Thursday, September 10, 2009

I forced myself to eat some tofu, though I find all food repugnant at the moment. This, when just days ago I was wolfing the stuff down with cheese and bread. I'm fine drinking liquids... It scares me because I was doing so well with food, and now I'm back to not wanting anything again...and I'm worried I might be stuck here now. My brain connects my eating better with dating Michael. Though I don't believe Michael was the catalyst for that transformation, the two events are impossible to separate in my mind's eye.

I'll try to keep the food down. But other than that I'll concentrate on rehydrating myself today. Water, Boost and Juice. I know it's not much but I'm making a real effort to getting back to normal, which seems IMPOSSIBLE right now. I'm just trying to fight off that doom and gloom sensation. Give me some credit.

Especially as I'm being haunted.

There's the remains of a bottle of Beringer White Zinfandel on my desk. I've been meaning to toss it, but now it hits me that Michael bought it for me. And I noticed his bottle of coke, and 2 bottles of raspberry alcohol in the fridge. The snickers with the bite taken out of it sits on my desk as well. Along with the DVD featuring Michael & I riding the Raptor at Cedar Point on August 6, 2009. That seems like so long ago; so far removed from the recent discovery of his betrayal, yet he was cheating on me even then, and had been for over a month. The Dune book I'm reading was meant to be the first in a series to get me to the Dune book that Michael had bought me. I was hoping to get the section of my DCAU Project featuring Superman / Batman done before Michael got back to those shows so he could see them in the proper order. "Watchmen", "Labyrinth", "The Thing" DVD's stare back at me. "Watchmen" is especially biting; I know he saw that movie in the theater with Sean; one of the boys he barebacked in June, and the boy who eventually drew my attention to Michael's dishonesty. Books on the book shelf; Buffy graphic novels on the floor. Earlier I remembered seeing "Wolverine" "T4" & "Harry Potter 6" with Michael in the theater. The Wii System; something I'd never played or had any interest in before I met Michael, mocks me. Super Mario Party 8. I played that with Michael & Mollie, which snacking on M&Ms. I learned how to Wii Bowl from Michael. I've played all those games with him I think, and the 1 or 2 I haven't seems out of place. "Rights of Passage" on my movie shelf reminds me that Michael watched that once in my room, on his computer, with his headphones on. The computer he used to hook up with other men. I noted how little money I have in my bank account, and remembered this was because of the gifts that I'd bought Michael: Roswell Season 3, and a book of Charmed Spells. My sheets and pillow cases still smell like Michael. I'm ashamed to admit they've not been washed since we had sex there on Friday. The sheets are nearly pulled off the bed, just as they are everytime Michael sleeps there. There are candles on my desk given to me at a candle party Michael took me to at his friends' home; their garage was used for my birthday party, thrown on August 15 - and a picture I took of Michael that day (which I was ever so proud of) was used by him to procure sex online.

It all washes over me again, and again. And I can't make it stop. I'm trying to make it stop. But the food has no allure; the food has no flavor. The weather isn't very appealing. And everything reminds me of what I lost months ago without even knowing it.

And despite all of that, I hope that Michael finds his lost cat, who disappeared yesterday. Despite all of that I miss him more than I feel I can bare.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:37 AM
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