Thursday, October 15, 2009

Almost exactly 2 weeks ago at this moment I was in the ER with terrible pain and a strange numbness thinking I was dying, with no clue that I'd have my first ever surgery later that day, and be in recovery mode (with much pain) for the next week and several complications for the next. 2 weeks. October really sucks so far. And September was no better, with the revelation of Michael's betrayals. Autumn, usually my favorite time of the year has turned out to be my least favorite part of 2009. Last year around this time I was in a nameless depression, but this year was worse. I'm sure these recent experiences will strengthen me in the coming months / years or however long I have left, though I did notice that during a freaky surgery scene on the 9.2 episode of Smallville that I freaked out a bit more than I would have before all this crap. Surgery will forever be that scary thing where I woke up alone and in pain, begging to see Mark & Michael, and then weeping when Michael wasn't there. If there's any consolation for today, it's that tomorrow afternoon October will be half over and November may be an improvement.

Michael's asleep behind me. He had a bit of trouble with the heat; the neighbors definitely have their heat on and it's stifeling in my room. I have the fan on, and the door ajar, and gave him an icepack, all after he woke having soaked through a pillowcase with his sweat.

My stomach has had some trouble tonight, but it's just my usual problems that come and go. I think this might be because I've been taking my prilosec pretty randomly. Probably because I'm taking SO MANY pills at the moment that I just lose track, plus when I sleep is kind of random too.

The Sarah Jane Adventures return tonight. How did that happen? There will be 2 new episodes every week for the next 5 weeks. Battlestar Galactica: The Plan will arrive in about 12 days. I may reorder Season 4.5 to make up for the scratched final disc and so I'll have the complete series, but I'm not sure yet. I feel weird spending that kind of money twice when I don't really have an income. I saw some quotes from an upcoming Maxim magazine that says the new Plan DVD will have some explicit content, which I'd heard suggestions of in the past; this doesn't make me want to see the movie any more than before, but it doesn't make me want to see it less, as some fans are saying - but their arguments are silly - saying things like if they had to throw in sex or nudity it must suck when there was TONS of sex on BSG. TONS. And while there wasn't nudity there was a lot of near nudity of both genders. And while there was sex / nudity in the recent Caprica dvd, that story was fantastic as well. I think people who have a problem with nudity / sexuality in a movie are both childish and creepy. Oh, and 2 days after "The Plan" is released, the 10th Doctor will be back in 2 episodes of Sarah Jane! I'm missing The Doctor in the worst way lately. Maybe because all the other doctors I've seen lately have kind of sucked.

I have a doctor's appointment today at 4:45pm. We're aiming to be there around 4pm though so I can give a sample before the lab closes down at 5pm. That means I have to leave around 3:30pm and I have to be ready then, so I have to be up by 3PM for sure. This appointment could be important on many levels.

I also have an appointment on Tuesday, which is my big followup to my surgery at UofM hospital. I'm not worried about that as I think I'm coming along really well. It's just the damned UTI and whatever else is going on with it that's giving me troubles now IMO.

Michael and I really had fun last night. Like I said before, there were some rough patches and I actually thought we were ending for about 10 minutes, but we brought ourselves back from the brink. I want this to work very much. I want to get back to how I felt before. I want to marry this man. But we can't just rush to the finish either. Relationships are complex. This is why I've never been jealous of people who are in relationships because no matter how perfect they seem...I know they're not.

With Michael now...I feel the need to differentiate myself from his other men; the ones he slept with when he was with me. I found out last night that he kissed the guy he slept with 3 days before my birthday. This kid (he was 25 then) has no clue that he was sleeping with someone's boyfriend, and seems sort of innocent and kind of sweet. It kills me. But for the most part I like it when he kisses me because I know he rarely did that with the others; 3 of them maybe. I like it when he goes down on me or rims me because he didn't do that for any of the others. Anything that separates me from them (for now) is important to me. That will most likely fade in time, but for now...I need that.

I only have 1 antibiotic left, which I need to take around noon, and while they've worked wonders for me pain wise, I suspect the UTI is still there as I've had random pain, though nothing on the scale of last weeks torture. I hope this weekend goes well. Michael & David will be aparment / house hunting in Ann Arbor. Michael has Saturday - Sunday off, but I'm not sure how much of that time will be spent with me as I'm sure he has tons of things to do.

His life is EXTREMELY stressful at the moment. I wish I could help with that, and I think I did last night...but what we're going through is also stressful and while that's not my fault, it worries me that it might get too intense for him and he'll have to bow out. :-0( I don't want that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:50 AM
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