Tuesday, June 2, 2009

woke up around 1pm. Somehow I hurt my back. I sometimes sleep on it wrong, but I think I probably hurt it coming up the stairs the other day. I'm extremely clumsy and I almost fell, and I had to move in an odd way to prevent that, and I think that hurt my back. I have a fucked up back, and the doctors tell me it's really easy for me to mess it up. Thankfully I don't mess it up too often, but I'm telling you right now this is the worst back pain I've had in years. It feels like it's spreading out.

I got a text from Michael. Apparently, Jesse, who is quickly becoming very, very annoying - told Michael this morning, that I had chatted with Caleb and that during that chat we talked about hooking up. What Jesse didn't know was that I'd already told Michael that Celeb and I had talked, and what we talked about. And while we did briefly (like in the course of 2 sentences of the chat) discuss our almost hooking up last year, we did not discuss hooking up in the here and now in any capacity beyond us all hanging out, as a group (not in an orgy kind of way). This leaves me thinking that either Jesse feels threatened by me, or he's just a vindictive bitch. Even if he does feel threatened by me, I'm the wronged party here. First he hit on my boyfriend (after moving in with him); then he tries starting shit again when he's moved on to another boy (or to one guy, and then another guy; he's on the rebound from yet another guy, so I won't call him an outright ho). I think when Michael turned him down on my behalf he got burned and now sees me as an obstacle, even if he's not after Michael anymore. This is the kind of pointless drama that I've managed to avoid in the last year, and I'm annoyed that it's cropping up now. Oh. And did I mention that Jesse used to chat with me years ago too? And that he friended me on gay.com, and implied that he was interested in me (though I wasn't interested back)? Now that I think about it, finding out that Michael (who he's hot for) and I (who he used to like) are a couple must stir some emotions in him. Then for him to go from Michael to Phil (whom Michael had sletp with last year), then to Caleb (who almost hooked up with me last year) might drive anyone crazy. Hmmm. It's Small Small Small Small Gay Gay Gay Gay World. But he hit on my man when he knew we were together, so I call that shit KARMA...and slightly funny.

There's only one guy I'm interested in having a relationship (or even just sex) with at the moment, and his name is Michael Glen Slaughter (also known as Colin in various circles). I get hit on when I'm online or at the bar. 99% of these men (and a few women) hold no interest for me at all, even when I'm single. I used to be annoyed by such attention, but I've learned to take it as a compliment and nothing more; I even appreciate it because I know there might come a time when people don't find me attractive - so why not accept these advances in the spirit that they're given? But I don't take most of them seriously is my point. The 1% that I do find attractive are often unavailable or undesirable depending on multiple factors, or even if they are available, I'm not. I cheated once, over a decade ago, and the experience taught me that cheating doesn't give me a thrill and it doesn't turn me on, and I don't find it fun or exciting or attractive...so I don't cheat. I do notice when other people are hot (and I don't expect my partners to not be attracted to others - that's just silly), and I often tell them when I think they're hot but that's as far as it goes. That's part of me complimenting people when I can, which started years ago, and is one of the aspects of myself that I like. I like to think that it balances some of my darker humor that annoys some people. But like I said, that's as far as it goes. When I used to write poetry all the time (something I miss) I used to write hot sexy poetry about people I found attractive, even if I was in a relationship, as I saw that as a healthy outlet for such tension. But even when I'm single, I can't just randomly hook up with people, which Michael CAN do, and often used to, right up to the point where he met me. For me, there has to be something more than just the physical attraction for me to not regret the activity. I've learned that by my own experiences. I understand that I'm probably a minority in the way I feel, and that's fine. I don't expect others to be exactly like me, but that's how I am, and I'm ok with that. If I'm attracted to a guy, but that other connection isn't there for me, I'd rather just jack off. Oh, and I'm not one of those guys who doesn't jack off, or doesn't enjoy it, who always feels the need to have sex with another guy (or girl) to get off, and I'm glad I'm not. That would drive me crazy! But I know LOTS of guys who ARE like that. Michael is one of them, and while I don't understand them, I know it's fairly common (I encounted those guys all the time), where as if I get horny, and I'm on my own I don't go looking for a guy to satisfy me - I just dial direct and then hop in the shower, because if I'm going to be with someone it isn't about satisfying a sexual craving; at least not to that degree. I do (for the most part) enjoy sex with a partner to sex with myself, but I don't pursue men to fill that desire - that's just a really great bonus....

Anyways...I've ranted enough.

Before I wrote this, I called Michael about the text and we talked and talked (and it was good) and Mark, who was getting ready for work came in and was nice enough to get me a water and some ibuprofen for my back. Mark also showed me his new haircut which he thought he'd messed up, but I honestly couldn't see what he was talking about in my dim lighted room with my glasses off. I'm sure he'll find some way to fix it; he's so much better at that sort of thing than I ever was or ever will be. He's sweet.

Michael eventually let me go so he could get ready for work. Before that I shouted out how much I loved him and he told me that I make him feel really good, which made me smile. Now I'm on my own. I ate and took some pain killer, which is kicking in and making me foggy. I do seem to take a lot of pain killer...but sadly, I have a lot of pain, so I guess that's just part of my survival. I do have days and sometimes weeks where I don't take any, but I seldom realize this until I need more and then I realize how long it's been and I'm always a bit shocked. That's sad...isn't it?

So Torchwood Season 3 (which hasn't aired yet) will be out on DVD on July 28; the same day as BSG 4.5, and the recent Doctor Who special, "Planet of the Dead". What's odd is that they've not released the previous Doctor Who special, "The Next Doctor", and I'm wondering why that's not been released, and if they'll release it as part of a boxed set with the other specials? and I'll have to buy this one twice or something? They've just never released them out of sequence before, which has me slightly worried. The other news about Torchwood is cool, because it means I'll soon have Season 3, and it's cheaper than previous seasons as there are 8 less episodes this season (which sucks, but saves my limited funds).

About the new Doctor Who; the 11th Doctor, and his coming to the screen, with a new companion, and a new head writer, and a new production team, and a new TARDIS, and a new everything - in my head, it feels very much like My Doctor Who is ending and a new show is beginning. That might not be how it feels when it actually happens, but that's how it feels in my head. When the 9th Doctor regenerated, I felt slightly odd about that, but the show was pretty much the same show. Rose was still there, and they followed up on many of the same things that they'd done in the previous season, while having some cracking new adventures - though there was a new flavor to things. The same thing happened with the arrival of Martha Jones, and then Donna, but while each season has had at least one major cast change - this is seems a lot larger than that. This feels like the entire series is regenerating into something else. I'm not saying it will be terrible; I might love it. But what I am saying is that I'm a bit more worried about this transition than I've been about any of the other changes since the show's revival, because this really feels like the end of an era. I think Mollie feels the same. I believe Wendy commented on this feeling last time I saw her, and I be a lot of other people are experencing this the same way we are. This is why the upcoming specials are so thrilling.

And my back HURTS. And the painkiller is helping, but the back pain is annoying, and... I'm done.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:50 PM
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