Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I called Michael back after the last entry, but it went right to his voicemail. I called him again and it went through. We talked for a bit. I was feeling 99% better at this point, as writing in my blog and talking to him about it made me feel like the damage was minimal. We have some trust issues, but we already had some trust issues. There were circumstances, that make it more understandable and I completely forgive him for the lie. It's only my crazy fucked up brain that is going to remember that lie and the way I believed it that will cause any problems, and I really think I'll get over that in time. I love him and want to be with him, and now I have the chance to really enjoy my party - because I'll be prepared...but Michael is taking this terribly. Like...on the phone he sounded destroyed. It was bringing me down again.

We also talked about Scott moving it. I told him that I didn't approve of it. I told him that Scott had pretty much been a dick to him since day one, and had continued to be a dick to him for YEARS, even though Michael supported his ungrateful ass. Michael's family, which obviously cares for him, can't stand Scott. Michael's other roomies have mixed feelings about Scott; I know that Melissa was recently feeling manipulated by him. Mark, who's only met Scott once I think, and who has had very little info on him, knew that Scott was bad news. Scott HIT Michael. Scott tried to get Michael fired from his job. He lied to Michael's employers! That's a crime! That's SLANDER! And so no. I don't like him. I don't want Michael to have anything to do with him. I don't want Michael to have that living with him. It can only lead to more stress and upset. And the fact that Michael wants to do this and keep it from his family just says to me that he's ashamed of the decision, or he wouldn't feel the need to hide it from them. Ugh.

So...I got a call from my friend Carrie, who I've not seen in ages. She wanted to meet up in Kerrytown, which is within walking distance of my place. I took a shower and talked on the phone with Michael on my way there. Michael spilled the beans that Mollie is going to be in Michigan on the 14th (she's taking a bus) and that she'll be here for 2 weeks. I was a little annoyed to have these details, as I was still hoping for some surprise and I wasn't going to ask anymore questions about the party - only Michael sounded so broken that I didn't know how to tell him to stop telling me this stuff. He also told me that my friend Chris was in on the party plan. It was so weird, because I was feeling way better, and Michael was bringing me back down - and I was worried about him, but felt almost...manipulated. I don't think he was trying to do that at all, but that's the closest word I can come up with for what I was feeling. I mean, I was the one that was lied too...and I was getting over it and feeling so much better about things, and he was dragging me back down.

He let me go, sounding suicidal. There's this massive emotional turmoil with him now. And I don't know how to pull him out of it. It's sweet that he feels bad that he hurt me, but it's like he can't seen anything else. He can't see that I'm ok and I understand the circumstances and that I'm ready to move on and continue where we left off. I want to work through this. And it almost sounds like he's ready to give up. And it's hurting me. I don't know what to do.

Carrie stopped into this place and got some tea. I got an Emerald Pineapple smoothie. We sat outside and talked and talked. We went inside and sat and talked and talked. We went back to my place and talked and talked. It was glorious. It was nice to touch base with her and it was like old times, only...different. We've both grown up a lot, and it was evident in our conversation. We're adults now. And that's ok. That's great, actually. We talked until after 2am, but I was exhausted. I was ready to go to bed around 11pm, but it was so great I didn't want it to end. I eventually retired, but left Mark talking to Carrie.

I had told Michael I would call him when my visit was over so I did. He said he'd slept a little, but was watching Justice League now. He still sounded like he was dying. It hurt to hear him sound that way. I went right to sleep after we said goodbye, though the light was on in my room, and I was fully dressed.

I woke up around 11am. I read the news. I saw Mark off to work. I did the facebook thing. I downloaded True Blood and last week's The Closer. Michael just texted me and says he'll be over in a couple hours. Today is our 3 month anniversary.

I want to take a shower...and I'd like to go for another walk. I like that I've been getting more exercise, and while I've still been eating the same junk, I've been trying to eat less of it, which I feel good about.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:26 PM
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I watched last week's "The Closer"; it was good as usual. I took a long hot shower (bit of a headache) and shaved my head. I was going to go for a long walk, but it's raining, so I guess I'm staying in. I'm really looking forward to cuddling with Michael later. And I'm also expecting a call from Mollie, and that's always cause to smile. My visit with Carrie was so cool, I hope we keep the contact going; I loved listening to all her stories.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:26 PM
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Michael's here. It feels like all that drama didn't happen.

;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:45 PM
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   Thursday, July 2, 2009

Michael just retested for STD's and came up clear; his HIV test comes back next week. I had him drive me out to where I get tested; I too should have my results next week. We're doing this now because we've been together 3 months, so everyone we slept with before hand should show up on the test. I've only had 1 sexual partner in the last 6 months (Michael), and the 3 others I've been with since my last test were all extremely safe, and Michael was tested about 2 months ago and came up negative so I'm not worried about my test, but there is the slightest chance that we could test positive - I don't expect that at all, but it's the responsibile thing to do, and I'm glad that we're doing it.

We also went to a comic shop, and LC / McDonalds. We watched the 3 part finale to the 2nd Season of Justice League ("Starcrossed"), which ended that series. But the next series, Justice League Unlimited is perfect continuation so it's really like a 3rd Season (and 4th Season) of Justice League.

Later we had sexy time. My stomach was upset later so I stayed up while Michael went to sleep. I talked on the phone with Mollie for a bit and did the Facebook thing. I'm psyched about Mollie coming out here in August; I want to play Wii games with her and enjoy the AC. ;-0)

I was about to go to bed when I found they had released the cover art and the plot descriptions for the remaining 2009 Trek titles, so I updated my Trek Books page with the art and links to Amazon. I've got all but one of those books already preordered. I'll have to order the other one sometime soon.

But now I'm getting into bed. I might read a bit before I sleep though. I'm so not reading as much this year as I have in the last 2 which makes me sad.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:51 AM
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I read some of the 2nd Voyager Relaunch book before going to sleep. Michael & I slept for a long time. We didn't really get out of bed until around 2:30pm. We watched the first 2 episodes of Justice League Unlimited; the 2nd of which ("For the Man Who Has Everything") always makes me misty eyed; it's so good! We played Boom Blox and had more sexy fun. Again, when I ate today my stomach was giving me troubles. This happened a few months ago where I was back to my old condition for a few days, but it passed, so I'm not as worried this time. We went to Chris and Bryan's to trade BSG discs, only I forgot an important one, so Chris is stopping by later to get that one. We didn't stay long; there seemed to be strange vibe going on there, but it might have just been me wigging out cause I'm actually exhausted again. Michael drove me home, and we held each other for awhile and talked before he left. I worked on my farm and answered e-mail. I'll probably do some more reading tonight. There are so many books I want to read this year and I've just not been reading them. I'd like to get through these:

Voyager 02: The Farther Shore
Voyager 03: Old Wounds
Voyager 04: Enemy of my Enemy
TNG: A Time to Be Born
TNG: A Time to Die
TNG: A Time to Sow
TNG: A Time to Harvest
TNG: A Time to Love
TNG: A Time to Hate
TNG: A Time to Kill
TNG: A Time to Heal
TNG: A Time for War, A Time for Peace
TNG: Death in Winter
Articles of the Federation
DS9: The Soul Key
DS9: The Never-Ending Sacrifice
TNG: Losing the Peace
A Singular Destiny
Titan 05: Over a Torrent Sea
Voyager 05: Full Circle
Titan 06: Synthesis
Voyager 06: Unworthy

Plus tons of other books.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:36 PM
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   Friday, July 3, 2009

I read some of Voyager last night while waiting for Chris to stop by for her BSG fix. I fell asleep. I woke up to the phone ringing (8:53pm) with Chris cancelling. Her words kind of confirmed my suspicion of things not going so well at home; I hope it all works out. I was awake...but still felt out of it. I was crabby all night, and only felt ok on my own. It sucked. I did start watching one of the many movie that I own but had never seen ("Hey, Happy!"), which was trippy and made me smile as I fell asleep this morning.

I slept until after 2pm. I had hot dreams and felt well rested. I had a dream about a boy that I went to school with. He was actually more like an amalgam of a bunch of people I went to school with. He said he came out 3 years ago, when I ran into him at a store. It was odd.

I saw that my farm was ready for harvesting and tried calling Mollie but it went right to her voicemail. I hired folks, and harvested Michael's. I worked the farms for over an hour, finishing nothing really. It's so time consuming.

Something upset me, and now I feel completely off. Like...hyper-sensitive. Like no matter what anyone would say to me today would set me off and I just don't want to be a bitch, so I'm trying to avoid people today.

I cancelled plans with Michael, and then with Mark. Even talking to Mark face to face was almost too much for me, and I kind of exploded for no reason. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, I just know that nothing good can come from me interacting with others at the moment.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:21 PM
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My moodswings persist. I feel like I'm on drugs...or dreaming. Everything annoys me. Everything upsets me. And I want to apologise to anyone who I've had any contact with in the last 24 hours. I just...I'm out of control. I very nearly took 1 of my cymbalta pills; at least a zombie can't be this annoyed with the world for no reason.

I want to call Michael, but I'm afraid I'll say terrible things, or come off as a bitch. Just a bit ago I was feeling better (or so I thought) so I started talking to Mark, only to have the odd nightmare feelings return...which left Mark pissed off and me in tears.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:57 PM
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   Saturday, July 4, 2009

Watched the first 7 or 8 episodes of SVU Season 8 last night. Tried to hide out from the world. My mood swings were scary. I think they're slightly better today. I woke up with a headache though, which has only recently been medicated. Mark was nice enough to bring me some crazy bread. I planted the farms, and harvested Mollie's (thanks Mollie), which was long and boring, but was easy enough while waiting for pain killer to kick in.

Mollie sounded tired when she called to tell me about her farm. I would have inquired further but my head hurt so bad that I was single minded in my thirst for oblivion. Blah.

Been listening to the first 2 cds I made for Shawn Foreman today, just because I like the mix and I didn't have the energy to come up with something else. Today marks 8 years since I officially started dating Travis. I saw fireworks that night with Janice and several family members. Um...also I got an amazing blowjob on this day in 2003. Why does my brain work the way that it does?

I feel stoned. Might go for a walk with Mark. Might ivite Michael over. Need to call Chris and set up a time when she can pick up Razor.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:23 PM
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Watched the first 7 or 8 episodes of SVU Season 8 last night. Tried to hide out from the world. My mood swings were scary. I think they're slightly better today. I woke up with a headache though, which has only recently been medicated. Mark was nice enough to bring me some crazy bread. I planted the farms, and harvested Mollie's (thanks Mollie), which was long and boring, but was easy enough while waiting for pain killer to kick in.

Mollie sounded tired when she called to tell me about her farm. I would have inquired further but my head hurt so bad that I was single minded in my thirst for oblivion. Blah.

Been listening to the first 2 cds I made for Shawn Foreman today, just because I like the mix and I didn't have the energy to come up with something else. Today marks 8 years since I officially started dating Travis. I saw fireworks that night with Janice and several family members. Um...also I got an amazing blowjob on this day in 2003. Why does my brain work the way that it does?

I feel stoned. Might go for a walk with Mark. Might ivite Michael over. Need to call Chris and set up a time when she can pick up Razor.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:09 PM
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