Saturday, January 23, 2010

Showered. Thought. Get lost in my thoughts these strange days. Everything feels slightly heightened. Like I'm on some kind of drug, only today, I'm not.

His lies return to haunt me. I can't trust him. Yet I love him. It circles round and round in my head. Sometimes there's pain and other times there is a soothing calm; sometimes theres a numbness akin to nothingness. I love him. He loves me. He hurts me. The cycle of love.

The day things ended he texted a boy and told him that he was considering leaving me for him. And within the same hour confessed his love for me. Within the same hour he beckoned me to service him, and to make ready an orgy of lust for him under the guise that it would sate his craven lust. I believed him. I trusted in my own longings to see me through. But in the following instant he betrayed what was nearly ripped from me.

When I slept last night I dreamt of a man I once knew named Phillip; like the prince in Sleeping Beauty. A bearded closeted factory worker with no female beard to protect him, who dexteriously crossed a river of lies to enter the continuously burning building of my dreams. The man I loved answered the door; led the Philly to his bedroom, removed his pants, and sat on the bed where Prince Phillip kneeled before the fire god and worshiped at his feet. I woke up shaking to a text from the fallen angel. And the rest is silence.

I should sleep more.

After the cleansing, I watched the first episode of Spartacus (1x01 The Red Serpent), which was like the horrifically lame 300, only slightly more watchable. It's LGBT inclusiveness is refreshing, and it's nudity / gore a welcome balm to my weary spirit. I've heard in reviews that the series gets better as it goes, which I hope is true, because I can't watch 300 for 13 weeks. I couldn't even make it through the first 15 minutes of the movie.

I might sleep. I feel weary. Or I might eat. I have fresh food to eat. We'll see what happens next.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:08 AM
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