Tuesday, June 30, 2009

At about 4am I worked on Michael's farm on Facebook. I'm able to do this because I have his password, as he's encouraged me to have complete access to his life and no secrets between us. I resisted this openess at first, yet his point was made. He wanted me to trust him, and knew that I'd been hurt by men in the past, which made trusting another nearly impossible. He's told me I can read his e-mails, which I don't do. He's made sure to post to all his online profiles (gay.com, myspace, facebook, manhunt) that he's in a relationship with me. He does this to ease my mind, and it's worked.

When I went to his page I noticed that he'd left a chat open on his facebook between himself and my best friend Mollie. It was minimized and I assumed he'd meant to close it, as he's left other chats like this in the past. I was just going to close it by click on the little x but I missed (my hands are often shakey) and I maximized the conversation instead. I was still going to close it, but my eye caught the name Adam. Michael was asking Mollie if I knew Adam. This made me think that Michael must know Adam, so I scrolled down this fragment (of a much larger conversation that I felt no need to read) to see what the context was, and was floored by the revelation that Michel was trying to get Mollie out here to visit for a party.

I almost fell off my chair. I almost screamed. I almost cried. I almost called Michael. I almost called Mark. I almost called Mollie. I almost did all of these things, but ended up doing none of them. I was so in shock; so overwhelmed by such a mix of emotions that I couldn't clearly identify them. I completely zoned out. I was numb. I was nothing. I finished the work on Michael's farm, while I cried. Then I got sick. Then I cried some more. I tried to sleep, but I had to pick up Mark in an hour.

When I picked up Mark, I was still numb. I was almost certain that Mark was in the know about the party, but I didn't want to talk to him about it. I wanted to talk to Michael. So I didn't tell Mark that I knew, and that I was suffering and that I was confused and that I was all torn up inside over what to feel and what to think. It was...horrible. Mark's coworker Sean asked me how things were going and I tried to smile and say I was fine, but I don't think it was very convincing. Mark didn't seem to notice though, or if he did, he didn't press for details, for which I'm grateful.

When we got home, Mark went to bed, and I tried to process all the emotions I was feeling. Slowly I started understanding the onslaught I'd been subjected too, and why I couldn't sort it all out at first. It was just too much.

Now you're probably wondering what the big deal is, as this would apparently be a good (albeit spoiled) thing...this surprise party. And it is. Which is why it's so confusing. This is complicated, and the emotions involved are complicated...

Soon after I met Michael I told him about the surprise party that Mark & Mollie & my friends (but mostly Mark) had thrown for me on my 30th birthday. How it was this wonderful memory that I wouldn't trade for anything. But that in some ways, it was so overwhelming for me that it was almost painful. I remember being so shocked by everything, and so overcome that I couldn't process my emotions on that day either. The party was held in my favorite restaurant at the time (I only eat in certain places) - but I didn't eat any of my food. I couldn't eat. I couldn't feel. I mean...I did feel. But it was so much joy at once that it was almost painful; almost agony. It's hard to describe without sounding ungrateful, but that's not what I mean. I just mean that while the experience touched me and moved me, that I hoped to never relive it.

Michael was the first person I'd ever expressed this to. Not because I didn't trust my friends to 'get it', but because he was the first person that I thought to tell. It was one of the moments that carried us forward. Something that was completely a Michael / Jason thing, that nobody else had touched.

Not long ago; last time I saw Michael I think, Michael's behavior in relation to my upcoming birthday had become odd. He said certain things, and did others that made me feel like I he was planning something. I had mentioned to Mark once that I though he was planning something weeks before, but I had put it out of my mind. But when it came up again, I asked him if he was planning a surprise party for me. He looked me in the eye and told me he wasn't, becaause I'd told him that wouldn't want to have that again, and (here's where it gets even more complicated) I was happy that he remembered something that I'd shared with him, yet I felt a slight disappointment that I would be getting no surprise party.

Which brings me to the complicated mix of emotions at finding out the truth.

I'm touched that Michael went through all this trouble. I'm moved that he knew me well enough to know that having Mollie here would be the best present I could ever have. I'm warmed by the knowledge that my friends were working with Michael to bring me such a gift. I'm confused that Michael would do such a thing after I'd told him about my previous experience and how I didn't want to repeat it, and that's after the confusion of realizing that some part of me DID want it. I'm left wondering if Michael knows that some part of me did want it. I'm disappointed that Michael left that chat window open and spoiled the surprise. I'm grateful that Michael left that chat window open and spoiled the surprise, because if the party had happened as planned I would have hated it. Not because it was a surprise party - I'm sure I would have cherished such an experience. But because I now have this perfect memory of looking Michael dead in the eye and hearing him lie to me, convincingly, and me believing him. I'm hurt by the lie. I'm confused by the lie. I'm finding it hard to trust him at all now. Now that I've seen him lie to my face, as I still maintain that the reason Mark and I are not a couple is because of the lies that he told me with such conviction that I found it impossible to ever trutly trust him again. If the party had happened as planned I'd have been crushed remembering that lie, and would have had to pretend to be happy until everyone had gone home. I'd have had to pretend the tears I shed were happy tears...when they weren't. I'm sure I'd have been just as confused by my emotions on that day as well.

I'm not upset about the planned surprise party. I'm not upset about my friends' involvement. I'm not upset about Micahel wanting to give me this wonderful surprise. I can't express that enough. What I need to be understood is that when I examine the hurt feelings they only lead back to the lie. It's the method by which this surprise was going to be delivered that hurt me, and understandably so. It could have been handled without lies.

Michael called me a little after 5pm. He wanted to know how I felt about him allowing his ex-bf Scott to move back in with him, because he feels sorry for him. Scott was horrible to Michael in the past, and was abusive in their last encounter before being thrown out - and then almost cost Michael his job by causing drama and spreading lies about Michael. I held Michael's bruised body while he tried to understand Scott's horrendous behavior and now he wants to know how I feel about Scott moving back in because he can't pay his bills?

I couldn't answer him. I was too wrapped up in my own emotions. I tried, but didn't get very far. I confessed that I knew about the party and how I found out. I began explaining my mix of emotions, and why I didn't call right when I found out, and how I was glad that I gave myself the time to sort it out. I exlained that I knew that he had the best of intentions, but that when he lied to my face he'd crossed a line. All he had to tell me when I asked is that he was planning something, and that he wanted it to be a surprise - and to leave it alone. And that's all he'd have to say. No need for lies. But now I have this...image stuck in my brain that I'm afraid will never leave (because that's how my fucked up brain works) and it's him assuring me that there is no party being planned, only their is, and I believed him; I believed he was telling the truth and he wasn't. And it makes it so hard now to trust, no matter that the intention was good - the execution of said intentions is the problem. I told him I understood his side, and I do, but he also has to understand that all the things I've told him about being unable to trust men have just come flying back into the room and now I'm left where I was when we started.

I know that this probably seems silly to some people. But all I can say is that this is how I feel and I can't get by it. It has to be dealt with. And I want to deal with it. I love Michael. I do. I love him. I love him more than anyone I've dated in over a decade! Trust will have to be built again, now. That I'm even contemplating continuing at this point speaks volumes about how I feel about Michael. Because deep down I believe he did lie with the best intentions, not understanding how devastating I would find that misstep. I feel like if I can impress upon him how seriously this hurt me, and how a future repeat of it would affect me...then maybe it won't happen again. And maybe someday I can let my guard down again. That day just isn't today though.

I wasn't able to talk to Michael on the phone for long. He had to let me go because he was at work and was starting to cry. He's messaged me a couple times while I wrote this, but I just had to finish it. Being cut off by him when I was finally releasing all this pent up emotion was annoying.

I feel better now.

I feel...relieved.

I feel like things aren't as bad as they could have been. This situation can still be salvaged. It wasn't all for nothing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:18 PM
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