Wednesday, March 22, 2006

So I told Mark again that I didn't care if we got the car 'fixed' or not, because it doesn't look that bad, and it doesn't affect the way it drives. Mark then said that he would buy his own car then, and stop paying on this one. Mark pays for this car now; I can't afford it, and he knows that. He only put my name on it because if something happened to him, I wouldn't have anything (which I thought was sweet). The thing is, we don't have money for another car. I don't have money for this one, meaning I'd have to quit the job I love to get a better job so I could pay for the car that I never wanted, and would never have allowed my name on, if I thought that I'd be paying for it, which was not a secret. This would also leave me with no time or cash for school, much less anything else that I actually want. Of course if I can't pay for the car then we're both in debt and our credit is ruined, because his name is on the car too. Does any of this seem sane? Or does it seem petty? Just wondering.

And all this right after I talked with him about things to get him for his birthday, which is next month. Maybe it's just his time of the month. Maybe he's on the rag. I don't know. But it sucks. I wanted to slam my door so bad, but I can't to that, because it hurts his ears, and in the past he has threatened me with violence for slamming a door.

Yesterday I saw V for Vendetta, and I told him it was awesome, and mentioned Hugo Weaving plays V, which Mark said ruined the movie. Ironic, that just before that happened I spoke to 2 of his coworkers about seeing the movie and they both said they wanted to see it because 'Agent Smith' plays V, and they asked me if I already knew that he doesn't take his mask off. I also told Mark that it was very gay positive and that it would one day find a place on my shelf, and that the gay themes weren't subtle, but at the heart of the matter, and he said that ruined it for him too. Now, I knew all of that before I saw the movie, and it didn't ruin any of it for me. I didn't tell him any of the plot. I didn't tell him the ending. I didn't tell him the beginning. I didn't even tell him about the music or the lighting or the direction or the dialogue. And there are a ton of fans who've actually read the graphic novel that it's based on, and it hasn't ruined the movie for them.

I remember once we went to a movie with friends, and he insisted on going and sitting by himself. Another time I bought him a ticket for opening night for X-Files, and he didn't want to go. And yet another time, we were supposed to see Pleasantville with my friend Carrie, and he was super stressed because she was running a few minutes late. He said he wasn't going because he didn't want to miss any of the movie. Now, you have to realize that it wasn't time for the movie to start yet, and we lived less than a block from the theater. Carrie & I tried to talk him into going, but then just went without him. I almost didn't go either. But then we didn't miss any of the movie, and it was one of the most fun times I've ever had at a theater! Another time, Mark & I saw Resident Evil 2 with Mollie, and when we left the movie, Mollie & I were saying we didn't like it that much (I hated the direction), and Mark was going on & on about how he liked it better than the first one. The other day he said that he never said that and that it was really stupid. I thought maybe I got it wrong, so I called Mollie and I asked her if she remembered us seeing that movie, and if she remembered what Mark thought of it (and I was really careful to not tell her what I had thought he said), and she confirmed that he said that he liked it better than the first one. Mark does that all the time. His memory is only so so, and a lot of times I'll tell him something and then 10 minutes later he'll tell me what I told him, thinking that it's news. It's frustrating, but it's just something I've accepted as part of Mark over the years. At first I thought he was kidding, but he's not. It wouldn't be so bad if he could remember that his memory sucks and accept when I point out what has actually happened, but it never ends that way; it ends with him asking why I'm so mean, and why I'm telling this horrible lie. I know that me being memory boy I should just smile and accept everything he tells me (after I've just told him) but my memory is a huge source of pride for me...and it hurts to hear someone tell you something you've just told them because it implys that they weren't REALLY listening to you. Like I'll tell him my schedule, and then an hour later or something he'll ask me if I work the next day. It's not his fault, and I know that, but it really annoys me. I should be more grown up about it, and accept it, and just not let it bother me, and sometimes it just doesn't anymore, but other times it's horrible. And, the movie thing, I just think from now on, I should plan on seeing movies without him, and just never, ever discuss them with him. It just seems like that would be the best course of action. And after I decided that he asked me more about the movie in the car, and I just said that I wasn't going to discuss it with him. And then he ranted some more.

I used to love seeing movies with Mark. And sometimes I still do. We see a movie every year to celebrate the anniversary of the night we met (Dec 19), and that's usually fun; we saw King Kong on the last such day, which I really enjoyed. And we saw Brokeback Mountain together, which was nice. The way I react to things on television tends to annoy him, so I prefer to watch things without him at home, and then let him watch them too, and then discuss them with him, if at all. That seems to work out well. But we watch some things together and it's great! We watch Dawson's Creek, and we watched some Desperate Housewives, and we both really enjoyed that, but for the most part I really like watching movies by myself. Because then I don't have to worry about offending him or pissing him off, and I can stop the movie when I want to, and do whatever. It's nice. And it's not something that's done to hurt him or bother him in any way - just the opposite in fact.

On the good news front, I spoke to Amber (who also saw V4V & loved it), and she's moving back to Michigan. She's moving in with her ex-now-current-bf Chris, in Detroit. This is very cool, and she says that she didn't realize how much she missed me until our recent visit, and that she plans on spending a lot more time with me, which pleases me a great deal.

Also with the good news, I started the new DS9 book, and it rocks!

I work today, and tomorrow, and Friday. I should probably start looking for another job also. But part of me doesn't feel like Mark will really buy another car. I think he only said that to hurt me. And it worked. Because of my acid reflux, if I'm upset I can't eat or sleep. I wanted to do both before work, and now I can't. I think Mark & I will calm down, and we'll compromise, and things will work out.

Oh, and Mark read what I wrote about his gambling. He says that he loves that I worry about him but that I need to trust him more. It's not that I don't trust him in general, but this is a situation in which trust doesn't enter into the equation. If someone you loved was messing around with a seriously addictive drug, and you saw that there was a pattern to their intake...that it started out as nothing harmful, and then they started doing more, and then did enough that there was a risk involved, and then they were doing the drug instead of sleeping before work - and they told you that you just needed to trust them more... Wouldn't it mean you loved them less if you just let it slide? Part of me thinks that it most likely is not a problem, but there's another part of me that feels like it's a potential problem, and that side of me is growing, because more signals are coming to light that it is a problem. (And it doesn't help, that his bed is so close to his computer that I'm constantly seeing him laying down with just a hand on the mouse, gambling - which brings back images of the opium den from "The Lover".) He started out playing in games where there was no money involved. Then he started playing games where you could win money, but not lose any. Now he's playing games where you can lose money. He sets up his schedule around when the tournaments happen (I think there are 3 a day or something like that) and when he's not playing a tournament he's playing the computer. It's almost a constant. Shouldn't I be worried? Fuck that! I AM WORRIED. And I don't think it's wrong to voice that. He gave me a list of things he'd want for his birthday; there were six items on the list, and 3 of them related to gambling! I told him I would never buy him anything like that, and that to do so would be like buying a shirt for someone in rehab that read "I like smack, give me some!".

Bottom line: I'm worried about Mark gambling, and I'm not afraid to say that, and I don't think that should be interpreted as a failure to trust him.

I might actually be able to take a nap, I took 1 midrin earlier after I woke up with a migrain, and so I'm still a little spacey. Maybe...

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:51 AM
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