Wednesday, February 10, 2010

I watched some of the BSG miniseries this morning. It was neat to see all the stuff going on that only makes sense going back after watching everything else. I spoke to Michael. I slept. I had calming sexual dreams involving a road trip, sex with friendly strangers, and in the end, dressing in the outside summertime with clothes from my car; the clothes I wore the last time I slept with Michael before I learned the truth.

I woke up to find Michael on Manhunt, and gave him permission to look for a blowjob online; I even helped. I thought this all felt fine, though I was getting a terrible headache / jaw pain. When Michael's partner was on his way to Michael's apartment, I took a hot shower to try to dull the pain that the painkiller could not...and broke down crying. My jaw is broken...I'm broken. The little boy inside me knows I'm being punished for what I've done, even while the adult sees that this isn't so. He's laughing at me. And I fear I'm losing my mind...and that the only way to win such a battle is to die.

And the man I love was getting his cock sucked by someone who doesn't love him, while I cried in the shower, because I'd give anything to be sucking cock right now...and eating and laughing and singing and yawning without pain....crying because I know that with a moment's courage all my pain could stop. Weeping for feeling so horrible for wanting to die when it would hurt so many people that love me. Mark heard me and came inside and listened, and comforted, and held...

Still crying now. I lay in bed in the dark for awhile. Michael was supposed to text me when he was done. I was hoping to talk to him about my jaw and the mess I was feeling. Eventually I texted him, but he was fine, having forgotten me in his after orgasm rush; said he was relaxing in his 'alone time', which translates as he doesn't want to talk to me and he doesn't want to see me.

I keep drying the tears...and then they return.

And today is my grandmother's birthday.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:13 PM
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