Friday, December 31, 2010

Rough day. I saw dad, Janice & the kids today. It was all
good...except I had this freak out moment about food with
Janice. My eating disorder is heavily tied into stuff that
happened with her & my dad when I was a kid so eating
around them is hard sometimes...and while I smoothed
things out with Janice it was at the back of my head when
they left. Mark took my dad home and I cried. I wanted to
sleep but Mark offered to bring me some food and I
felt...like I wanted to eat to make him happy...I should
have just gone to bed, but I waited until after I ate...the
food was good but I think it was a mistake when all this
emotional baggage was swirling around in my head. I slept
for a few hours. I got up when Mark left to spend the
holiday with Jennifer. I think this is the first New Year's Eve
I've not spent with Mark in all the years that I've known
him...so more vulnerable feelings. Then Michael texted
around the time he was supposed to be here to tell me
that he was drunk and did I mind if he was late...and I just
felt so abandoned and all this flashback shit hit me and I
wanted to rip out my insides...like...with a knife. It
seriously took actual real life willpower to not start cutting
again. I know I'm stronger than this. It's just when the
flashbacks come it's like I'm not an adult so I'm not...it's
hard to be rational with that kind of non-reality exploding
around you.

I think I'm just suffering some abandonment issues with
Janice, because I remember all this stuff and I go through
it...and she doesn't. Maybe that makes her stronger. I
don't know. I'm so fucking damaged from the whole thing.
And with Mark gone & Michael not arriving...it's just not a
good night. It's a long night. I have to pull myself out of
this though. Michael just texted asking if I wanted to come
back to the party with him, but I'm now all tearstained and
jittery...and if I'm not seeing him at midnight, what's the
point?

Maybe the point is to get through it all alone. I can sort
this out. I know I can. I've done it before. I just feel very
alone...and I've not had to face these kinds of monsters on
my own in a vey long time.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:41 PM
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