Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Friday night. Went to Michael's. Thought he was mad at me. He wasn't. I was upset I was missing friends at Necto (Tom, Shawn & Chris - mostly Chris) - Michael said I could go and come back. I called Chris on the way but she hadn't been able to get in and was home! I told her we'd plan for next week and headed back to Michael's picking up snacks on the way. I was overcome with love for Mirhael and how cool our friendship / relationship was...plus it was great to see him again...especially with him being so cool. I later gave him a really great massage. We played Mario, watched Trek and had a fantastic cuddle session / night.

Saturday morning I was gonna leave but Michael was going to get his last check from Arby's and invited me along. I went. I had a great time. Later we played more games and had sex (protected and very safe). Later I went home, though I felt like I could stay for days...I just didn't want to confuse myself. I was in a downward funk for most of the night but pulled myself out of it. Go me!

Sunday I spent feeling a bit ill and had a relaxing day at home. This wasn't like other days at home of recent times where I felt trapped...I just wanted to stay home and I was happy to be there. Later I did decide I wanted to leave the house for a bit and got Mark out. We went to some pharmacys, the gas station, the post office and Little Caesars. I watched more Season 4 of 'Six Feet Under' and the new episode of True Blood (3x07 "Hitting the Ground") which I liked. I also hung out with Tom for several hours.

Monday. Michael and I spoke on the phone. Mark & I went for a walk downtown and met Tom at the Jolly Pumpkin. We later went to a candy shop, Borders and an ice cream shop before walking Tom back to his car and then home. I played some games and shaved my beard off...got ready for Necto as my ex-bf Brian was gonna be in town there. It was fun. Saw Carson / Lucianna and his friends (Kimberly I remember). I later saw Brian, and ran into Freedom and her friends Britney & Chris. The latter was hot and and hot for me...and I did kiss him, but tried to hook him up with Brian as I'm just not into the sex thing right now. Brian and I hung out by my car for about an hour talking then he came back to chill at the condo for a bit. It was all cool. He headed home and I talked to Michael who'd just finished up a date (no sex) and it was all very interesting. Did farmtown and wrote this.

Very tired.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:51 AM
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Slept from 9am - 4pm. Talked to Michael. Plans with him were dashed. Feelings for him became a lot more complicated. I feel too much.

Happy Birthday Jennifer.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:16 PM
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   Friday, August 6, 2010

Tues-Thursday Morning. Walked. Watched Six Feet Under. Not much to say really. I felt things I can't remember and remember things I don't want to.

Wednesday night - Thursday morning I stayed up. I watched SVU. I arrived at Michale's just after 12 noon which is when he said he was getting up; he'd invited me to look at possible future apartments for when his lease ends in October. It was hot and I was tired but it was fun spending time with him and talking about stuff - I was hard pretty much the entire time. We ate at McDonalds in Plymouth and I kept it all down. We later headed home. I gave him a hand job with hints that I'd get mine later. We slept for a few hours...nice cuddles.

Woke up to messages from Heather & Mark saying Heather could hang out that night. We had Heather drive out to Michael's so we could take her to Mark. When she was on her way over I was...well, I was licking Michael's balls actually, and he got a text from this new guy that's he's VERY into (Jonathan)...he asked Michael how his day was going (he knew Michael was with me) - Michael texted back "It's ok. Wish I was with you. But it's ok" - OUCH. He told me not to read too much into it and that he was just trying to make him happy. The thing is...Michael lies constantly and once you catch him in a lie it's hard to know who's being lied to - but he said that if he wasn't having a good time with me or didn't want to see me he just wouldn't see me. The whole encounter really threw me off but I managed to bounce back a bit.

Heather got lost so we met her somewhere then took her to Michael's and then to our condo. We chilled for a few and then walked to Aut Bar where everybody got drinks but me (I'd had a snack at the condo and my tummy was upset). The mayor of Ann Arbor came in and chatted with Mark...he also chatted up some lady. We went to Starbucks so I could get a carmel frap. Fun. Walked to Pizza House. Had cinnomon sticks. Went to Pinball Pete's...played Adams Family with Heather, DDR with Heather, 4 player air hockey and 4 player pool. Headed back home. Starting around then Jonathan kept up a running text conversation with Michael that didn't end until hours later. It was annoying and painful because I see Michael so rarely...and it was like he wasn't really WITH me. And this guy knew we were together and was barging in on that. Plus it reminded me of when Michael used to get texts from guys that I later learned he was cheating with. I got very depressed very fast. I was like a zombie. I started getting hospital flashbacks on top of that and seriously considered suicide. Mark saved my life with a text he sent me as Michael & I were driving Heather back to her car.

After Heather left, Michael and watched some DS9; he saved the final arc to watch with me and I've been looking forward to it for months...only Jonathan kept texting him. After 2 episode Michael announced it was bedtime and all but ran to the bed, leaving me behind and when I did get in there weren't any cuddles - and his clothes stayed on.

I woke up when he got up 4 hours later. We watched more Trek. Enterprise ("Sleeping Dogs" & "Shuttlepod One") & DS9 ("Strange Bedfellows & "The Changing Face of Evil") - I fell asleep during the latter and Michael sent me to bed saying he wasn't tired. Also, when watching Trek, he got a call from a guy named Jay about a date they're having tonight (Michael's gonna fuck him). I woke up a few hours later from odd dreams to find Michael asleep, having fallen asleep during the next episode he tried to watch. I was tempted to read the texts in his phone but knew that it would upset me so resisted. I had a snack. My belly was upset. Michael woke briefly and I told him I was sad I never got my orgasm and that we'd never really cuddled. He said he was going back to sleep for another hour and layed on the couch (where I obviously couldn't lay with him) - I asked if he wanted to cuddle and he said no...and when I said I was leaving he didn't bother to get up and hug me goodbye...or even say goodbye. It was pretty horrible.

I drove home. It was sunny out and then dark and rainy, then sunny again. I told Mark about my night and then came and wrote this.

I feel pretty broken. Stupid. I hate that all these other men come before me in Michael's life now. Actually, I think they did before and I was just fooling myself. How could I be so FUCKING STUPID? Why can't I get over this? I know parts of the answer, but not all of it. It makes me feel pathetic and idiotic...and I still fucking miss him. I wish he was here and wanting to hold me. But he's not...and he doesn't. The guy that pursued me last year and proposed marriage to me twice and cheated and lied and hurt now gets to move on with all these other dates and a guy he's really into and I (no offense to any friends that are reading this) feel like I've got nothing. I'm hanging by a thread. I don't know what to do.

A year ago today I was at Cedar Point with Michael, Mark, friends & family.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:02 PM
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