Sunday, January 23, 2011

Since Wednesday: I finished Episode II, watched the Clone
Wars Micro Series, and started The Clone Wars series. I
spoke to several relatives, including Janice, Grandma
Phillips, my step-father, my mom, and online I talked to
my cousin Jesse.

The major events that happened concern my evolving
relationship with Michael Slaughter. Thursday night he lied
to me. It hurt. I struggled with if I should confront him or
not and decided against it. But then I found out that a few
hours later he broke a promise to me, and I was left
extremely hurt again, with added layers of humiliation,
doubt, pain, and exhaustion. I needed a change...or at the
very least a break. The relationship I wanted with Michael
was doomed; he couldn't be faithful. The new friendship
we formed, which was a huge compromise for me, was
basically an open relationship where we could sleep with
whomever we wanted and still have all the things we had
before...the only thing I required was honesty. But he
wasn't capable of that either. And I have to let that go. I
love him and I cherished our friendship, but if I can't have
honesty there's no point. I'll just keep getting hurt. He had
options. He's always had options. When we were a couple
he could have talked about his feeling or broken up with
me but instead he cheated. In our new friendship he could
have told me that some things were none of my business
or that he didn't want to talk about stuff - but instead he
chose to lie. This is not acceptable. And I need to protect
myself from pain. I love him, but this is killing me.

The thing is...I miss him. Yet, there's this huge sense of
relief that I don't have to worry about being hurt by him
again. There's love there and there's concern for his well-
being. He's in a very dark place right now. And I'm still
trying to find ways to help him...without sacrificing myself.
It's tricky.

I watched Harry Potter 6 last night. Michael & I had been
watching the series together. In fact, I'd not seen 6 since
seeing it in the theater with Michael in 2009. It's an odd
sort of movie; it's an odd sort of adaptation...it's ok, but
kind of all set up for 7 & 8 (which is how the book feels
too, so I guess they captured it).

I need to find my happiness.

I've got the new Spartacus episode but I've not watched it
yet.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:08 AM
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