Sunday, April 26, 2009

Thursday, April 23:

After the last entry on Thursday, Mark got up and I wished him happy birthday. We talked. Later we showered while I was shaving; trying to get ready for when Michael would arrive. Michael arrived while we were in the shower so he was stuck outside. When we got out I saw my phone was blinking and then let Michael in. I was in a really good mood. My bottom wasn't hurting as much as it had been in previous days, and I'd made Mark laugh in the shower on his birthday by singing Disney songs to him! lol. Things were good.

Michael seemed to be in an odd mood, but he kept telling me it was just my imaginiation, which irked me...because I knew something was wrong. We got ready, and Michael drove us to Red Robin, where we mostly had a great time, though Michael's odd vibe continued to distress me. I thought it might have something to do with Mark & I showering together, but Michael already knew that we did that and had told me he didn't bother him, since Mark and I haven't had sex in years and it's just not a sexual activity for us in any way...so I thought maybe I really was just being paranoid....

Anyways - Mark had a great meal, and he got the singing and clapping and ice cream treatment, then opened his gifts from Michael, who got Mark more than one thing that he wanted, which surprised Mark, and made him smile a lot. ;-0)

Later we went to Mark's work to play pool and Rock Band. I got a call from ex-bf Travis to see how I was doing and he wished Mark happy birthday. Michael's odd mood became more pronounced as the night wore on. Mark thanked us for a great night, and thanked me for coming out with him, and doing what he wanted for his birthday.

When we got home, Mark went inside and I stayed in the car to confront Michael, who was still saying that nothing was wrong. Only there was. And it was indeed the shower thing. He said he knew that we did that every once in awhile, and it wasn't his place to tell me not to do it (as we've only been going out for 3 weeks) but that it made him crazy jealous... I understood where he was coming from, but was hurt that he'd told me he was ok with it first, and then that he had lied about there not being any trouble through most of the night when I'd have preferred that he had told me that something was wrong but that he didn't feel comfortable talking about it. He got that...and we had quiet moments before I went inside for the last 3 minutes of Mark's birthday. He texted me after I got out of the car telling me he felt terrible and that he had messed up. He'd hurt me, but I wasn't even close to thinking of ending things with him; it was just something we needed to deal with and all couples have stuff like that.

I wished Mark a happy birthday one last time just before midnight.

Friday, April 24:

Then after the clock had struck midnight and his birthday was officially over I had a talk with him about what Michael was upset about. Mark said he understood Michael's position, as he'd been jealous of Michael when he saw us making out in a hot tub the previous weekend... See, Mark has these feelings about me...which have never come to the surface with previous boyfriends. And I know less about them than Michael does, because he has these nightly chats with Mark on AIM and they talk about stuff like this. So Mark & Michael like each other as friends, but they both feel slightly threatened by one another, which seems to have come out of nowhere from where I'm standing.

Mark has been my boyfriend, my lover, my partner, my friend, my family, my everything. He will always be a part of me. ALWAYS. He will always be my family. But we don't work as a couple and we both know that. We even talked about that. Michael is the man I'm dating. Our relationship is new, and fun, and intense and lovely. But emotions are complicated and Mark is figuring his out, and what they mean for him. And Michael is doing the same. And I'm mostly just waiting for them to work that stuff out. I know how I feel about Mark, because that's how I've felt for years and years. I know how I feel about Michael. I love him. I'm not 'in love with him', but I love him. Sometimes it feels like we've been dating for months, but it's really only been about 3 weeks. These things take time...and they always will. And while part of me feels very wrapped up in Michael and his world - and I love that - part of me is still in shock that I've found someone...and is more realistic...and realizes we've only known each other a very short time. Emotions are complicated.

I asked Mark if he would be upset if we stopped showering together. I mean, I'd already told Mark that Michael & I would stop open-mouth kissing in front of him so as not to upset him, even though Mark said that it was his problem and that he'd deal with it and that I shouldn't change my behavior for him. So...I was asking Mark if we could do the same for Michael and end the showering sessions...but the thing is...I know that Mark loves the showers. It's hard to explain to people because they get hung up on the fact that we're naked in the shower, but after 12 years of living together nudity just isn't even a factor in such things. It's not erotic. It's not sexual. It's just us, talking. And for some reason when we're in the shower we talk about certain things and laugh in a certain way that I know Mark treasures and he said as much - that he would miss them terribly. I told him that for now we'd just play it by ear, and that we'd cross that bridge if we came to it. Michael, for his part told me that he wouldn't tell me to stop the showers - but the thing is, I would give them up for Michael. Willingly. I would miss them. A lot. But it's not like I would lose Mark by giving up the shower time. And for those that think that would stop us from seeing each other naked (as if that were some type of problem) it just wouldn't. I'm almost always naked at home, and sometimes Mark is too. It's just the way of things. Why do people get hung up on this stuff? I don't get it. Or not completely.

I slept well on Friday. When I woke up, Mark was up and getting ready to shower. He went to hang out with his dad & step-mom. He had a fun time. I read in the news that they're making a new Predator movie, called Predators - I emailed DJ (a Predator fan) to give him the details, and wondered what Mollie would think about the news. I stayed home because Michael was coming over after work. He arrived around 7pm. I had showered and shaved again. We had a good night, though we mostly stayed in. We did go to LC & Taco Hell. It was a good night, with lots of cuddling, and talking. I slept and so did Michael, but I don't think we got as much sleep as we would sleeping separately. I'm still not as comfortable with someone in my bed as it takes to let me get that much sleep. And for the record - I can't sleep with Mark anymore either - we've tried it...and I'm just not used to having someone next to me all through the night anymore.

Saturday, April 25:

I got out of bed around 9am, though Michael was still in bed. I started writing in my blog, but then my stomach got really, REALLY upset. The pain was terrible. I'd have thought I was dying, only I've experienced this many times before...though I've not had this symptom in months thanks to a random diet factor that I had stumbled upon. I rode the pain out and took a bath, feeling a lot better, though I had minor stomach cramps throughout the day.

We had sex several times. Michael's constantly hard around me, which I take as a huge compliment, but it also makes me crave him more than I might otherwise. I see his erection and my mind has a 'hard' time concentrating on anything else. lol.

We tried watching Caprica Friday night but the neighbors were really loud and distracting, so we put it on hold. We watched it Saturday morning. Michael fell asleep a few times but claims that he enjoyed it. I loved it. I had been afraid that it would be crappy and ruin parts of BSG, but it's very cool - plus it answers some BSG questions while very much feeling like it's own thing. I'm really excited about the series next year, and wondering what Mollie will think of it.

Speaking of Mollie, I called her on Saturday and left her a message saying that she was scaring me now and that I'd really appreciate a message letting me know she was ok. She texted me soon after to say she was fine and that she would call me when her phone was charged.

It rained several times on Saturday. We eventually went to Kroger where Michael insisted on buying me groceries. I wouldn't have let him, except I did actually need the help with cash. I feel guilty about accepting though. I'd much rather I had the money, and he offered to help and I could turn him down, but I've never been good about accepting gifts (it often takes me months to accept that something that was given to me is actually mine) - and money from anyone. Mark is the exception here, just because we've seen every side of one another and we've both helped each other out on many levels on many different occasions, so I know where I'm standing with him, where Michael & I...we're just finding our way...so it feels odd. Michael tells me to get used to it; that he's part of my life now and I have to accept that. I do. I just...I look forward to the time when I have money of my own again and can buy stuff for him. ;-0)

Later we played Wii. We played Super Mario Galaxy. You actually help each other out by playing together so we were a team on multiple levels. It was so much fun!!! We need more games like that! We played for several hours.

Michael could have stayed over again; he wasn't due in to work on Sunday until after noon, and he wanted to stay. I was exhausted though and needed to sleep. And I also wanted to start reading an old Peter David Trek book I'd been meaning to read since it's release in 2001 (Q-In-Law), but had only now made the time for (and purchased last year). I also wanted to read Caprica reviews...and I also knew that Michael often came to see me and didn't get stuff done at his home - AND that we could probably use & need time apart to think...and chill and stuff.

Michael left. I was really tired but fooled around online for a few hours. Michael & I traded texts. Later I jacked off again...thinking about Michael made me horny. I cleaned up and headed to bed (which felt amazing, and so comfortable) where I read the first 2 chapters of Q-In-Law and then went right to sleep. Just after getting in bed, but before the book I realized that Mollie had never called me back and I texted her a message asking if her phone was charged yet.

Sunday, April 26:

I just woke up about 10 minutes ago. I know I had good dreams. The last part of the last dream involved me and some friends driving out to an old deserted farmhouse across the road from another farmhouse that was not deserted. The people across the way, including a pretty girl all talked with Southern accents though we weren't in the South. We were supposed to be getting things from the barn...my family had paid for the barn, but I wasn't sure about the farmhouse. I called Janice and left her a message asking if we could enter the house as well. Then I entered the house anyways. It was old and dusty, but it was just sort of abandoned...there were many items you wouldn't expect people to leave behind. I walked over to a book shelf and found some old Marvel Hero coloring books that were basically lamenated in plastic wrap, but you could tell it was done by hand...that someone had really cared about them. I flipped through the pages and they were all colored; they looked very good, and each page had that same plastic wrap. I wondered if a child had colored them and then had an adult cared so much to protect their work? Or had the child grown and done this? In the dream I assumed the artist had been a boy, but perhaps it was a girl. I woke up soon after that with people mowing our lawn (don't think they've ever done this on a Sunday before)...feeling haunted. The images of the abandoned thing; the haunting pictures with untold origins; the pretty girl across the road...in my mind after waking I placed the once cherished coloring books into a glass case in my 'home', to wonder and dream about... And I hoped that I'd dream about the house again.

After waking I saw I had a text from Michael asking if I'd slept ok. I texted back saying I had. He called me back right away to let me know he was at work (though he was supposed to go in at 4:30pm) because a coworker needed to be at a baby shower. He also said the day has not gone well; that part of his closet fell down on him, and hurt him. I asked him if I could call him back, the sleep still evident in my voice, so that I could write about the dream I'd had which I was holding onto as much as possible. He said that was fine and I could do whatever I wanted. ;-0)

I checked and Mollie never called or texted me back. ;-0-(

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:17 PM
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