Friday, May 22, 2009

My memory is a curse sometimes. It traps me, and torments me...yet I remember good times just as well. 15 years ago today I was working at Target; I shaved my head for the first time, met my cousin Mike's girlfriend (now his wife); outed him in front of many of our relatives, and went to the bar where I met my friend Paul Ferguson. 9 years ago today Mollie, Carrie & Adam & I got a flat tire on the way to some cabin up state and were trapped in historical christian hell; at least the hot tub was fun. And...I don't remember the year, but it was after 1986 & before 1991, my cousin Jeff was in an accident this weekend and while he survived he's never been the same...and I lost the guy that gave me my first kiss. All of these memories are swirling in my head. Some of them are funny. Some of them are erotic. Some of them are painful. When I remember those times, I remember who I was then, and the early memories are...like being thrown down in a basement that once held you prisoner. This is all mixed together with my usual wishy washy lack of ability to plan things, and skipping out on the weekend with Michael, even though I did want to spend the weekend with him. So many ghosts are haunting me at once that it's overwhelming me. I was just laying in my bed, crying. And I know it's beautiful outside, and that people are out enjoying the holiday weekend, but...I feel trapped in the past...and I'm not sure how to escape. Part of me even likes being trapped and visiting these old times. I have a bottle of wine that I got the other day and I have this romantic image of me drinking this wine and toasting Jeff & my 1994 self, and my fun memories of Mollie & Carrie & Adam. But I could do that with Michael, couldn't I? Except I don't have any clothes to wear, and I haven't packed or shaved or showered or planned for any of this... I feel...sad. I feel...it's hard to explain, but I used to feel this way, a lot, when I was younger and had very little control over my life, and now...it's like I'm stuck in my mind...and I'm drifting. I'm not depressed exactly; just caught in this current of memory. It will pass. I just wish I could have avoided it altogether.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:12 PM
   [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [Comments Welcome Here]