Friday, May 15, 2009

I slept until about 5:30am. Good dreams. Felt rested.

Mark was awake.

My stomach was a bit upset

My ass is hurting again. It's never been like this before, where I have this pain for days and then it goes away and then returns. I have the number for a specialist, but I was told he probably wouldn't be able to help me unless my problems were more severe. My problems have become more severe since then, but probably not as severe as they need to be.

I ate.

Mark reminded me we're going to see about getting me food stamps today. He's very positive about it. I once tried to get food stamps around 1998 and the experience was so horrible that I never wanted to go back. Mark will be with me this time, so it might be better. But my stomach is upset from thinking about it. I threw up in the shower. That's 3 days in a row that I've been vomiting again, even though I've been taking the magic pills. I'm starting to feel worn down again, after only 3 days, though I think part of that is I simply haven't been able to just chill on my own. This will most likely change by Sunday. Then I can catch up on TV, read, and chill until the storm passes.

There are messages on my phone from Michael who got out of work around the time I went back to bed last night. He's probably getting off early today before he comes over. I have no idea how I'll be feeling when he comes over - I've been keeping my spirits up even though my symptoms of late haven't been that great; I don't know how long I can keep that up though.

Not sure what we're doing tonight. I'd consider cancelling and just chilling in the dark in my room, but Michael & I have very few chances to see one another, and to see him today & tomorrow is a rare gift that I feel I must take advantage of while I have the chance. My health can wait a few days. And perhaps I'll feel better as we go.

I'm starting to feel like I did those 7 years when I was constantly feeling ill. I don't like it. It haunts me. What if the pills have stopped working? What if my brief relief is all I'll get?

Michael is going away for Memorial Day Weekend and he really wants me to go, but I don't do lakes; I don't do sun; I don't do anything that has to do with that kind of vacation. And I don't want to hang out somewhere (I don't want to be) while everyone around me is doing the things they actually DO want to be doing. I don't want to bring everyone down. And I think it will help for me, in my current state at least, to chill here where I'm comfortable and don't have to worry about anything or suffer long car trips. I considered going for a few weeks, but the timing is really bad for me...which makes me feel guilty because Michael won't let it drop - and obviously wants me by his side. It's this constant pressure, though every time he brings it up he says there's no pressure. I think that because I've been so good at putting a happy face on how I'm feeling that he thinks I'd be fine up there, when really...I wouldn't be, and I know it. It's become this thing that I just want to be over with. The trip I mean. And I hate feeling like a disappointment, when I already feel disappointed enough that I can't just go and do whatever because of my stomach. It's really, really depressing when I think about it, so I just try to put it out of my mind.

So, my friend Tony is in town tonight. I'd like to see him, but I don't know if that will happen. I got most of my sleep last night, and it doesn't look like I'll be getting any more today - or probably not. Meaning I'll most likely be tired tonight.

I guess I feel good, yet I'm also weary and kind of frayed around the edges. Broken. But trying to enjoy my life. But sometimes I have moments of exhaustion that make the enjoyment part a lot harder. I hope this segment of my life will pass quickly. I just want to lay down and cry sometimes.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:21 AM
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