Monday, September 28, 2009

I wrote this like 14 page entry...and then accidentally hit a series of buttons that deleted the whole entry. This has happened to me several times in this past, but this entry was intensly emotional and personal and I'm not sure I can replicate that here. I'm trying not to be annoyed by this, but use that energy to recreate what I deleted just moments ago. Which again...is something new. Usually I'd be so upset that I'd shut down for a few hours; possibly throwing things, or crying. But things are changing inside and out of me that I'm finding very hard to ignore at this point.

I continue to eat new things. The eating disorder that has plauged me most of my life continues to fall away. I don't know why this has happened, or what has given me the strength to reach into my past life and convince the child version of me that he's not to blame for my father's cruelty and that he deserves to eat. He doesn't have to stand hungry and cold in the dark anymore. I don't know how I've done this, but it's a huge accomplishment that still only a few months old.

I faced Cedar Point and faced some of the same demons, relating to my time there, boyfriends, and sisters. All tied into my eating. And I overcame them. Where this strength came from I have no idea. Again, this pattern of growth continued, and I was aware of it, and humbled by the hardship and accomplisment of it.

The recent twists and turns in my relationship with Michael are also an extension of these changes within me. I'm growing and becoming something else. I feel like I'm reaching a heretofore untapped potentiality. I'm aware of this, and I'm awed.

Later, after my last entry on Saturday Saturday, September 26, Michael and I dressed and traveled to Mark & Dan's home. We stopped at a liquor store on the way there where we had a funny encounter with the guys working behind the counter who were shockingly gay friendly and amusing, along with a pretty dark skinned woman that entered just as we were leaving. It's a bright memory. We arrived at our destination shortly thereafer. I hadn't seen Mark or Dan since my 35th Birthday Party, though I'd spoken to Dan the night before on gay dot com. Mark's sister Denise was there, as was her daughter Felicia. It was Denise's 40th birthday and a guy she'd been talking to on phone and internet joined us, named Rich. Denise was cool and reminded me of a someone I'd worked with at Meijer years before. Felicia was a 21yo trip, aching for Captain Morgan's, a trip to a bar (preferably Stilettos) and some hot lesbian loving, despite her man at home and their 2 kids. She said she also has a 17yo gay brother and that her dad & her man are both homophobes. She told me Michael was cute and her and her mom both told Michael that I was a huge step up from when he dated Scott, and that I was handsome.

Michael & I played euchre with Danny and Mark. Mark played music while we played, but the song "Before He Cheats" (by Carrie Underwood) came on and I very nearly had a panic attack. Michael introduced me to the tune, which I downloaded shortly thereafter, and now the resonance of the lyrics with what he did to me freaks me out far more than the actual events do anymore. I begged them to change it, which they hurried to do once I explained why it bothered me. Michael was supportive and open and that helped. Mark learned in this outpouring that Michael cheated with multiple partners and promisied an asskicking if he did it again which made me smile. But what made me smile most was having my Michael across the table looking at me and caring about me. It was strange and probably sounds odd, and it was, but it was very moving. It felt like we were acknowledging the past and our struggle to move beyond it.

We left after three games of euchre, the first and third of which were won by Michael & I. We left with hugs and hopes of seeing everyone again. It was another sign of our changing experiences and our growth. It was both wonderful and compelling.

On the trip home, Michael was feeling confessional. He had remembered another piece of the unknown history of Michael that existed parallel to the man that I had loved. He told me about a boy named Jeff he'd met on Craig's List back in July. Jeff was 26 and lived in Northville, which is near Plymouth where Michael spent much of his young life. Michael said that Jeff had proven easy to talk to; both online and on the phone. Jeff wanted Michael as a boyfriend, but Michael couldn't give him that. Yet he was tempted. Jeff has a nice job, and at the time, Michael was having money problems with his roomies and work and then there I was without a job and he didn't like that, though he had assured me all through our previous relationship that this was not a problem for him, as I'd never promised to get a job or owed him money. Eventually Michael told Jeff that he couldn't give him what he wanted and Jeff cancelled their planned for dinner, when they would have met in person for the first time. This was just weeks before my birthday.

Hearing this story, the job aspect, and that I was almost left because of my lack of one, was painful. I've been very insecure about not having a job. There are many times when I feel I'm very lucky to not be working because of my health, or because of some project I'm working on, or because I can see friends and family whenever they need me... but there's always this little voice in my head that says I'm a loser because of it...so his confession touched on that and I cried openly. Michael told me he was stupid to even consider a relationship with someone based on that kind of thing, and that his feelings on the subject had changed since then; that he'd crossed that bridge and chosen me. But this encounter has awakened in me an urge to work. I don't know what will come of this...but this feeling is one I've not really had in months. I don't know what will come of this newly resurrected feeling...my health is so much better than when I was working, yet my body is reacting to all kinds of new foods and sometimes the symptoms are most unpleasant. lol. But I'm strong and I suspect I can do more than I believe I can.

11:00 PM. Sunday, September 27.

I'm struck by the realization that in just 14 hours it will be 3 weeks since my previous relationship with Michael began to die, just as I too wanted to die at that time. I was honestly suicidal. And in the moments where I didn't want to die I longed to cut myself to dull the overwhelming suffering that came in waves of regret, blame, remorse, hatred, anger and grief. The only reasons I'm alive are the constant, surprising, caring feats to which my friends (and sometimes strangers) were willing to be there for me in my time of need. Looking back it was not something that I would ever wish to go through again or wish upon another, but it was a trial that brought home how lucky I am to have such resources.

I'm also struck by how my previous relationship with Michael is both similar and different than the one that I'm exploring with him now. The stories he tells me are an unfolding narrative that runs parallel to my history with this man which is both painfully informative and meaningfully poignant. It's a stripping down of that fictionalized happy land I believed I was mayor of, and a piercing, blinding light shining down on this man that I'm really seeing for the first time...the depths of which are both more human and more beautiful than what I thought I knew 3 weeks ago.

None of this excuses what he did to me or what he put me through. He knows this. I know this. But because of his past behavior, what we had was a joke; a farce; a disturbingly twisted version of the communication and partnership that our previous incarnation proclaimed itself to be.

He asked me last night (Saturday), how is it that after he hurt me so terribly, and so deeply, and so repeatedly...how is it that I could take him back and give him another chance after such hurtful behavior. He had seen my pain for himself; experienced his own shame, and did not / could not understand my forgivness. I think he questioned that my staying with him might be some sort of self flagellation based on my moments of self doubt and misplaced blame... But what he didn't see was that his shame was part of the reason I was able to give him another chance. I've seen his suffering. I've heard his confessions. I've seen / heard him speak his sins to friends and family alike. Details he never need have shared. I'm not choosing to love this new, truer version of Michael as a punishment to myself for my past ignorance of his misdeeds, or some misguided notion that I pushed him into his behavior. Though we may have had problems that I contributed to, he was an adult and had other options than those he chose to explore. He could have communicated those problems...even left me...or any number of less hurtful choices. But none of that is why I'm able to take this journey with him. I've seen his penance. I've heard the truth from his own lips. And that truth is what has allowed this current relationship to grow and become something far deeper than even I suspected it might. That truth is something I never expected to hear, though I wanted / needed it desperately. It was the fulfilling of that need which saved us from the brink of total destruction and gave us this new existance.

We stopped at Meijer on the way home. We got cranberry juice & snacks (me), and candy (Michael). We made it home. And were asleep before Mark made it home from his poker stuff (which I haven't metioned until now). Mark has been working for charity at some poker tournaments as a cashier. He got hit on by a stoner boy the first night, but I've not heard of his adventures since; I'll have to ask him later.

On Sunday we woke around noon I think. There was more talk of the past, which I find more and more satisfying, though it bothers Michael. It bothers him far more than it bothers me, though there are moments that the past overwhelms me, those moments are far less frequent than I would expect.

We watched the first episode of Glee. Later we had safe sex. Our sex life now consists of masturbation and oral sex with condoms. I'm pretty sure oral sex is pretty safe on it's own, and feel safe with a condom invovled. I'm drawing the line at anal though. I don't feel safe with that one, and I'm not sure I'm ready to go there on a emotional level either. Perhaps in December when our results are in.

Later we went to my Grandmother's house and I had her, my Mother, and my Aunt Marge try some chocolate tofu, coconut based non-dairy frozen treats, and some vegan cheese. They all seemed to enjoy it. I was hoping to show Michael the cemetary near my parents house but my tummy started hurting so we headed back to A2.

We went to the Rite Aid on Plymouth so Michael could get some oral glue. He had chipped his tooth on a piece of candy the night before and needed a quick fix until he could see his dentist. We also got tweezers (for an ingrown hair I've got) and some more candy. It's all about the candy lately, though I'm trying to eat less of it.

My tummy was feeling better and we were both hungry for Little Caesars so off we went. It was funny because Mike that works there knew what kind of pizza Micahel wanted when I ordered and that it was for him without me telling him! lol. Then when we got there, Alissa (who worked there 4 years ago) was back and was so excited to see me, just as I was excited to see her! it was so nice!

When we got out to the car I remembered that I had something for Michael: a key to the condo. I'd given him a key months ago (the first boyfriend of mine to ever have one) but asked for it back on September 10, when we broke up. I told him I was giving it back to him because whatever we are, we're together, and through his conversations with me and his telling me the truth that I needed to hear, he had earned at least that much.

We headed home, with me eating my crazy bread on the way. We watched some more Glee. I ate all my crazy bread, plus some M&Ms which was a mistake as it started coming back up. It didn't last long, but it freaked me out. It doesn't happen very often now, but everytime it does it brings back memories of how I existed for 7 years with almost everything I ate coming back up - and leaves me shaken and wondering why or how I survived that.

We slept.

I had a intensely erotic, leather coded dream. That's very odd, as I've never found leather or the leather scene to be erotic in any way at all. Never. I like leather jackets and clothing, but not in a sexual way. In the dream I lived with my parents and older sister and our old farm house in Milan, and nobody knew I was gay, despite me dressing in outragious leather gear. In the dream, there was a man that lived across the road in what in reality is my Aunt Marge's home. I knew the man was Michael, but in the dream he was much older than me, with gray hair. We had a secret sexual relationship. The old man Michael (who likes me to call him daddy) was confessing to me that when he'd seen me take my Midrin for a headache that he'd devised a plan in which he went to his secret lab pharmacy and created a fake Midrin pill (it looks like a candy capsule) and given it to me during my last migrain. I'd woke up in an elevator in a parker garage and assumed I'd passed out after drinking, though what had actually happened was that the drug mostly knocked me out and the guy used me for his and his friends pleasure. Instead of being revolted by this (as I would in the real world) I found this profoundly (stimulatingly) carnal. I thanked my 'daddy' by giving him a blowjob. Later, the old man Michael morphed into the one that I now know. He fitted me with what was somethink like a stylized leather diaper, with a buttplug in the seat. He then put into what was really a cage, but resembled a crib, high off the ground, with black metal bars that didn't reach the ceiling, but left no room for me to escape. He then brought in a bottom who serviced Michael while I watched and stroked. Michael changed his mind about the game and removed me from the crib / cage, and fitted me with a chastity device so I couldn't pleasure myself, then had me service the two of them. He tired quickly of seeing me touching the other man and had me watch as he fucked him. After he was finished and the other man was dressing and leaving, he removed the chastity device and let me masturbate and I sucked him, worshipfully. I knew the other man was jealous and wishing to be me. And I was so close to cumming when I woke up, cuddled next to Michael in my room.

I cuddled with Michael some more as I relived the dream. I still found the images arousing, though confusing and new. I spoke of them to Michael then wrote them out in my blog before accidentally deleteing them (along with a version of everything before this). I'm not sure I've quite captured the essence of the dream. It was not a place I've been to in my dreams before, yet one I hope will be revisited in future slumbers. It was incredibly intense, kinky, lewd, yet remarkably satisfying. There are elements of the dream which I've never expressed yet understand completely, while other fragments that I don't understand at all, which I hope will become clear in time.

One aspect of the dream, the watching Michael have sex with others, is something that I've long fantasized about. I don't know that it will ever happen in reality...but that in itself is a new desire. I've never fantasized about a boyfriend / partner having sex with others and found pleasure in that imagining. I don't know where that's coming from, but it's something I find stirringly provocative and stimulating in the extreme... yet that's someone tainted by the recent discovery of his other life with at least 10 other men during our supposedly monogomous relationship. Some of the sexual details, once revealed, arroused me even as the lies surrounding them hurt me deeply. I'm still balancing out those two powerful reactions; sorting through all the feelings and repurcussions of the truths uncovered, and the feelings they inspired.

Another aspect is the Daddy / Son play. I've always found that type of thing hot. Always. It used to bother me on some level as I felt it had to be related to my terrible experiences with my own father, yet as time has passed, I simply take pleasure in it, and nothing more. I feel no guilt or shame in relation to it at all. And if a partner doesn't get off on that sort of thing, I can imagine it without them actually reciprocating in reality.

The drug scene is something altogether new and not something that I would find stimulating in reality, but in the dream it was safe, even as there was danger. And I'm often aroused by scenarios in fiction or history (as if there's a difference) in which a person / character is all but victimized by situations they are helpless to avoid or ammend. I've had conversations with others who felt the same arrousal, but who expressed it better. This dream was the first I'd experienced the transferrence of that to myself since I was child, at which time I often had dreams of such things, to which I always woke with a hardon.

The home life aspect where I was so blatently gay and sexual is also new. In my dreams of childhood I'm often gay and sexual, yet always secretive and careful to hide my sexual orientation from my relatives. In this dream it was if I was shouting it to the world yet none of them could hear me. Interesting.

The overwhelming love of Michael in the dream is also telling. It's something that I'm experiencing in the waking world as well. The hardship we've been through, and may yet go through...has altered what I've known and brought us to an altogether different country. Perhaps we won't survive; perhaps I'm being lied to even now and this waking dream will end in tears, yet I hope that it wont. Yet if it does, will that not bring me closer to the truths I feel I'm touching upon even now? Perhaps. Yet it would be more satisfying with a partner, because that's something I've never quite achieved.

I'm not sure I'm making any sense...but I feel like I am. I feel empowered by recent events and strides that I've made, and this uncommon dream that I've had. I feel like I'm finally making progress on so many different levels that even my dreams are beginning to change along with the rest of me. Perhaps I'm becoming a butterfly at last.

And on the geeky side, I think I'm going to use the gift certificate Mollie gave me for my birthday to purchase Season 2 of The Sarah Jane Adventures. Thanks Mollie!!!

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:30 AM
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