Wednesday, September 16, 2009

I spoke to another guy that Michael slept with, which both raises the number that I know about, and the length of time it was going on. This guy had details. It was helpful.

I later talked to Michael about it. There are times when I think things are getting better, and times when I think things are getting worse. And there are times when I think it will all work out in the end, and other times that I think that he won't allow them to. He hates himself so much and I'm so afraid he'll prevent me from loving him, and that I'll get hurt in the process. It's complicated. I love him. I know so much about him, and I'm learning more everytime we talk. I sort of think our relationship was kind of a joke. He was cheating on me in less than 2 months time; possibly less. Yet he introduced me to his family and called me his boyfriend, and introduced me to his friends and his work life and when he almost lost me it hurt him. He doesn't understand why I'm still speaking to him, but I'm beginning to understand it myself. He's broken. And I've been broken. And I just want to reach back up inside him and hold him and let him see that he's not ugly and he's not unlovable, and there are people that will stick around. I want to be that person. But I'm not sure it's possible. When you try to love someone who doesn't love themselves, it can go very badly. I just hope this isn't one of those times.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:31 AM
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