Sunday, July 11, 2010

Shortly after the last entry the pain intensified until I thought I was dying. Mark took me to the E.R. - I was hyperventilating and the pain was so intense I began vomiting; not the usual gastroparesis stuff - huge, heaving, painful lunges. I got myself calmed down. They got me a bed and got me on pain killer pretty quick but the first dose of morphine didn't do much; the 2nd was heaven. They thought I had a pendicitis but it was a kidney stone after all. Michael came but didn't stay long I don't think; I told him he could go - I was very out of it. They gave me meds to help me pee (flomax) and pain killer (Tylenol 3) for when it gets bad. Came home. Slept almost all of Friday. Lots of fluids. Water. Gatorade. Cranberry juice. Shakes.

Saturday. I started getting back into my DS9 book and also started watching the 2nd Season of Six Feet Under; I have the complete series set but have only seen the first 1.5 seasons I think.

Mark & Michael went to a party. Michael looked hot and we had our pictures taken before they left (though I looked horrible). Later when they returned home I was asleep. I asked Michael to stay but he chose not to. He went home and started looking at sex hookups on line "cause he was bored" which I don't believe for a second. He was looking for sex. That was the final nail in the coffin. I called him and told him I knew what was going on; that I didn't trust him...but that I loved him. He said he was confused about a lot of stuff and we agreed to break up. Mark drove me out there and we took the spyware off his computer and parted on good terms...as friends, with him letting me keep the keys to his place and me giving him one to mine. Sounds weird, I'm sure. I was sad but ok.

Later I went to Facebook and changed my relationship status to single. I went to Manhunt to update my profile and Michael was there looking for sex, though he'd just told me he was only on yahoo and watching Trek before bed. This hurt. I sent him a message saying I wasn't shocked and that I hoped he played safe. But I was shocked a bit...I couldn't stop shaking or crying. He didn't have to lie about what he was doing now...yet he still was. Maybe that sort of thing just takes time, or now that we're not a couple I have even less right to know what he's doing...but I don't see how lies are necessary.

Jamie from Virginia, who I've met twice, saw my new status on Facebook and called me; talking to me about boys, Michael, Justice League, Slash and such while I got the worst of the shaking and crying under control. She was nearly crying for me.

I'm left feeling nothing. It had to end, I suspect. He hurt me so much. But I cherish his friendship and the many fun times we've had...and would like for that part of our relationship to continue. We both want that in fact. I hope we can get that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:42 AM
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