Thursday, December 24, 2009

Ok. I've slept. My farm is done for now. And I have some time here, or so it seems, so maybe it's time for that update I've been meaning to do.

WARNING: This post is gonna be extremely sexual and personal and if you don't want to know how fucked up my brain is you might want to stop now.

Ready?

Ok. So I met Michael online in March 2009. Our first date was April 1, 2009. We've been together almost ever since, apart from maybe 7 days in which we broke up briefly. From April to May things were great. Then in May I went to see Star Trek XI in theaters with my ex-bf Paul. Michael had been treated terribly by ex-bf's in the past and had suspected I was cheating because of all the alone time I liked to have and this 'date' with my ex-bf seemed to confirm that I was cheating. I wasn't. But Michael didn't know that, and he started cheating on May 20, 2009. Between May 20 & September 7, Michael managed to keep a relationship with me in which we had a regular unprotected sex life, while simultaniously hooking up with over a dozen other men; some of them bareback. There was even 1 guy he didn't hook up with who Michael spoke to online & on the phone and briefly considered leaving me for. I was blind to all of this. Except on September 7, one of his boys (Michael "Sean" Wells) contacted me to hit on me, and when he found out I was Michael's boyfriend, he told me the truth, in hopes that I would leave Michael and that he (Sean) would be able to fuck us both seperately. Ouch. I soon found MOUNTAINS of evidence proving that he hadn't just slept with Sean, but at least 6 other guys. I confronted Michael, who denied the truth, and I broke up with him.

This was HELL. I was completely in love with Michael. I loved him more than any guy I've dated in over a decade. All my friends & many of his friends swore that Michael loved me. None of these people knew the truth. I was suicidal. My world was shattered. Thankfully I had great friends at the ready to help me through this time.

5 days later I went to see Michael at work. I had come to a decision. In that 5 day period, Michael had impressed me by confessing the truth, both to me and to his friends and family. His guilt was astonishing. His confessions of love were believed. I told him that I wanted to try being with him between September & December, to see if I could learn to trust him again. The 3 month thing would be helpful to us, as we'd have to wait 3 months to get tested to be sure of our HIV status. He accepted.

In that 3 month time, Michael made sure I knew where he was 24/7. He moved to Ypsi to be closer to me; he'd lived in Taylor before. He got rid of his pets both because he couldn't afford them, but his cats especially, because I'm allergic and wanted me to be able to come over. He also made a house rule that there was to be no smoking in the apartment so it wouldn't smell like smoke and bother me or Mark (something he hasn't stuck to, which makes it almost impossible for Mark to visit, and just annoying for me). He gave me keys to his apartment so I could drop by whenever. He got a phone on Mark's account so he had GPS on him. And he swore of the internet dating sites.

It was all going extremely well, except from some health problems. First, on October 1st I had emergency gall bladder surgery. Then I had / have prostititus (apparently from an STD Michael gave me, but was spared himself) - lots of pain and confusion. And in late October / early November my jaw locked in place, making it impossible for me to suck Michael's cock, or do any other number of things that get both him, and ME off. This has hurt my sex life a lot. A LOT. It's hard to not want to die. Seriously.

With the limited jaw movement, and recent events, I started getting turned on by an old fantasy of mine, involving my partner cheating on me. This wasn't something that I thought I'd ever be able to explore in reality, because the fantasy was HOT, while in reality, a cheating partner is incredibly painful. I'd compare it to people who have rape fantasies; they may act them out with their partner, but they don't wan to be acutally raped; they want the fantasy version, and as long as that's what they're getting (and nobody is getting hurt) then it's awesome! ;-0)

During all this, I had taken over Michael's accounts online (with his permission) so I could try to track down all the men he'd slept with. It was both painful, and healing, this process. But it also revealed something unexpected. A friend of mine (a 1 night stand I'd stayed in touch with) contacted Michael in this time (only he was talking to me) about how much he wanted to get fucked by Michael - while contacting me (Jason) and being nice and caring, while he was planning with "Michael" to stab me in the back. At first I was pissed. Then I was vengeful. And finally I was completely turned on. Sick huh? lol. But totally hot for me...and that was just the beginning.

Well, here I was, having read all these messages that Michael had sent to other boys, and I thought the way he talked to these guys, so different than the way he spoke to me, was hot too. I started encouraging him to get back online. He did. He got hit on. He told me about the conversations and it made me hot. Slightly jealous; an itty bitty bit, but totally turned on. But it wasn't the same as reading his previous conversations. And I also found myself questioning my mental health. Was it healthy to be turned on by something so hurtful? Was I taking the pain and turning it into pleasure? If I was doing that, was it a good healthy thing? Was I taking back my power which he'd stolen, or was I getting so beat down that I was succumbing to his betrayal on a whole new level?

I called my friend Paul on Thursday, December 17th. I told him the whole twisted story, and he thought it sounded healthy. I felt it was too. I felt like I was reaching deeping into myself than ever before (a theme for me in pre-October 2009, in which I found levels of strenth I never knew I had - but since the surgery I've felt pretty broken). I felt like I was approaching desires both rich and unexplored, and that I was moving towards a completion of self, which aside from my recent phsical troubles, was somehow a continuation of the path I'd been following throughout 2009. And Michael, for all his flaws, seemed a key part of this inner transformation.

A snippit from my Facebook Page that day:

"Jason Wright is trying to sort out how I became so confused, and wondering if my confusion is a gateway to true understanding...or just the loss of something sacred..."

A friend suggested that it sounded like sensory overload to which I responded:

"Perhaps that's all it is. It's hard to say. In some ways I feel like I've been building to this moment for such a long time; years, most certainly. But I don't know if this means I'm breaking through to something grander...or if I'm finally damaged beyond repair? Possibly both. I'll figure it out eventually I'm sure. All the answers to all of the other life riddles of this category have come to me in time. This one's just a little more fragile."

A quote from my blog that day:

"I just need to figure this out. It's a complicated sex puzzle that's been warping my reality with increading velocity. Yet if I handle it wrong it may lose it's magical allure and I'd rather not do that. It's a fragile thing, this cage I'm in."

The thing was, I wanted to share my feelings with Michael, but was worried that it might lose some of it's spark he knew my feelings and we pretended he was talking to another guy, while chatting wth me - which is something that Paul & I had discussed as a possibly scenario to explore these feelings in. I decided I wouldn't talk to anyone else about this for 1 more day, and keep this secret pleasure to myself for that amount of time at least. I decided I'd create a fake online profile and chat with Michael - flirt with him, and after he turned me down, I'd get off on the whole experience - and then tell him the truth, and go from there. I'd eat my cake and have it too was the thought.

Except in that night's conversation Michael didn't turn me down. He thought I was some other guy and he was gonna hook up with him behind my back. Only he was chatting with me. I went to his meeting place and pretended I just happened by, and it was so clear that he really was intending to cheat on me. I called him on it. He said he knew it was a set up, but his actions spoke volumes. Details like him deleting the conversation we'd had, and asking me to go somewhere with him when I arrived (afraid the 'other guy' would show up), even though he doesn't ever leave his clothes unattended (he was at the laundry place for his complex) - plus I'd seen this act before. It hurt that he would lie to me again. I broke up with him. It was messy.

Twisted part. When I got home, I jacked off to that fake conversation. Within days we were back together. Having talked a lot. We have trust issues. But we're talking opening about what we want. Who we want. Who we want it with. And though at any other time in my life I'd have run screaming from this situation, where I am now, it feels incredible. Daring. An interesting choice, outside of my character, but true to my inner longing. I don't need to justify my decision to anyone. They can either accept it, or move on.

That's about all. It wasn't convered here in the range or depth that it probably deserves. I doubt anyone reading this will compeletely grasp my feelings or the importance of all of this stuff...but I wanted some kind of record of it, so here it is.

Where are we now? Michael and I are good. He's gonna chat up some boys online, for my pleasure. We may have some 3way action. Something I've never been ok with, with any other partner. We there are many different scenarios we may yet explore. Or maybe we won't. Who knows? All I do know is I feel better for exploring this hidden part of my sexuality - talking about it with my partner and trying to peel back the layers of it, than I would have otherwise. ;-0)

What else? Going to Grandma's & then Mark's family tonight. Tomorrow is the new Doctor Who special: "The End of Time, Part I". I wasn't very excited about it...and then remembered that Donna is in it. And now I'm thrilled. ;-0)

I have 3 chapters (plus an apendix, so basically 4 chapters) left in the first Abarat book. I find I'm reading it very slowly, though I'm enjoying it. Perhaps because I know it's the first of 5 books, and while I have the 2nd, the 3rd won't even be released until late 2010! This is gonna be like waiting for the final 3 Harry Potter books. :-0(

Oh. And I'm horny.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:29 PM
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