Thursday, June 18, 2009

After the last entry, I actually ended up staying for another 4.5 hours. I worked on my cyber farm. I listened to the Caprica soundtrack (beautiful!) and later, NIN & Catherine Wheel. I watched some more Designing Women. And I eventually passed out.

I slept until around 2am, so about 4 hours. I worked on my farm some more. Answered e-mail. And I found that my phone, which had died at the store yesterday, was shut off. I assumed when I plugged it in to the charger and it lit up that it was now on. Only it wasn't. So when I turned it on I got a message from Mark, and several voicemails and texts from Michael - including news that he wanted to come over last night, and then news that he couldn't make at after all. I was almost grateful that I got the messages late as it would have really bothered me to have been cancelled on. Not because these things don't happen to me, but simply because I wanted to see Michael so badly.

I was going to go back to sleep, but I noticed that one of Michael's roomie's, Jesse, whom I've mentioned before, was annoying me again. The thing is, I never talked to him about when he bothered me because I thought it would blow over, but it was starting to build up and so I decided it was time to talk to him about this. The following exchanges happened (and have been given to Michael):

Jesse,

This is going to be a long message, and I'm sorry about that. I decide I want to talk about stuff and I just get going. Michael may have mentioned this. lol. But this is mostly a very serious message and I just want to preface it by saying that while I'm serious about all these things, I don't want you to think that I'm gunning for you because I'm not. I just don't like to keep things bottled up and things are starting to build up - and it's not healthy and it's not honest or helpful to pretend that it's not going on. So here are my thoughts in relation to you. Thanks for reading this.

Firstly, I see that you deleted all my comments on your page. I only gave you advice about that guy because you ASKED me. I'll refrain from such advice in the future as you apparently don't really want it. But just so we're clear, if the above message is any indication, you haven't understood my advice and you're certainly not following it (which is completely your choice). You don't seem to be happy on your own; as every message you post seems to be a rave about a nice thing some boy made about you. I hope it works out. I really do! But I also hope for a time when you don't have to depend on someone else to make you feel complete, happy, or whole.

Ever since you've come back into my life i've been trying to figure you out. I honestly don't know what to make of you. When we used to chat on gay.com you hinted that you liked me and then you disappeared. That didn't bother me at all, as I don't put much stock in such things. Gay.com people come and go all the time, and I was only ever interested in you as a friend anyways - and I've got plenty of those. lol. But that's how I met you. But the person I've come to know in recent weeks is a mass of contradictions. You're up. You're down. You're all around. One minute I want to strangle you and the next I'm worried if you're going to be ok or not. And I'm telling all this to you directly because 1) I don't want you to feel I'm talking about you behind your back. 2) It seems like the most decent thing to do. And 3) I like to dial direct. 4)It's the only way things can improve (communication is key).

So we met online ages ago, and then that didn't lead to friendship, but it turned out you were friends with Michael who I'd just started dating. Funny what a small world it is. But then you told Michael that you saw me at Backstreet when I wasn't there. I'm sure it was an honest mistake (there are a lot of bald gay boys these days), but you held on to that for a long time - which was annoying because I was telling Michael the truth about not being there. I've only ever been there twice in my whole life and I wasn't impressed either time. And on the night in question I was ill. Honest mistake or not, it could have caused trust issues between me & my bf at a key juncture - I'm just glad it didn't.

Then you moved in with my bf because you needed a place to stay. Nothing wrong with that. But while you're sharing his bed (because all the others were taken), you tell him that you have a crush on him - even though you knew he was dating me. Thankfully Michael reminded you he was dating me. Michael told me about this right after it happened, and asked me if it was a problem; both you sleeping in his bed, and you living there. I told him that I thought you were a good guy in general (despite me being annoyed and pissed off that you made a pass at him) and that I had no problem with you living there (you're welcome), but that the bed thing had to stop - so it stopped. I've been hurt a lot by people who pretended that they were my friends...so this incident between you two stirred old memories and hurt me more than you could probably understand. Yet Michael's actions made our relationship stronger, and his understanding of my feelings saved us from a bitter end.

Then over the next few weeks you talked about suicide. And then you were in love. Then you wanted to die. Then you wanted to date. And I stopped being angry at you, and started feeling sorry for you. You seem so lost! And I hate seeing anyone in that kind of turmoil, so I gave you another shot. I just wanted to give you a hug and tell you everything would be ok eventually.

But you're not making it easy.

There was the thing with Caleb. I'm not even sure this counts as this one could be a big misunderstanding. But you'd hung out with Caleb like less than 24 hours after being hurt by some other guy you'd fallen for (who's manhunt proflile says he's not interested in a 1 on 1 relationship - so he's pretty open about that - and he just happened to have slept with Michael a year ago, but I digress). I met Caleb once last year and made out with him at a bar. And we talk online and text randomly, so we have each others numbers; we've never actually spoken on the phone. I've never seen him again in person. I think he's attractive and funny and all kinds of other stuff. But for one reason or another we never hooked up and I was fine with that and I'm sure he is too; he probably doesn't even think about me. It didn't break my heart. I didn't even give it a second thought. And it didn't bother me at all to hear that you were hanging out with him. I thought it was cute and I hoped it would be something cool for you guys. I chatted to Caleb one night and we talked about the night we met. It wasn't anything important - and we definitely didn't talk about hooking up, though he suggested a double date might be fun, which I thought had potential. Only the next day I hear from Michael that Caleb texted you in the car and you explain my conversation with Caleb to Michael as Caleb & I talking about hooking up. Maybe Michael just didn't say that right (he sometimes chooses the wrong words and things come out different than he meant them) - but what it sounded like was that what was an innocent conversation between two guys who had a passing attraction for one another was now being distorted into some raunchy talk about hooking up in the present behind the backs of the boys they were seeing (if you guys were even seeing each other) - which was NOT the case. I was single for months and never called Caleb or made plans with him. And I'd be crazy to do so now. Michael is the best thing that's happened to me in years! He's just the most amazing guy I've met in ages...and I don't want to do anything to hurt him, or lose him. I wasn't looking for this. I wasn't looking for a relationship; a boyfriend or a lover. But I'll always be grateful that he found me and was honest with me and thoughtful of my feelings and worries. And I hope I've been the same for him.

Something else. You say things, and then later you take them back. Like when you bitched about your roomies talking about you behind your back, only later you say that you wrote that because you were bored - like that means it doesn't count, or you didn't mean it or something? Like you just say random things about people when you're bored. Which is just silly, because that kind of complaint it extremely common and completely valid. Roomies talk about each other behind their backs pretty constantly. It doesn't make any sense to suggest that the complaint was written out of boredom...or if it does, I just don't get it. Or when you said you wished you could be with your father soon, who when I asked, you told me was no longer alive - only to get offended when I mentioned this only days later (less than a week) - like we hadn't just talked about it. Or when you asked for my advice and then completely ignored it, distorted it, and then finally deleted it. Or when Michael leaves a message that he wants to talk to his boyfriend, and you say that you let him vent to you all the time (like it's the same thing - which could be construed as another pass btw) and then you write another comment 1 hour & 47 mintues later (after getting no response) saying you realize it's not the same.

Taking all this into account, I find it impossible to trust you and so I don't. I don't trust you. But I don't hate you. I don't want you to suffer and I'm not going to be mean to you unless you give me a reason to. lol I don't think you're a terrible person. I just think you have a lot of problems, and that you need to work through them, and I hope you're able to do that and live a long, happy, full life - with many friends. I even hope things work out with the new guy, though the timing of it in light of your other troubles seems really unhealthy. I'm even willing to give you 1 more chance and be your friend if you want me to be - but this odd double talk thing has to stop. Trust has to be earned. I won't just give it to you the way I did when I first met you, or heard that you were part of Michael's world.

I'll be giving a copy of this to Michael so he knows what's going on between us - because I don't want there to be any secrets between Michael and I.

And now all my cards are on the table. I've said everything I needed to say. And you can decide what happens next. Think about it. Get back to me. Or don't. It's up to you now.

Jason

He responded:

im not tring to come inbetween u or michael i let him vent to me only as a friend. i should of just lived on the streets maybe thats where i belong. the caleb thing there was nothing there at all. so sorry for missing my father. if its a big problem then tell michael to tell me to leave and ill try to find somewhere else to live so im not the problem btw u too.

[Incidentally, one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone uses the word of instead of have! And while punctuation doesn't have to be perfect (though it's nice), most people know how to capitalize the word "I"]

I responded:

That's not what I said. Please try to pay attention.

Michael asked my permission to let you live there, and I gave it. I still mean it, and would tell him the same thing today in a heartbeat. I don't want you living on the streets. As I've already told you, I don't hate you and I'm willing to be your friend.

Do you want to be my friend?

I just wanted you to know that I KNOW what has gone on, and things aren't great between you & I. If I just ignored this then I'd end up hating you and I don't want that. So please don't misinterpret these messages as some kind of attack on you. I'm expressing my feelings - and part of those feelings is that I don't want anything bad to happen to you. I don't think you're evil or something to be thrown out on the streets.

And I didn't say anything about you 'missing your father'; miss him all you want; that's completely normal. But you were talking about WANTING TO DIE - which is completely different, and you know it! You can miss the dead without wanting to join them in the near future. Your first message blatantly said "I want to die" - then the next one was about hoping you'd be with your father soon (who you later told me was dead) - which means that in order to be with him again soon you would also have to be dead. Do you see how people might be concerned about someone who said those things?

I would never tell Michael to get rid of you. Never. The thing is, even though you're behavior has annoyed me in the past, I've never, ever been threatened by it. I don't think Michael will ever cheat on me and if he wanted too there woudl be NOTHING that I could do about it. So not having you there wouldn't solve any thing. Either he loves me or he doesn't. Either he'll be faithful or he won't. And if I have to make him get rid of people in his life to keep him from cheating then I'm not interested in being in a relationship with him because that's no way to live. I only asked him to stop the bed thing because at that point I wasn't sure how far you were going to take this crush of yours, and things can happen when you're asleep that would never happen when you're fully awake.

Do you understand what I mean?

If you don't then let me know and I'll try to explain it again. The point of these messages is to clear up any confusion between us.

I don't hate you.
I don't want you on the streets.
I don't want you to suffer.

Do you understand those sentences? I mean them.

But I do want you to stop pretending that I'm insulting your father or your feelings about him when you were talking about something completely different.

And I do want to make sure you know that I'm aware that you made a pass at my boyfriend right after you moved into his house, while sharing his bed, even though you knew I was dating him.

And I do want you to know that despite that, I was part of the decision making process that allowed gave you a place to live.

I've been more of a friend to you than you've been to me. And that's what's bothering me. If you want to be my friend, then let me know, and if you don't, then just be civil when we're around one another. That's all I ask. And I don't think it's asking for too much.

- Jason

And so far no response. I need to take a nap or something.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:26 AM
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