Sunday, June 19, 2011

Gen left shortly after my last entry I think. I was still tired,
having not slept very much since Thursday. Mark came in
my room and got me talking, though I didn't tell him
everything. He admitted that things might not work with
Gen, because, like me, he thinks that she's awesome...but
then she gets jealous and then things get ugly and hurtful.
It's sort of like Michael; he was always very jealous and it
was terrible...yet at the same time he didn't lash out at
Mark about it and spent times with just Mark for company.
Michael didn't also see the need to claim me as his at
every opportunity the way that Gen does to Mark when I'm
around...and her insecurity makes me feel uncomfortable.
I never know when it's going to pop up or make a fun
moment horrible...and when those moments do happen, I
feel like I can't call her on it because then she gets even
more upset...or I come off as a bitch and...it's just
unfortunate...because when she's confident and maybe
forgets to think of me as this imagined threat to her she's
cool...but then something happens and she goes on this
subtle offensive...I thought maybe I was imagining it but
others have noticed it too.

I was really sinking fast into the depression last night /
this morning. I couldn't focus on anything...and it was
difficult to hold a conversation with anyone, which isn't
like me. I could tell Mark picked up on this. Gen even
noticed last night; she commented on it and I told her the
truth, which is that this has just been really hard week.
Things are getting bad so quickly and so overwhelmingly
that I'm having trouble expressing how thick the darkness
really is. I can see and feel it happening yet I can't seem to
stop it as I have in the past. It's very surreal.

Mark put his arm around me and I drifted in and out of
sleep, eventually staying asleep for a few hours. Mark
went with me to get groceries and I traded a few texts
with Caleb, who may become a close friend...or not. I
suppose it's too early to say as these things take time and
who knows what will happen next? I don't see him
becoming an enemy or someone I don't like is what I
mean, I guess. And we may stay in touch. So that could be
good.

I got some LC that I ate on the way home; the first meal I'd
had in about 24 hours, which stayed down. When Caleb
was here it was difficult for me to eat because I was
worried about getting sick in front of him; one of the
many things we talked about last night before he went
home...and he said he'd have been fine with it, and I
believe him. Because I'm in this state of depression that
seems to be getting worse I find myself feeling extra
vulnerable and worried how my eating is viewed by others.
Gen made fun of LC food which I'd been craving for days
while talking up Taco Bell, which I don't like...and then I
was the only one getting the food she'd insulted and I
felt...stupid or like a freak and I'm sure she didn't mean it
that way...she doesn't know what I'm going through and I
think most people would be fine with these kinds of
comments and I feel bad for just feeling bad about it. But I
did. I do.

I'm expressing stuff here. That's good. The conversation
with Caleb last night was also good, though not easy at
all. Honesty is key to survival at the moment. If I don't
express that I need help, I won't get it...and I really do
need help right now. I wish...I wish I could talk to my
friends that have gone through this but most of them are
dead and the others are...well, they just aren't viable.

I felt exposed when we went to the store. Like the
environment and being outside was dangerous for me.
Like the breeze would cut through me and that people
near me would either find me invisible or if not, then a
single look might destroy me. I was concious of this and
struggling to pull myself out...I was trying to talk normally
though. It was sort of like being stoned and then trying to
pretend that you're not. I thought if I could talk like
nothing was wrong that it might pull me out of the funk I
was in...and it did help slightly I think.

Shopping, I stayed under my budget...which is good. I
want to get some berries / fruit to snack on this week. I'm
eating a bit less lately, which worries me, yet it's
understandable given that I've been sick so often lately
and that I don't want to be sick again right now...yet I have
to eat. Usually I'm ok...or at least I have been for a long
while and the last few months have been really horrible.
With Gen needing so much of Mark's attention it's robbed
me of a bit of the attention that Mark gives me, which is
not the same as the attention he gives her - my
relationship with Mark is very different...it's more a
support kind of thing that we give each other, yet it's hard
to give or get that attention when she's around because
she's so threatened by it...yet I'm starting to worry if I can
handle not having that attention right now, and not
because I'm threatened by her as a gf who might take my
bf away - but as someone who might change the way that
my support system works which has kept me alive for
15.5 years - today is actually our 15.5 year anniversary as
friends. When she's not around he's very giving...and I
hope I am too...but when she's here it's like I can't just
give him something and he can't be there for me because
it will be taken as something more than what it is - which
is just honest affection and caring - and NOT a call for a
reunion of lovers or boyfriends or whatever. To think of us
as boyfriend or lovers seems like a perversion and almost
an insult to what it is that we do share. And I hate to see
our friendship through her eyes because it becomes this
twisted threatening thing...and that thing, whatever it is, is
the best and longest-lasting, most special relationship I've
ever known.

It looks like I've missed some calls from Travis. Or my
phone called him in my pocket. I don't know. I'll give him a
call soon.

I might edit some more BSG / Caprica. I might watch some
Justice League; I was thinking about it earlier and it might
be nice to revisit something right now. Something safe
and comforting.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:22 PM
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