Thursday, September 10, 2009

After the last entry, I spoke to Mollie on the phone. She's started watching LOST and is about half way through Season 1. There was a package delivery somewhere in there, and a freaking encounter with a large furry brown recluse spider, before Mollie made me laugh harder than I have in days. Jennifer called me at 12:04pm, and I let Mollie go so I could talk to her. Mark had told her yesterday (with my permission) a very bare boned explanation of why I sounded depressed. She asked for details and I gave them. She knew I was thinking about suicide and begged me to stay alive...and I openly wept for the first time since Monday; great wracking sobs. Jennifer talked to Mark and he took another day off of work to be here. Jennifer will be visiting late tonight.

After the phone conversation, Michael left a comment on my last entry, at 2:09pm. I called Michael back at 2:19pm. We talked. I told him that I did hate him for the cruel and and hurtful things that he'd done to me; that he may have gotten lost in something, but he went there willingly, multiple times. I hate him for fucking up my life, eating, trust...and making me want to die again. I wouldn't let him end the conversation on his terms; I took some of my power back. I made sure he knew we haven't been boyfriends since he left this morning. I again told him I needed time, but that I wasn't sure I'd ever get to a place where I could want him back...which hurts me, even though it's the truth, because I'd like to think that the boy I thought was real actually existed and that I could win him back from the dark side or whatever...but I just don't know if I'll want that once I'm in sane territory again. I ended the conversation letting him know that I would talk to him again.

At 3:08, right as I was getting into bed to try to sleep, after feeling better than I had in many hours, Michael texted me. The text made me smile. I slept from about 3:20-6:30. That's the most I've slept at one time in days.

I woke up with my stomach in knots. I've had diarrhea since Monday. I took some pepto yesterday, and that perhaps accounted for the pain I was in at that time. Once it had passed, I went back to my bed and noticed my phone was blinking. Michael had texted me at 3:52pm. Then at 4:48 had left a comment on my 9:43 am entry. Then when I sat at my computer I found that he'd also said hello to me on my AIM (which I'd left on) at 5:22 pm. I didn't know how to respond to these messages.

Just then, my phone (which was on silent running) starting blinking with an unknown number from Virginia. I answered and it was my dear friend Amber. She wasn't calling because she knew something was wrong, though she quickly grew concerned when hearing my ragged voice. She asked. I told. I shook. I very nearly cried again. She was shocked, as she had heard me speak of Michael before and seen pictures of us, and thought (just like me and some of my other friends) that he was different, and things with him were better than anything I'd had in over a decade. She was worried for me. But she had a surprise. She's gonna be in Michigan in 3 weeks time (or there abouts). When she said 3 weeks, I immediately heard Michael's voice in my head saying that 3 weeks ago he had sex with Brad in a hotel room near the airport. I tried to cover my surge of pain and we ended our conversation.

There was a blog entry I wrote at 10:37 am that I had originally kept private; invisible to everyone but me. I can do that. I don't like to do it though. And when I realized the reason I was doing was to protect Michael, I realized I had to let that go and openly post it, so I did that.

I took some prilosec with cranberry juice. The juice tasted good and felt cool going down. I hope it helps me in some way. Mark had woken from a nap when I ran downstairs and followed to make sure everything was ok. I covered all this information with him. He put his hand on my head and told me things will get better. He's been such a comfort the last few days. My friends are pulling through for me. I know I need them and without them I'd be dead. Sometimes I hate them for keeping me alive...but not always.

This is just a very dark time for me. It's comparable to other experiences I have had, but never on this level of insult. I feel like Michael took my trust and raped it. Like Micahel raped me every time he had sex with me without telling me that he was fucking other guys. He took something I cherrished and made me an unknowning victim. I appreciate his words on many levels, but I fear that he really will change, and having been hurt so terribly by his actions and lies that I won't benefit at all from these changes. I fear he'll find the happiness I thought we had, with someone else...and that when I'm ready, IF I'm ever ready to trust him again, he'll be with someone else. I've experienced that a couple times with past breakups. I'm just the guy that everyone learns from so they can fall in love for real. Ask Travis. Ask Shawn.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:27 PM
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