Sunday, July 3, 2011

I feel lost. Still no word from Mark. A cute guy hit on me
online but I turned him down, politely. I just don't think
I'm ready to date. Not because I'm hung up on some guy
or anything...I'm just not mentally capable right now. I feel
trapped. I feel humliated. Not just by recent events but by
everything.

It's been more than 4 months since I willingly spoke to
Michael Slaughter and in that time...I've still not recovered
from the damage he did to me...or maybe I did it to
myself. I don't know anymore. 1 week from today will be
the anniverary of our official breakup, though it really
wasn't until this last February that things really ended.
Such a drawn out nightmare. I don't know why it took me
so long to give up on him.

I want to write but the words don't come. I want to read
but I can't lose myself in any book I try without feeling
silly and useless. I want to eat but no matter what I eat I'm
sickened. While I think of suicide constantly, it seems I
lack the courage to follow through with it.

I'm torn to shreds about Mark. It seems that to keep the
only thing I've been able to rely on in my life means me
being selfish, yet if I let him go...which he seems to
want...then what am I? I don't have a job. I've not been to
school in over 15 years. I have no income. I have nowhere
to go and nobody to turn to. And if I did, I don't know that
there's anyone who would have me the way that Mark has
had me all of these years.

Mark told Gen that he wished he'd broken up with me
sooner so that we could have the friendship that we have
now sooner as well. I guess I can understand that, in that
it would have saved us a lot of pain...yet it also means that
my two longest relationships were apparently mistakes.
The relationship with Mark, which I'm judged all others by,
was apparently not that good afterall - which destroys me.
And the relationship with Michael was degrading and
abusive and horrific...with some good times thrown in as
long as I kept my eyes closed.

If Mark doesn't remember me as he's forgotten so many
important moments...does that mean that it was never
real? Someday no one that is alive will remember me and it
won't have mattered that I lived at all.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:04 PM
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