Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I didn't go back to sleep. I played online. I jacked off / showered. I took my prilosec. Had some cranberry juice. Did the dishes. Scrubbed the cabinets / fridge / sink in the kitchen; filled the soap dispenser. On my 2nd load of laundry. I'm tired but I have energy...and I hate to waste it.

I'd like to get groceries this morning. I'm trying to be excited about food again. Not sure I can in my current condition but I'm so fucking sick of toast and shakes which has been the basis of my diet since my jaw locked in November. If my life is going to change painfully, I want to make sure it's worth it and not waste the time I have.

This isn't stopping me from crying. I feel better, yet feel like I've lost something I might not have ever had. I don't regret the time I spent with Michael; I know at heart he's a good person and that I gave my all and can be proud of that...though I did go a bit crazy between October and now, but I think that's understandable given the stress and pain and fear and desperation I've been feeling.

There is something going on in my brain that I'm not sure is a good or bad thing. It's kind of crazy and might not be healthy; I'm not sure. Maybe it's my way of coping? I don't know. All I know is that I've been seriously fucked up since I learned the truth about Michael cheating back in September. I know I want to get back to how I felt before that...and I think I can do it. I think I can. It's just the physical crap (stomach / jaw) getting in my way right now and if my struggling with some dark thoughts, that's pretty normal isn't it?

Just wish me luck.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:10 AM
   [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [1 Comments]