Saturday, September 12, 2009

After the last entry, I got dressed and ready to go get tested, but when I woke Mark to tell him where I was going he offered to go with me. He got dressed in a flash and drove me out there. 'Before He Cheats' by Carrie Underwood played in the car, which was hard to hear because Michael was the one to turn me on to it, and then the irony of it all was horrible. We passed the emergency room of St. Jo's and I remembered going there to see Michael in April. Pretty much everything reminds me of him, and makes me miss him...then I remember how badly he's actually been treating me the last few months; how he's betrayed me, and I get angry and weepy all at the same time.

When we arrived the sign for testing wasn't up and when we got to the office it was locked, with another woman waiting outside, who thankfully was already calling in the problem. I texted Michael to let him know I was waiting to get tested and that I was scared. He texted to say that if I'd let him know then he would have gone with me, but I countered that his being there wouldn't make me any less afraid. I was nervous enough about getting tested, but Calvin eventually arrived (he was double booked, which was totally not his fault). The woman kept saying "smitherins" and explained she was working with churces and was saying that instead of cursing. Soon we were in and everything was settled, though Cal (who had jogged from Saint Jo's) was out of breath and apologetic.

Getting tested for HIV at HARC is usually an almost enjoyable experience for me. I like the staff there, and usually when I go I have no real fear for my status...or if I do, it's based on something stupid that I did, and I'm trying to deal with the consequences of my own actions. This time was very different because while it's my fault for trusting Michael, he put me at risk by sleeping with an untold number of guys in dangerous combinations in a very short period of time; something I would never do, but consequently...it's like I did, without having any choice in the matter. So...this time was scary and painful, because I don't like to think about what he did. I was shaking and nearly crying, and Cal gave me a big hug before I left and gave me some advice that he told me he's not allowed to give. I know he's worried about me. I know all my friends are.

Michael had texted me during my counciling session but I had turned off my ringer for that and didn't get them until just after. He was upset and hurt that I was having to go through all of this because of him, and suggested I not talk to him anymore. Several of my other friends agree with him.

On the way home we took a route we'd never taken before. We ended up on Ann Arbor Road and I knew right where we were as I'd been there just 3 weeks (and a day) ago with Michael...just hours after he'd fucked an Itallian guy that lives in Ypsi. More memories and pain. When we pulled into the RiteAid we also found a BaskinRobbins. Michael went to BaskinRobbins several times with me; I didn't get anything but he almost always got these banana splits...

I waited by the car while Mark ran in to check for some stuff he needed. I called Michael and talked to him, expressing how much I miss him, and how angry I am and hurt....but that I don't want to be completely cut off from him. I want to be able to see and speak with him when I need it. I know what I'm going through is normal, but I feel like a fucking lunatic.

We came home, and figured we still had enough time to get to the grocery store and Office Depot before the big game makes the roads a complete disaster. Deb & Denny (our neighbors) were having a meal outside and Deb saw I was still upset and asked how I was. The truth came spilling out of me and she actually cried, and gave me some interesting suggestions about testing for other STDs.

We went to the Office place but they didn't have what we needed (giant Q-Tip things to fix the printer), and we headed to Whole Foods. I decided that I wasn't going to let recent events ruin my eating. I have to keep going. I have to make myself keep going. I got some trail mix (new), some Orange Juice (haven't had that in over 10 years), corn on the cob (not since I was a kid) a lime (new), non-dairy ice cream sandwiches (new), bananas (not since I was a kid), more wheat bread...and that might be all. I think I might make some more pasta later. I feel good about this.

I just had a frothy glass of pulpy orange juuice and it was soooo good. I'm trying to get in a better mood than I've been in. Trying to get out of this funk, even though I know I can't do so completely. I may be down, but I'm not defeated. Not yet. Hopefully I don't come crashing down too hard after saying that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:02 PM
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