Friday, September 25, 2009

Michael arrived around 7pm and we went to get food (LC & BK). We headed home and watched the first part of the new Glee before Michael started watching 'Cheetah Girls' and I got a phone call from a friend out in one of the Carolinas. It was odd hearing Andy / Benjiman (the friend) talk about his hopes and fears and crazy fun romantic entanglement, when mine was in the other room, watching a movie, with me, but separate. After the call I went back in my room to join him for the movie (that was my plan anyways).

When I got back in the room, Michael was asleep, with his movie blaring. I woke him up and there were cuddles and tickles. Everything was going well, until I told him something I had done. I didn't think this thing was so terrible, but it really upset Michael. He's upset that we have to talk about 'the past' every time we see each other. This upset me and I got very angry; this 'Past' is something that I've only had 2 weeks to deal with (part of which I denied that anything happened at all - as did he) - and I'm stuck in this pit of depression and insanity, and he makes it sound like he just wants me to get over it really fast, and if I knew how I would, but emotions don't work that way; time is needed. I think I'm doing extremely well under the circumstances, and if my way of dealing isn't his way of dealing...that's really not a terrible thing - as long as I do deal with it. I didn't ask for this to happen, and I didn't make this happen, but now that I know that it did, it changes EVERYTHING, and that's a lot to deal with. Some days it's so horrible I don't want to think or talk or anything, and others I'm ok. I just...it's hard and I need time, but everytime the subject comes up he says "We're not going to get through this, are we?" - and I think that's really premature. It does feel like we've been going over this problem for a long time, but just over 2 weeks ago I thought my relationship was stable, and then found out that it never really was...and now I'm dealing with finding out the truth of the past 5 months, and reconciling all that with what I thought I knew, and it's NOT EASY. It's damned hard. I still sometimes wonder if I'll survive it. Seriously. And it's only been 18 days. To expect me to have dealt with that in such a short time, when I can only talk to him about it in short bursts, seems unfair.

Anyways...things got very ugly. And then things got very hot. I don't know how it happened, but his getting upset and me getting upset kind of turned me on. I went at him full force. I was only gonna do safe stuff...or safer stuff, but his cooler mind prevailed and we didn't really do anything but makeout. Score 1 for Michael.

Soon it was time to pick up Mark. I talked Michael into going, but after we were on our way it turned out he wasn't feeling well. He stayed in the car to smoke, and I went inside, expecting we'd be out in a few minutes, which stretched out when Mark & I were discussing random topics with his coworkers. When we got out to the car Michael was thinking about his grandmother and the funeral and not feeling well. The ride home was tense, but I didn't have to talk as Michael & Mark were discussing insurance.

At home, Michael and I were getting comfy, but he smelled like smoke so we took a shower. Went back to bed, but Michael wanted to finish his movie; even with headphones on I could hear it, so I couldn't watch Glee. And I couldn't cuddle with Michael. And I couldn't feel like he was even with me. It was annoying. I put earplugs in and went to bed.

I woke up around 5am. My throat was dry and I needed to take some prilosec. I read some cool Predators news and just chilled. I'm gonna have another sip of water, turn down the air and try to get back to sleep.

Smallville Season 9 & Dollhouse Season 2 begin tonight, which means I'll probably be watching them Saturday night?

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:01 AM
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