Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I didn't get to take a nap before going to Michael's yesterday evening as I was wrestling with my doctor's office / GI doctor / insurance company, trying to learn of my appointment for Thursday was covered or not. Ugh. I shaved and showered and headed over to Michael's around 5:30pm.

The visit to Michael's was mostly good, but there was a lot of emotional baggage to work through. I feel like I should be over a lot of this stuff...and then I remember that I've only known about 5 months lies for 3 weeks, and I get more info all the time, and of course it's going to take a long time to work through and process and get past. Things that I've learned don't always connect with me right away, and when they do they are painful, but once I've dealt with them, they're in the past, aside from a slight emotional bruising that I know will fade in time.

For example, on the way to Michael's house, I passed the exit to Rocco's house (one of the boys he fucked), then went through Belleville (where he fucked another boy, who's name he can't remember) and this made me think of Sean, who was the guy who slept with Michael and then told me the truth about it months after the fact...I remembered him telling me that Michael picked him up from his house and took him back to Michael's place to fuck. I'd already had the ick factor in relation to Michael's bed, knowing that he's had sex with another guy there while we were dating, and has never done so with me... but then it hit me that this guy was in Michael's car. That they had to drive from his house in Canton to Michael's place, for sex, both of them knowing that Michael had a boyfriend...and the thought of that hurt. His car...I've always liked riding in it, and now... I know it's stupid. He's had tons of guys in that car before me...but this one was different. And it hit me really hard last night.

Once I'd arrived, Michael asked what was wrong and I told him, and we dealt with it. We're struggling to get through all this. Michael remembered another guy that he slept with...which was annoying only because he slept with him somewhere that Michael told me he hadn't hoooked up with anyone since we met. I know it will take a long while to get all the facts and file them away and then forget about, but every detail brings the past into focus for me, and then makes it seem both less threatening, and more realistic - putting the Michael I thought I knew to rest, and allowing me to see the Michael I'm coming to know in a much more honest perspective, which is what I want. I want to see him without any delusions of what we may have shared in the past. I want to see him with all his flaws on display and know that I love him.

Other parts of the visit were interesting and fun, but other parts worried Michael. He's afraid that what he's done to us is affecting me negatively. There are things I'm thinking about trying and doing that he thinks are bad, like I decided I was gonna get drunk last night (with Mark) and he didn't think that was cool... But the thing is, that's pretty harmless. Pretty much everyone I know drinks, or they used to get drunk fairly often. I've done it maybe 4 or 5 times in my entire life, so I don't see me wanting to do it every once in awhile as a bad thing.

After I left Michael's I picked up Mark from work (about 10 minutes late) and we went to Meijer for alcohol, plus razors and stuff for Mark. We rented Wolverine from Kroger. We went home, drank Black Russians, snacked and watched the movie. A fun time was had by all. It was very low key, and relaxing, and I don't regret a moment of it.

During the trip to the store and some of the condo stuff, there were conversations and texts with Michael. He wants to block out the past because everytime he remembers something else it hurts me, but I don't want that at all. My sister Janice blocked out the past and left me to remember it all by myself and though I know part of her didn't choose this, part of me resents her for leaving me there alone, and I don't want that to happen to me and Michael. I'd rather face it all together, and come through all this on the other side having conquered all this bullshit and live stronger lives as a result.

Mark & I went to bed shortly after the movie I think. It was maybe 4:30am.

I woke up around 10am. Again. I cancelled my doctor's appointment for fear that I'd have to pay for it without my new insurrance, plus it's just a followup and I'm fine. I spoke to Michael and he's probably coming over tomorrow after he gets out of work in the evening - as tomorrow will be 6 months since we met.

Oh. I asked Michael to be my boyfriend again. Not because of any revelation or anything. It's just that's what we are. We're a couple until we decide that we're not. To pretend otherwise seems silly. Hopefully we have a happy ending, but if we don't, I gave it my all, and I think he is doing the same, at least for now.

So I'm working on stuff today. Trying to work out the timeline of events. Trying to make sense of all the information. Trying to decide what I'm gonna eat cause I'm so fucking hungry! lol.

Michael is at work. Mark is getting ready to leave for work. I need to chill.

A spider was in my room earlier. I tried to capture it but it got away...and I have no clue where it is now. Creepy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:47 PM
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