Friday, August 6, 2010

Tues-Thursday Morning. Walked. Watched Six Feet Under. Not much to say really. I felt things I can't remember and remember things I don't want to.

Wednesday night - Thursday morning I stayed up. I watched SVU. I arrived at Michale's just after 12 noon which is when he said he was getting up; he'd invited me to look at possible future apartments for when his lease ends in October. It was hot and I was tired but it was fun spending time with him and talking about stuff - I was hard pretty much the entire time. We ate at McDonalds in Plymouth and I kept it all down. We later headed home. I gave him a hand job with hints that I'd get mine later. We slept for a few hours...nice cuddles.

Woke up to messages from Heather & Mark saying Heather could hang out that night. We had Heather drive out to Michael's so we could take her to Mark. When she was on her way over I was...well, I was licking Michael's balls actually, and he got a text from this new guy that's he's VERY into (Jonathan)...he asked Michael how his day was going (he knew Michael was with me) - Michael texted back "It's ok. Wish I was with you. But it's ok" - OUCH. He told me not to read too much into it and that he was just trying to make him happy. The thing is...Michael lies constantly and once you catch him in a lie it's hard to know who's being lied to - but he said that if he wasn't having a good time with me or didn't want to see me he just wouldn't see me. The whole encounter really threw me off but I managed to bounce back a bit.

Heather got lost so we met her somewhere then took her to Michael's and then to our condo. We chilled for a few and then walked to Aut Bar where everybody got drinks but me (I'd had a snack at the condo and my tummy was upset). The mayor of Ann Arbor came in and chatted with Mark...he also chatted up some lady. We went to Starbucks so I could get a carmel frap. Fun. Walked to Pizza House. Had cinnomon sticks. Went to Pinball Pete's...played Adams Family with Heather, DDR with Heather, 4 player air hockey and 4 player pool. Headed back home. Starting around then Jonathan kept up a running text conversation with Michael that didn't end until hours later. It was annoying and painful because I see Michael so rarely...and it was like he wasn't really WITH me. And this guy knew we were together and was barging in on that. Plus it reminded me of when Michael used to get texts from guys that I later learned he was cheating with. I got very depressed very fast. I was like a zombie. I started getting hospital flashbacks on top of that and seriously considered suicide. Mark saved my life with a text he sent me as Michael & I were driving Heather back to her car.

After Heather left, Michael and watched some DS9; he saved the final arc to watch with me and I've been looking forward to it for months...only Jonathan kept texting him. After 2 episode Michael announced it was bedtime and all but ran to the bed, leaving me behind and when I did get in there weren't any cuddles - and his clothes stayed on.

I woke up when he got up 4 hours later. We watched more Trek. Enterprise ("Sleeping Dogs" & "Shuttlepod One") & DS9 ("Strange Bedfellows & "The Changing Face of Evil") - I fell asleep during the latter and Michael sent me to bed saying he wasn't tired. Also, when watching Trek, he got a call from a guy named Jay about a date they're having tonight (Michael's gonna fuck him). I woke up a few hours later from odd dreams to find Michael asleep, having fallen asleep during the next episode he tried to watch. I was tempted to read the texts in his phone but knew that it would upset me so resisted. I had a snack. My belly was upset. Michael woke briefly and I told him I was sad I never got my orgasm and that we'd never really cuddled. He said he was going back to sleep for another hour and layed on the couch (where I obviously couldn't lay with him) - I asked if he wanted to cuddle and he said no...and when I said I was leaving he didn't bother to get up and hug me goodbye...or even say goodbye. It was pretty horrible.

I drove home. It was sunny out and then dark and rainy, then sunny again. I told Mark about my night and then came and wrote this.

I feel pretty broken. Stupid. I hate that all these other men come before me in Michael's life now. Actually, I think they did before and I was just fooling myself. How could I be so FUCKING STUPID? Why can't I get over this? I know parts of the answer, but not all of it. It makes me feel pathetic and idiotic...and I still fucking miss him. I wish he was here and wanting to hold me. But he's not...and he doesn't. The guy that pursued me last year and proposed marriage to me twice and cheated and lied and hurt now gets to move on with all these other dates and a guy he's really into and I (no offense to any friends that are reading this) feel like I've got nothing. I'm hanging by a thread. I don't know what to do.

A year ago today I was at Cedar Point with Michael, Mark, friends & family.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:02 PM
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