Friday, November 13, 2009

Michael came over. We had a great conversation. We were going to have some "fun", but I was waiting for Mark to get home so his usual 'hello' wouldn't distract us, or annoy him - only he stayed over an hour late to work with no text as he usually gives... When Michael was coming over he asked if he could wash his work clothes here so he could go right to work from here and I didn't think that would be a problem - only Mark had clothes in the washer and the dryer. And I spent 30 minutes downloading the next episode of Michael's show to burn for him as a surprise, only to see that it was having problems; I thought it was faulty and deleted the whole thing, only to find that the internet wasn't working - to find that Mark had shut off my internet access because I was 'suddenly hogging the internet' - when in the past, anytime one of us has been using the internet more than the other we've downgraded our downloads at the other's request. I didn't even know my episode was still downloading to be a bother to him, but he didn't even ask me. Now my stomach is all upset (which precludes me laying down to cuddle with Michael)...I don't know why I eat at all anymore. I'm so tired. I hate that my stomach is so easily upset by other people - I used to (long ago) enjoy a good argument. I've been having trouble keeping food down lately, even when I take my pills.

Now Michael is mad at me too.

Tonight sucks.

I just want to cuddle. And I can't. And he's right there. And I feel like I'm falling apart.

Michael woke up briefly, told me not to worry about his clothes, and had me put my head down on the edge of the bed so he could rub my scalp...then he fell back asleep. I'm stuck staying awake, puking, and bored out of my brain.

On a side note, it's Mollie's birthday; Happy Birthday Mollie! I hope your day is going better than mine is.

I'm cranky all the time lately. My jaw pain affects everything; how I talk / eat / laugh - and I can't have oral sex at all, which was my main source of pleasure. I find myself wanting to cut myself every day. I don't do it. I know it would upset people, and there isn't a spot on me that I could to it and not have it be seen.

I feel like I'm losing my mind, day to day. I keep getting lost inside myself...and all the medical bullshit and stress for possible debt it weighing me down even more than it would otherwise. I worry that I snap at people too much, or depend on people too much, or expect too much from others...or myself.

Can't things get back to normal?

Doctor Who on Sunday. That's what I keep thinking to keep me going. Is that pathetic?

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:25 AM
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