Wednesday, November 11, 2009

My jaw is getting worse again. I took a long hot shower; not to clean up; I didn't even use the soap... Just as a warm compress for my jaw. It didn't seem to help. Oh...and the food I did have is coming back up. The thing I hate most about this jaw thing is that it's preventing me (for the most part) from trying or eating new foods. I was doing so well and it's all slipping away. And I try to keep my spirits up, but what if it takes so long to fix that I lose my way and get lost in the darkness inside me again? I'm scared.

And it still hurts to piss. There's more fear; both of what's wrong with me, and how much it will cost to find out. And I won't know my HIV status until December. There's more fear. It's easier to ignore it all when I'm being held in Michael's arms. Maybe that's why it's so hard to be alone these days...

I starting to hate myself. All this fear and weakness. All this needing. I'm allowed to lift things now, within reason - except the antibiotics I was just on suggest I could get some horrific stuff if I exercise at all over the next few months? It's all so fucked up. And while the wounds from my surgery are healing nicely, everything else is worse or at a stand still.

And this being on my own is terrible.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:51 PM
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