Thursday, July 15, 2010

Michael arrived around 8:32pm. He wasn't here for long before I got dressed and we went to Whole Foods. Got some good stuff I think; got a few things I've never had; really hoping to keep up with trying new things, though my body is freaking out. We had a good conversation about us and where we are and why and how and how it will affect us. We stopped at McDonalds on the way home for more food for Michael (who also got some food at Whole Foods), and then came back here. Michael ate. I put away groceries and sorted some more laundry. We talked some more. Michael wanted to go to sleep. I took some meds, planted my Farm Town and then joined him. It was nice, only Michael was horny and I turned him down; letting him know that he could jack off if he wanted to and that I wasn't ruling out future sexual encounters with him but that for now it was just too soon; he said he understood and he agreed, and we tickled and wrestled like little kids and talked some more. He started feeling bad about how he had treated me...telling me that he feels bad when he's around me because of what he's done and that he had to go; that it was too soon. He also promised that he wasn't leaving to hook up with someone else but he needed to go. He left around 12:30am I think. I was sad to see him go, but did manage to get some sleep. Seeing Michael again was many things, but in the end I enjoyed seeing him and I'm worried what this will mean for us.

I'd like to note that while I was emotional a few time while hanging with Michael, at no time did I explode to the point that I was ill or shakey - I think I handled myself really well and I'm proud of that. I even confessed some stuff that was really hard for me.

At 12:48AM Michael texted me:

"I just don't deserve anything good in my life right now."

Worried. For him. What he did to me was horrible, but I still love him. I think the breakup was exactly the right thing to do, and that it may help us as people (even though it's difficult).

I woke up at 2:20am and got the above text from Michael then as I'd shut my phone off earlier because I was getting a call from Jeff while with Michael and I didn't want to be rude to Michael. Michael asked me questions about Jeff and I answered them; I asked if me going out bothered him and he said that it did a little but it was something he'd have to get over and work on, just as I was doing with the knowledge that he's been hooking up again; I guess he got a massage from some guy the other day and Michael said the guy sucked and he misses me doing it. He also said he has plans to go swimming with a guy on Saturday at some time. I feel like this should bother me, yet it currently doesn't.

So, back to the disgustingness of my bowels. Not green anymore. But I'm back to having HORRIBLE gas. Like, I have these HUGE farts that just happen again and again, which has been going on for a few weeks, yet my diet hasn't changed. My doctor told me that it was food related and that the 5 groups that usually cause gas are: Milk, Beer, Beans, Garlic & I don't remember the last one. I don't drink Milk or Beer; I've not had beans since 1995; I sometimes have garlic, and though I can't remember the other item on the list, I remember it was something that I don't eat...some kind of meat maybe? Anyways...I think something is seriously wrong in my ass and not sure what to do next, as my doctor seemed to dismiss it pretty quickly. I do have an appointment with him on the 29th...perhaps it will clear up by then? Yet I've no idea what's going on in there and it's freaking me out.

It's freezing in my room. I'm gonna adjust the air, check on my laundry, and maybe call Michael to see if he's ok.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:43 AM
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