Shawn and Maggie and Laurie made me so very happy, I wandered downtown and laid down in the vivid green grass, in the diag, just as we'd done the week before... Only Shawn was insane now...and I was a pale imitation of Kellie who used to wander the Ann Arbor night, drunk and hungry for lusty kisses. That's what I thought that night as I wandered. I've become Kellie now. I should get some cigarettes.

I remember my first night in this room. There was no furnature. For a long time the computer sat on the floor. That's how it was then. Exchanging e-mails with two uncomprehending women; a liar and a goddess. But the first night was magic with the promise of new adventures just over a year before sickness robbed me of hope.

I've not been taking my magic pills lately. Yet the magic lingers. Perhaps I'm cured? Why doesn't this make me happy? Maybe because the pain pills aren't working. At least I can keep them down now. So many pills. All of them perscribed. I've always been such a good boy.

In my mind I'm painting surrender in cigarette smoke. Cloves. People I know and loved in passing wander by and tell me not to jump. I'm nowhere near the edge, but they can't seem to see the truth. The candle flames blind them I guess.

Memories become stories and memories of stories. Stories that ended become dreams. Dreams become wishes. And wishes are just desires made palatable, respectable & marketable. Apparently, wishes are desires made able. How odd.

I see washed out boyfriends at their worst and give them a smile. I invite them in. Give them a smoke and a white zinfandel kiss. A laugh and a snuggle.

Maybe today won't be so bad after all...

Is it so crazy to be haunted by the living?

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:22 AM
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   Friday, March 13, 2009

I stayed awake most of yesterday posting multiple posts in a Trek forum. I kid you not. Oh. And bonding with other GLBT Trek fans. Oh. And arguing with asshole Trek fans who call sexually active women "whores". I'm a geek. I know this.

I also chatted with Michael & Chris some more. And stayed up way later than I have been. And woke up far earlier as well. I've been up for about 4 hours. I went to bed around 1:30am. Looks like my 8-10 hour sleeping fests are fucked up again. Oh, well. It was nice while it lasted.

I wanted to stay up though as I was both jazzed about my Trekkie Bliss, but also I wanted to make sure I'd be awake tonight for part 1 of the BSG finale! Argh. I'm cautiously excited for these last 3 hours. It looks like they saved a good percentage of BSG awesomeness for the finale. :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:00 AM
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Dude. I can't get to sleep. This is annoying.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:19 PM
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I'm still awake. WTF?

Looks like I won't be sleeping until 11pm at the earliest. Blah.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:14 PM
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BSG was weird. I won't really know what to make of it until the rest of the finale airs next week. I think I liked it, but it's hard to be sure. lol. Parts of it seemed ambitious, yet feel disjointed without the payoff from the rest of the finale. I'm jealous of Mollie, who'll be seeing the last 12 episodes in one big push. And I'm even more jealous of later fans who'll see these episodes for the first time, on dvd with the extended cuts, without commercials, with THE PLAN, and everything that comes in the future.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:11 PM
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