Sunday, October 2, 2011

Ok. My stomach seems to be doing better. But I'm not sure.
Like...I bought a bunch of chocolate last night at Meijer with
Shawn...and I ate a pretty large portion of it, expecting it to
come back up, only it didn't. This is obviously a good thing.
Yet...I didn't take a pill when I ate so it's not the medication.
I'm confused. I am going to try eating smaller portions of
food this week to see if that helps. It's very hard though.

Also. Writing. I want to write this week. And maybe go on a
date. I'm not sure. I already have a lot going on this week. I
have 3 appointments. That's a lot for me. I have to pick up
Mark in about 12 hours. I think I'm going to lay down on my
fresh, clean sheets and watch Chelsea Lately, possibly
rewatch Who, and then sleep. Possibly. lol

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:49 AM
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I watched Chelsea Lately. I rewatched "The Impossible
Astronaut". My eyes are tired, but I can't seem to sleep which
is obnoxious. Ugh.

Mollie & I are going to try to Skype on Monday. Hopefully that
works. :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:46 AM
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Watched "Day of the Moon" after the last entry and eventually
slept. I was dreaming about Star Trek books when Mark woke
me up with a useless text. I've not been able to get back to
sleep and I have to be tomorrow so I guess I'm just gonna try
to stay up today and sleep tonight. That's the plan anyways.
lol

I kind of feel like working on my website. I have to leave to
get Mark in a little over an hour. I'm listening to a really
interesting mix. :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:22 AM
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   Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I picked Mark up on time on Sunday. We watched the
Doctor Who finale. I called Jim H, and explained why I
never went out with him again back in 2007, then we
made plans to hang out soon. I slept. I ate a full meal, with
no troubles. I hung out with Mark for a bit. It was a quiet
night but it was nice. I made plans with David for
Saturday.

I slept a bit Monday morning. Mark got me up for my
psych evaluation, which went well, I guess, though I'm not
sure how I feel about some of the things that came up.
Too soon to say if this will be helpful or not. I went home
afterward. I slept more. Sleep is apparently essential for
my stomach to work. Later I went out for food with Mark,
after which Mark sprang the news on me that he'll be
moving in December for sure or sooner...this was very
upsetting to hear. I'm trying my best to not fall apart,
which is really difficult...basically all that's been promised
to me for years is being tossed out in the trash so he can
be with Gen...which is a betrayal on a level I've never
experienced before, so it's hard for me to process because
I love him so much.

A bit later we met my new friends Ilyssa & Sarah at a shop
and went to Starbucks where the cute guy behind the
counter was nice to me for a change, and commented that
he'd never seen my eyes before because I usually have my
sunglasses on. We went to Aut Bar briefly where we saw
Jeff & Calvin, then headed home where we chilled until it
was time for us all to get ready to go to Necto (everyone
except Mark, who was on the phone with Gen). Necto was
fun, if fairly uneventful. Lots of fun dancing with my
friends. I hardly drank at all. I ran into Adam's old friend
Wendy; I knew her (barely) back in 1995 or so, and we
didn't get along at the time, but it was nice to see her
now.

After the bar, I parted ways with my friends and came
home. My ears were ringing for a very long time after the
bar, which is odd, because the music didn't seem any
louder than usual. I watched the new installment of The
Sarah Jane Adventures before sleeping.

I woke up a few times. I've been trying to reorganize my
website, which I have a lot of ideas about, but it's a
struggle. I'm sure it will be worth it once I have it updated,
but for now it's not a lot of fun...it's a lot of work. It's fairly
nice out and I feel like I should maybe go out, yet I have to
be places on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday &
Sunday, so I'm thinking I might just stay in and work on
my site and try to relax.

Today marks 15 years since I last slashed my wrists. Also,
it's Anne Rice's birthday.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:40 PM
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I've begun working on new galleries for my website. It's very
time consuming, but I think they're going to look great when
I'm finished. I'm gonna take a break now though.

I was planning on staying in and doing nothing tonight, but
Charles needs to do laundry so he's spending the night,
which should be fun. :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:07 PM
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   Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The visit with Charles went extremely well. He's sleeping and
I should do so soon. I just watched last night's Glee...and
while I generally enjoy the show, it's not usually
fantastic...but last night's episode was stunning...amazing
television. :) I cried.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:46 AM
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   Friday, October 7, 2011

Wednesday night was kind of touch and go. There were some
dark moments. I need to find a roomie. Not happy about
that. But I'm trying to be.

Thursday I had therapy in the morning, then a visit with JV &
Mark. Then home to sleep. Then another walk (the weather
was beautiful). Then Mark & I hit LC, home, and then Gen's
where I left Mark. I traded e-mails with David, who I'm seeing
on Saturday / Sunday. I talked to Mollie on Skype. I later
talked to Jim, who I'm now seeing Sunday night instead of
tonight - which is fine, I think. I traded some texts with
Michael S, who was worried about me. And I'm going to bed
soon. I have a bit of a headache, actually.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:19 AM
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I missed my appointment today. I talked to Mike though and
rescheduled it. My stomach was iffy today and I did almost
nothing. I feel lika zombie...like I'm on something, only I've
not taken anything. And I feel oddly stressed. I'm not sure
what's going on in my brain but I'm struggling to snap out of
it.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:36 PM
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   Thursday, October 13, 2011

The headache this morning got worse, and worse, and
worse, and better, then worse. I finished washing Mark's
laundry and made him breakfast. Then I went to bed.

I slept well, and woke up with no pain. This is good. Mark
made some comments the other day which made it sound
like me driving him out to Gen's is really draining and that
we might be in trouble...and today is when I usually drop
him off so I'm not clear on what's happening. I think it's a
little unfair for him to go there for 4 or 5 days of the week
and then blame me for wanting to have access to a car
during that time. If he only went 1 day a week. Maybe 2,
then it probably wouldn't be an issue for either of us, but
he goes 4 nights a week, which is basically 5 days; that
leaves 2 days where I have access to the car. And he's
gone on Fridays & Saturdays when everything is going on
too. It sucks. I've made my peace with dropping him off
and picking him up. He says it's not fair to Gen to have to
pick him up or drop him off because it costs her more
money, yet, if she's giving him gas money to come there
he hasn't told me, which means that for her, having me
drop him off is completely free; that's quite a savings for
her; it seems like she should be giving him some gas
money, you know? If she really wants him there and he's
the one doing almost all of the driving. It just doesn't
seem fair to Mark.

I got a lot of work done on my website last night, but I
think I need to tear myself away from my computer and
take a shower and maybe a walk if I have time.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:47 PM
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I just need to wash my whites and all my laundry will be
done.

I took that shower! It felt AMAZING :)

It looks pretty scary outside so I'll probably skip the walk. I'm
gonna mix a new cd for the car I think and then get dressed /
put my clothes away.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:18 PM
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Mark's home. He looks terrible. Not physically...just worn
out. He says that he has some good news for me, though he
hasn't told me what it is. He also said that he and Gen are
fighting, which, is why he's depressed, but he hasn't said
why...and I'm terrified that it's because of me, because they
seem to fight about me a lot, and it makes me feel terrible.
Actually, anytime Mark tells me that he has something to tell
me lately my stomach drops because it's almost always
something horrible.

Aside from that, my night is going pretty well. The headache
is still gone. My laundry is put away. I'm working on this new
section of my NEW galleries, which seem to be working out
well. I'm making so much progress! :)

I'm listening to Tori Amos singing "A Case of You". :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:43 PM
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   Friday, October 14, 2011

Last night got crazy. Gen & Mark were fighting about
money and me. It was stressful and horrible. Mark & I
watched an episode of Glee and I ate, which was a
mistake. I think I would have been ok if I could have taken
a Xanax but I was waiting to drive Mark to Gen's...which I
eventually did around midnight after a long, emotional
talk with Mark about everything that's going on. We cried.
He said he was sorry for hurting me and breaking his word
to me and tried to make me feel better.

I went to Aut Bar on my way home. Saw Tom & Jeff. Met a
bunch of people. It was a good time. I worked on my
website most of the night. I took a nap before my therapy
appointment, which went really well. It was raining so I
wore my pscycho straight jacket trench coat, which was a
hit with pretty much everyone I encountered. My session
turned out to not be the last, and I'll be seeing Mike again
next Friday.

I visited Johnny at Wendy and met some people. Much
discussion of Doctor Who / Torchwood followed. Johnny
told me he's cut back on the drinking. Nice. I hope it lasts.
He deserves to be happy.

Later I traded texts with Michael. Not sure how that went...

And finally I slept. I slept for about 4 hours I think? Maybe
5. I woke up feeling fine. Not sure what I'll get up to
tonight.

I was planning on working on my new galleries for my site,
but there's a glitch and Mark might be able to fix it, but I
may have to do something far more radical...so I'm gonna
have to put that on hold until he gets back, which SUCKS.
Trying not to worry about that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:46 PM
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   Sunday, October 16, 2011

My plans for Friday night were cancelled again. Stayed in.
I've been stressed all weekend but struggling to not let it
get to me. I just feel anxious for some reason. Saturday I
managed to get my ass out of the condo for a short walk,
which was cut short by the powerfully chilly wind...and
Mark's asking to have me pick him up Monday morning
instead of Sunday afternoon. That spoiled my plans for
Sunday night. And I know I'm not going to get any sleep
Sunday night now, which I was hoping to do so I could be
up on Monday. It's hard for me to sleep when I know that I
have to, if that makes any sense. I start worrying that I
won't wake up and then I can't sleep.

Sunday morning I caught up on Clone Wars. The opening
3 parter had some nice visuals, but over all I was
bored...some of the dialogue hurt my head too. Yet the
next episode, a standalone, which had a lot in common
with the previous 3 (underwater drama, the gungans, Jar
Jar), yet I liked this one a lot more. I'm not sure why. The
next 2 episodes were a 2 part story centered on C-3PO &
R2-D2 - which were adorable and even managed to
feature some political commentary. Nice. I don't think
there's a new episode on this week.

I slept for 12 hours. I read some of David's poetry that he
was kind of enough to share, which was a blast. I love
reading other peoples' work. I ate. I took a bath. I tried
very hard to relax as I was feeling stressed. I managed to
keep food down and that's progress. I gave my friend
Charles a ride home from work; he was supposed to come
over and do laundry and chill with me tonight but he
wasn't feeling up to it, so my plans for tonight fell through
again. Not sure what I'm gonna do now.

Oh. And I wrote a poem for Sean M., who I will have known
for 10 years this coming Tuesday. October 18, 2001 -
October 18, 2011. Nice :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:52 PM
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   Monday, October 31, 2011

Hung out with Aaron & Charles last night, though we didn't
end up doing anything. We ate (which I was feeling oddly
sensitive about) and then started watching Doctor Who, but
Charles, who was really out of it, went to bed. Aaron and I
cuddled for a bit and then I fell asleep way earlier than I'd
have expected to. Aaron went home. I woke up around 5am I
think, not sure of what to do. I wanted to walk up to Aaron's
to cuddle with him more but wasn't sure if I could get in, and
also Charles was asleep on the floor downstairs. Mark is on
his way home. What an odd sort of night. I'd really like to
take a calming bath but I suspect Mark will be wanting a
shower when he gets home so I'll skip it so he has access
before he goes to work.

Happy Halloween. R.I.P. River Phoenix. 18 years later. Hard to
believe.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:39 AM
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