Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Just spent 20 minutes crying, after trying to sort laundry and get something...anything done. I feel broken inside. I feel...like everything is falling apart and I don't know what to do to fix any of it. My body is broken. I can barely eat. And I have to wait until fucking January to see anybody about it because of money. And I might not even have money for the bills I've already accumulated. And I have to go get my results today...and what if I'm positive? I don't want to be going through this? Why am I going through this? And the surgery...haunts me still. Like...I've never had a procedure where I woke up in such pain or needed so long to recover, or needed to depend on people for so very long, and now I can't even fricking go out in the sun without protection? I feel so frail and there have been good times throughout all this upset, but with the smiles I feel like I'm just barely keeping it all together. I'm trying to be strong and I'm usually ok...or at least I can fool myself into thinking I am... I saw this boy online today; the one that told me that Michael cheated on me, and it all came rushing back; how I didn't believe the guy, and then how the evidence mounted, and his whole other life fell into the light - and the way Michael denied it and I wanted to believe him so bad...to believe that he would never hurt me like that...only he did. And I'm in such emotional / physical stress from it even now. If I can make it through this I know I'll be stronger. I just have to hang in there, because I love him, and I love my friends and family...I have to hang in there.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:22 PM
   [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [1 Comments]